BRO LOVES BACHELOR - WEEK 5

MY HEART YODELS A SONG

Dudes in Deutschland. Guys in Germany. Men in Munich. Bros in Bavaria. 

Is it just me, or did things take a serious turn this week? The key word for this episode: duality. That's right, it's not just a literary theme from Mrs. Winkler's 10th grade Honors English class anymore. I'm about to Bacheloretteify it, dawg.

Duality involves the interplay of two opposing, yet irresistible, forces. Examples include: yin and yang, good and evil, ketchup and mustard, Keystone light and Keystone ice (ice always wins). 

In this season of Bachelorette, two men have emerged to act out the greatest of dualities: the battle between the hero and the villain. 

OUR HERO

Chris. Armed with nothing but unstoppable romanticism, a strong jaw line, and poetry, Chris emerges to take on all those who would harm Des. He's strong, handsome, well-spoken, mature, and immaculately dreamy. But can he defeat...

THE VILLAIN

James. We thought Ben was this season's villain. That's a good one, Robin Williams. 

Ben was like the Willem Dafoe Green Goblin. James is like the James Franco Green Goblin (better hair and no kids to get in the way of evil plots). 

Through Drew's testimonial, we learn of a conversation between James and Mikey T. After the show is over, says Drew, the two well-muscled bros are planning to run Chicago. They’re going to go out on Mikey T’s boat, bring women, and have intimate times. Drew also claims that James feels confident that if he makes the Final Four, he has a good chance to become the next Bachelor. 

Armed with only this knowledge and the light of justice, Drew and sidekick Kasey plan to reveal James' plot to Des and foil his dastardly plans. But when Des cancels the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, their efforts are dashed. James lives to plot another day. Will Chris able to save our heroine from his clutches?

I can't wait to find out. Let's get to the stats.

Love Count: 19

Rose Count: 23

Heart Count: 4

Journey Count: 1

The Right Reasons Count: 2

 

Makeouts: Chris, Brooks, James

THE DATES

1 on 1 Date: Chris and Des go to a market in Munich, where they try a sausage together and have a little dance in the town square in front of a traditionally dressed German band. Rammstein is a German band, but they are less traditionally dressed. 

During their time at the market, Bryden shows up and tells Des that he's going home. His feelings aren't where they should be, and he'd rather leave now than wait for things to get too serious. Damn, he was my second pick in the Bachelorette Fantasy Draft at work. But that's what you get with the #8 pick.

Guten tag, Bryden. 

After their market date, Chris and Des have dinner. Chris lets Des know he’s in this for the long haul, and Des kisses him. They go to the Munich Residenz in full formal getup for a little dancing. Des’ dress is purple and it sparkles, like Tinky Winky covered in K-Y Jelly in a well-lit room of full of mirrors.

Over dinner, Des and Chris talk about their last serious relationships. Des says she needs someone expressive, and Chris obliges by reading a poem he wrote on the plane on the way to Germany. It’s horrible, but he’s a frickin’ heart-melter. Then they dance, and kiss, and talk the night away … and I was swept away. 

<3 Chris, bruh.

Group Date: Juan Pablo, James, Kasey, Brooks, Drew, Mikey T, Zak. They go to the highest peak in all of Germany to play in the snow! They meet a yodeler. They try yodeling, and then they slide down the mountain in sleds. Des calls it the happiest place on earth. NO, BRO! MEN’S WAREHOUSE CALLED AND THEY DISPUTE THIS!

When this man says you're going to like the way you look, and on top of that, he guarantees it, what are you going to do? Tell him to suck it? Please. 

2 on 1 Date: Michael and Ben. This one had been brewing for a while, and it didn't disappoint.

To break the tension, Des suggests she and the men jump into Lake Tegernsee. But this is a joke. Instead, they float out on a hot tub boat. A hot tub boat is like a mobile fratio, so this is much better, but things get awkward on the open water. 

Michael grills Ben about his son and his son’s mother. Then Michael admits that his father left his mother when he was young. As soon as you think there’s someone without a tortured past on this show, the guys just keep surprising you! 

In doing this, Michael breaks a huge Bachelorette rule: Never be the aggressor. 

Here are the three rules of Bachelorette:

1. Don't be the aggressor. Keep yourself out of the drama.

2. Don't drink the last Heineken. 

3. No pooping in the Fantasy Suite bathroom.

Michael gets on Ben about not going to church on Easter and for not talking to his son on Easter, when Ben claims to be a good Christian man. Ben has to excuse himself. Des tells Michael she’s making him uncomfortable and goes to talk to Ben. After a while, Ben rejoins the date. Des talks to each man individually, and ultimately decides to keep Michael.

I was kinda shocked by that one. But hey, Ben was bad. The bro had to go.

MORE STATS

First Rose: Chris

Group Date Rose: Brooks

2 on 1 Rose: Michael

Final Rose: James

Eliminated: Bryden, Ben, Mikey T

RIP Mikey T. You are loved. You will be missed.

DUDE NOTES

Brooks: Des admits that she wants to kiss Brooks the most.

Juan Pablo: He’s having trouble pronouncing “yodeler.” It’s like Steve Martin pronouncing hamburger. Damn that clip is annoying.

Mikey T: He is the best yodeler, and the chief snowman artist. But alas, he was eliminated.

Ben: “I’ve never had someone question my faith like this. I’ve never had anyone question me as a father.” SUMMARILY ELIMINATED.

Micheal: LET'S PLAY A GAME! It's called, "Which movie-themed quote did Michael not say in this week’s episode?"

Answer Choice A: “In this Gladiator setting, I need to murder Ben.” 

 

“Today is Armageddon.” 

“I’m extremely excited to watch Disney’s The Lone Ranger”

Drew: “James is a cancer.” I don't think Drew is the cure.

James: “The only person who’s a threat to me is myself.” We'll see, big boy. We'll see.

Zak: I laughed pretty hard during his yodeling escapade. Zak says ten years ago he made a huge life decision. He thought he was going to be a priest. He came to Europe and went on a soul-searching mission. He climbed to the top of a mountain and then figured out he wasn’t supposed to be a priest. 

The mountain he climbed was called Twin Peaks. It’s a strip joint. 

Also, Des admits that he’s a great kisser. 

Stay tuned for POWER RANKINGS next Monday. Until then, I can't wait to see what happens next. L8r, gentlemen.