Oh well, here goes. Here are my opening thoughts:
The title of this episode should be JUST KISS ME, ALREADY (FOR THE RIGHT REASONS)
This is not a makeout pic, but I think it captures where Des' head is at right now.
What a turnaround. Remember when Fantasy Suite Bro asked Des if she wanted to get away from everything and she declared, "I'm not that kind of girl?" Well, in Week 2, she sorta became that kind of girl. I counted three makeout sessions that (Brooks, Bryden, and Ben--what a week for the B Bros!)
If you like metaphors, here is one of the thing you like:
Remember when in Mighty Ducks 2, Team USA lost to Iceland in the group stage by about ten goals? There was no way they were coming back. They were toast. Iceland was green, and Greenland was full of ice. Not even a Gordon Bombay introspective revolution could bring this rat-tag pee-wee bunch together.
No way Emilio's ever been more jostled than in this pic. But the thing is, the Ducks came back and beat Iceland in the championship, which led to the most dramatic dialogue ever in a children's sports movie (sorry, Big Green). Exhibit A:
Coach Sven Illundyjeksvard: "Gunar, you lost it for me."
Supposedly 15-year-old Gunar Stahl but truly 24-year-old Steroid-laced struggling Hollywood actor Mickey Stardust: "No, you lost it for yourself."
Basically, Des' Week 2 turnaround is exactly like what happened in Mighty Ducks 2. The Ducks went from afterthought to Goodwill Games champions. Des was a sweet, unassuming Cinderella in Week 1, and Jenna Jameson's understudy a few days later. It should not be possible. Not even Big David Blaine could complete that transformation.
The magic of the Bachelor, people. Let's see the stats.
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Love Count: 20
Rose Count: 34
Heart Count: 4
Journey Count: 2
Other words nominees:
amazing (huge), fairy tale, pursue my dreams, here for the right reasons (this
wins; drink every time you hear it), angel
First Rose:
Brooks
Group Date Rose: Ben
Final Rose:
Brandon
Eliminated: Will,
Robert, (Johnny Torch), Nick M (Who?)
Episode Highlights
First 1v1 Date:
Brooks had the first date. The dude looks like Mike Miller working as a server at
an Italian restaurant. I got another Miami Heat reference in this post. Am I proud? Yes.
Overall,
I thought their date seemed kinda middle school (not that I went on any
dates in middle school) and that Brooks is a little bit of a whistle.
Then again, he did get to participate in a makeout sesh below the
Hollywood sign!
For their romantic dinner date, ABC road blocked off a bridge in LA.
I’m
surprised Vin Diesel and Paul Walker didn’t come charging right through
for a little drag race! Also, haven't they done this exact date before?
Des
and Brooks continued to make out during the live performance by (band)!
I don't know what band it was, but it was super
romantic! But, is Brooks really first one-on-one date material? Des had
that honor during Sean's season, and no one thought twice about it. I
can't say Brooks inspired the same confidence.
Group Date:
Dan, Drew,
Juan Pablo, Brian, James, Nick, Michael G, Zak W (his name is not Zach),
Kasey,
Ben, Will, Brandon, and Mikey T got a crack at this one. Each dude
represented a different color of the rainbow during this date. I craved
skittles.
I
didn’t know there were that many shades of
blue—kidding, here are some: cerulean, teal, aquamarine, oceanique,
infinite sorrow (for those of you who lost your serving jobs at
Chili's).
They made a rap video with Soulja Boy.
ABC is trying to branch out from it's target demographic of middle-aged
housewives into the more dangerous, fun-loving type of young person who
loves watching white people be bad at things like rap.
The name of the video was “For the Right Reasons.” Dig.
Second 1v1 Date: The untouted star of this season might be Des' teal Bentley. My roommate Derek
calls it the “Bargain Barrel Bentley.” Come, on bro. This thing is hot.
Bryden has the second date. Quick question: how is he
on leave from the Army?
They
go on a little trip to the beach. There’s an awesome
shot of the two of them drawing in the sand through a rock arch (they
are secretly drawing naughty man parts), and then
another awesome shot of them through an orange grove (laughing at two
oranges and a branch displayed together (which looks like naughty man
parts)). #cinematography
They have a lovely
candlelit dinner with a side of acoustic guitar. We find out that Bryden was in a big car accident
while working construction. He rolled his trailer on top of the truck and it
burst into flames. He had to get airlifted out—he had a collapsed lung, broken ribs, and 100
or more stitches.
“I actually have a couple pictures if you want to see them…”
and then he produces the pictures immediately. ??????? That’s kind of a joke. But the whole experience gave him a huge
life lesson – live every day like it’s your last. I know a life lesson: stick up for what you believe in
Then it’s pool
time! There's some awkward conversation when they turn off the music and finally Des
says, “Just kiss me already.” Hence the title of this week's post. I like Bryden.
Dudes:
Brooks: “I’m
waiting for a sign…” Way ahead of you, bruh. His green suit is awesome. Brooks didn’t
speak to his father from age 13-19. His dad just skipped out, and then came back
years later and cried about it. He’s 28 now and still working on his relationship with his
dad. But he realizes there’s a lot to be grateful for and he wants to do better
for his kids. He actually looked like he cared and believed what he was saying. He
got teary—yes!!! THE TEARS BEGIN 22 MINUTES IN.
Zak: Gives Des an
antique journal from a father to a daughter. No comment. There is amazing music during this
segment. Zak is a clown but he’s really killing it. Des said he really “blew
her away.” He really showed some depth. Zak is an idiot though.
Mikey T: He is a
stripper. He has a really close Italian family. He looks like he’s going to
have a feud with Ben. He thinks Ben isn’t genuine and asks Ben to talk to him;
he calls him out. He gets a “politician” feeling from Ben (I think he’s right
on that). Ben just sits there trying to look concerned and says “okay.” They
end up bonding over their shoes. I don’t think we’ve seen the end of this. Mikey is the greatest.
Ben Guy With Kid:
Ben swoops in and steals Des from Mikey T. The dudes are already starting to
hate him. Dude drama usually takes a long time to boil, but we’ve already got
some. This is good work by ABC. The first thing Ben talks about is his kid Brody,
obviously. He tells Des that he wanted to kiss her during the video, but his cowboy
hat was in the way. So he takes his opportunity right there and makes out with
her. Dude, wow. He is the opposite of Tony from Emily’s season. Is this guy Bentley
from Ashley's season all over again? He got the group date rose.
Brandon: He gave us this gem: “I was
born, and I had a mom and a dad like you did.”
His dad left the family when he
was five years old and didn’t come back. He went to a lot of schools and his
mother was a drug addict. This is some serious stuff, but he’s playing this card really, really early. He
claims to have raised his little brothers and sisters. This dude
is kind of a wackadoo, but Des says he has positive energy. So does a proton. LOL SCIENCE COMEDY! BILL NYE BONER!
Dude with Type 1 Diabetes
(Michael G): His blood sugar was at 800 and normally it’s 80-120. That's like, 420x higher than normal. He was in the middle of this story and
then Ben came and stole Des away. He calls Ben a, “Type of Pile of B.S.” Ben is
a complete tool. He, Mikey T, and an anonymous bodyguard confront Ben.
“The
example you’re setting for your son is hey, when you make a mistake, just lie
about it. He picked the wrong guy to lie to.” #nailedit
He also gave us an “It is what it
is” comment. #nailedit
Brian: He brought
up the “D” word. He means divorce, but think I thought of decks.
I can't wait for next week. I plan on watching tomorrow. Stay tuned.
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