BRO LOVES BACHELOR - WEEK 1

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Quick thing right off

The Bachelor is probably my favorite show on television. You might be wondering why.

I'm a 20-something college graduate living and working in the Chicago area. I went to Northwestern to study journalism. I like playing pickup basketball, sweating, grilling meats outdoors, drinking Mike's hard lemonade while golfing, sweating some more, and wearing pink Vineyard Vines polo shirts with white khaki shorts. I can be super bro-y. Yet I would rather watch The Bachelor than do most of the things listed above.

This is me: 

Under armor polo - nice work.

I don't work in the journalism industry, so I figured I'd write about something I'm passionate about. This fits the bill. Every week, I'll be posting something new about each episode of the Bachelorette - follow along and I think you'll enjoy it. Unless you're too damn good for some trashy TV.

The Secret of The Bachelor: Self-awarity

I created that term, self-awarity. It's good, I know!

"That show is a joke. How can you take it seriously?"

This is a common question from those who aren't in on the secret. I know most of the show is set up, but come on now - it's just good fun. No, Des and whoever she picks probably won't get married and live happily ever after. They might not even make it a few weeks (not everyone is Ashley and J.P.).

It doesn't matter what happens after the show. When the show's on, it's going to be a good time. The Bachelor has heroes, villains, storytelling, and cinematography just like any other drama. It's not real - it's reality, and it knows it. We all know it. Treat it like you should treat yourself - not too seriously.

Let's jump into week one:

WEEK 1 BY THE STATS

Bachelorette: Desiree Hartsock. Des is a sexy, tall brunette who got eliminated later in the game on Sean's season of the Bachelor. I don't know why she got eliminated. She was the best. I told people that if I ever sent in my Bachelor application it would be for her - then I remembered that I'd have to get on P90X immediately if wanted any shot at it and then I remembered that I had a lot of green chile chicken enchilada leftovers to eat. Guess what won. Sorry, Des.

Host: Chris Harrison. Chris floats in and out of prominence on this show. I like it when he's involved. I like the awkwardness of his sit-down interviews. I love hearing "Ladies. This is the final rose of the evening. (Insert bachelor name here), when you're ready." Chris is like the crust on a pizza. And I can tell that's DiGiorno pizza crust. It's essential but it doesn't get much love. Whatever man, if you don't want to finish that Chris crust, I'll take it and wolf it down. Dude kills it.

Contestant Bros: Twenty-five of them. First reaction is that only about five even have a chance. The rest seem like total clowns, gimmicks, or whistles. Hopefully they prove me wrong.

The bros, or some of them:

Bryden: Iraq war veteran. Seems real nice, but nothing special. Des liked seeing him get out of the car. He played it cool at the first meeting, and that's a big indicator. NO ONE WHO TRIES A GIMMICK AT THE FIRST MEET UP EVER MAKES IT. Unless you're Lindsay from Sean's season (wedding dress stunt, anyone?) But hey, she lost in the final. So point made. Bryden got the third Rose and I like him.

Will: From Chicago. Does Bikram yoga. Reminds me of Tony Gray from the Wire. Calls Des "Athena." This isn’t Battlestar Galactica bro; no one needs a call sign.

Drew: From Scottsdale (the stomping grounds of Arie Luyendyk from Emily's season (check out that sick Dutch name, bruh) and check out this triple parenthesis))) A favorite. Drew's parents are divorced and his dad was an alcoholic. His sister is mentally handicapped. Obviously here's here for the long haul; you don't waste a story like that.

Nick R: Chicago. Suit guy. Professional magician. His tailoring was better than his magic; I liked the purple flair. GO U!!!!

Zach: Drilling fluid engineer. Let's cal him Mr. abs. His hair goes higher than Cheech and Chong. He walked out of the limo with no shirt on. “Will you accept these abs?” Another contestant, Michael, called him the “shirtless stripper guy.” Which had better odds – the Heat winning the NBA finals or him being first in the pool? By the way, I can't wait to see Chris Bosh pour champagne all over himself again this year. He got the second rose, which sickens me. 

Robert Has a one-eyed dog. YOU CAN'T FAKE THAT! He looks like Chris Evans who played Johnny Torch. I think Des likes this guy a lot. I'm going to start introducing myself as "Johnny Torch" to people I don't know.

Brandon aka Pinstripes: Flipped a coin to decide whether to do the Bachelorette interview or go to the birthday party his grandparents threw for him. Uhhh … do both? It's called "Calendar" on your Outlook account, and it helps you organize your schedule. Use it.

Mike R: Dental student from Dallas. Air Force vet. Born and raised in England. 

“My mom was a great mom when she wasn’t struggling with addiction.” 

So ... she wasn't really a great mom at all, right? Let's not qualify a statement like that. The music during this part sounded like the part from Lord of the Rings after Gandalf dies. Spoiler alert, though, he doesn't die, he fights a Balrog and gets enough XP to lvl up into Gandalf the White. 

Hashtag Dude: Ugh, die.

Larry: Designated old dude. Almost strained Des' hamstring. He looked like your creepy philosophy professor. Needless to say he didn't make it. 

Jonathan, Fantasy Suite Dude: “My love tank has not been depleted yet.” First to leave. He then proceeded to deplete his love tank on every  bush outside the house.

Diogo, Knight in Shining Armor: No Jaime Lannister. He gone! I searched "Jaime Lannister dreamy" to find that picture. Come back to us, ladies.

Juan Pablo: Venezuelan former pro soccer player. Brings chocolate. Talks weird. He’s like Roberto from Allie's season who doesn’t bring anything else to the table except being foreign.

Sidenote to women everywhere: Foreign dudes are the same as American dudes. They just talk differently. And if they're from Europe, they probably live with their parents. Sound like something you want to get into? 

Ben, Dude with Kid: Brody is the kid’s name. Ben calls Brody his best friend, his partner in crime. It sounds unhealthy that his best friend is three years old. He should play with kids his own age. Especially if daddy is letting him get involved in the crime game this early. Go back to school, lil hopper!

I'm intrigued to see if Ben's child exploitation ploy will work. I think openly using the kid as a bargaining chip is despicable, but it makes for good TV. 

Okay, one more thing to dissect with Ben. He said, “family is extremely important to me.” When talking about Brody's mother, he also said, “It’s more like … two friends have a kid together.” Sounds like you shouldn't be having kids.

Ben got the first rose. So much is wrong with this.

Ronnie from Jersey Shore: I don't know his real name, but it looks like we'll get to watch him cry a lot! ;( 

First rose: Ben

Last rose: Mikey T

To close, some quick hits:

Number of times we heard "Journey": 3

This is my favorite word you hear on Bachelor. It's great. I was pissed that I had to wait 23 minutes to hear it the first time (during Chris' first long monologue). 

Number of times we heard "Love": 29

It's probably closer to 40, but I was taking notes so who knows. 

Number of times we heard "Heart": 6

Number of times we heard "Cinderella": 4

Looks like "Cinderella" is the theme of Des' season. As you will see below, there was a lot of fairy tale vocabulary in Episode 1. 

Key word nominees for next week: soul mate, humbling, blessed, devastated, Prince Charming (big one), fairy tale (huge), dream come true, bell of the ball, Desorion (some dude named a star after her. I love this and I'm doing it as soon as I can find someone worthy of all that hydrogen). I forgot to keep track of "rose." Would have been off the charts.

That's it for this week, folks, I'll have the next one up Tuesday or Wednesday.