BACHELORETTE POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 5

We're up to Week 5 now, people. Things are starting to get real. Over the past month, Des has managed to weed out most of the side shows, over-emotional train wreck bros, and general joke creatures. That means it's time to start thinking seriously about who's going win this thing. And thus, I give you POWER RANKINGS.

I'm going to break the contestants up into four groups, counting down from the guy I think has the lowest chance to win to the guy who has the highest chance to win. So hit the fridge, grab your favorite domestic lager (does Icehouse count?), and enjoy.


NOT A CHANCE IN HELL, BRUH

11. MIKEY TEEEEEEEE! - This one really hurts. Mikey T is probably my favorite guy to root for, based on his rippling back muscles, fun-loving attitude, and dimples that don't quit. But he's in serious trouble, having received the last rose two weeks in a row. Mikey T, I can smell the end. Or is that your HAWKRIDGE?

10. Drew - I still don't think Drew is interested in women. He seems like a good guy, but he's not getting any time with Des. Sure, he's good for a quote every episode, but do we really know anything about him? Nope, and there's probably a reason for that.

9. Michael G - I think they're keeping him on mainly to be Ben's foil. He's part of the only man drama plot line of the season, but that's not enough to keep him around. Plus, how seriously can you take a guy whose abc.com contestant profile says Dante Alighieri and F. Scott Fitzgerald are his favorite authors? You're trying too hard, bruh. Arrivederci.

8. Kasey - Des is not Hello Kitty enough for this guy. Their first date culminated in him assaulting her mouth after an extremely awkward dinner, and his talent portion in the Mr. America pageant was tap dancing. This guy should be a complete non-factor. HOWEVER, stay tuned and I'll tell you why I'm afraid that might not be the case.

THE COMODíN

7. Juan Pablo - comodin is Spanish for "wild card." Juan Pablo is Spanish, not Venezuelan, but he sure is pretty, and I don't know what the hell to do with him.

THE VALUE PICKS

6. Ben - Des likes him, but he's the villain. And the villain always loses. Shit, I just remembered Vienna and Courtney. We've got trouble.

5. Zak - He's come a long way. From Mr. Abs launching himself into an empty pool to sensitive, acoustic guitar-playing drilling fluid engineer (yes, that's his job description). Zak is poised to make a surge up the list, but he needs a one-on-one date. We'll see if he gets it.

4. Bryden - He had a definite setback last week. Bryden's not sure of his feelings anymore, but Des gave him a rose, and he was willing to stay on another week. I'm hoping this is just a phase, because Bryden used to be a definite favorite to win it all. Now, we're forced to ponder whether he'll make it back to the top, or plummet to the bottom.

3. James - I think he's definitely more meat than head, but he's done pretty well in the last few weeks. Des likes making out with him, and that's really important in the Bachelorette. I wouldn't put any money on this guy winning, but there aren't too many other options right now.

CLEAR FAVORITES

2. Chris - Chris reminds me a little of J.P, the winner of Ashley's season. He's mature, interesting, supportive, and a little goofy. He's not as over-the-top outgoing as some of the guys, but he's someone who can hold his own wherever he goes. He's universally liked and respected. If he doesn't get a one-on-one date this week, I'd be shocked. 

1. Brooks - He got the first one-one-one date, and he hasn't done anything since then to lose his spot at the top. He even got the sympathy vote after going home in an ambulance in Week 3. At the Mr. America pageant, he manged to kill it without being able to sing or play an instrument (he smashed his ukelele on stage). Also, it seems like he's making out with Des every week.

NOW COMES THE INTERESTING PART 

I did some research. Maybe I wish I hadn't, but I did.

I looked up each of the previous Bachelorette winners. I wanted to know which week those guys had their first one-on-one date with the Bachelorette. You'd think many of them would have made a great impression and gotten dates right off, and had romance take off from there.

Not exactly. 

The guy who got the first one-on-one date with the Bachelorette has NEVER won. Not one time in eight seasons. This is bad news for Brooks.

So, you might ask, when does the winner usually get their first one-on-one date?

The answer: WEEK 3. Of the six eligible seasons (I don't count Season 1 because the format was different, and there was no winner in Season 3), the winner got his first one-on-one date in Week 3 four times (Ian, Ed, Roberto, JP).

The latest a winner has ever gotten their first one-on-one date? Jef in Season 8, during Week 5.

That means that according to the trend, this is the man who will win Des' heart:

Kasey. Damn it...



Oh well. If you don't like my list, post your own, and let me know why. Stay tuned for the Week 5 recap on Tuesday. L8r.