Ripples were felt by the entire Bachelor Internet community last week, as JPabs dashed our favorite Dog Lover's hopes. Juan reenacted the gut-wrenching scene from Air Bud, only Air Bud was Kelly (a human (sort of)), and Juan was the little blonde boy feeding her pudding. They both ended up in tears, for all the right reasons.
Warning: Don't watch that link if you don't want to cry. I fast forwarded to about two minutes in, and it is just heartbreaking. This was probably the first cinematic moment that made your favorite frat daddy shed a few. Not even allergy tears, like Clare had at the end of the the rose ceremony. Real tears fortified with sorrow and a 40oz Robitussin.
But life goes on. Let's get to the rankings.
1. Andi: She continues to make progress without getting a one on one date. How she's gonna be the last girl to get one, I have no idea. She would have been my first choice. Kat got a one on one, for allergy crying out loud! It doesn't matter. Sharleen's looking self-elimination square in the face, and Andi is poised to make a Catherine-like move in Week 6. We've seen it happen before, and it may just happen again.
However, I'm stilling not getting a winning vibe off Andi. JP seems to gravitate towards needy women (like just about every Bachelor before him) and Andi is not the needy type. She's too much of a rock. Which is why I'm calling it now and saying she's the next Bachelorette.
2. Nikki: JPabs loves Nikki the nurse. In Week 5, Nikki descended into Hell. But on the way...she found her angel. Can someone pass the chloroform? Nikki went from pissy 12-year-old in Week 4 to reformed nice girl in Week 5. She pulled a classic "conquering your fear" move when she somehow made it to the bottom of the cave without having a complete mental breakdown. I bet she farted on JP on the way down though. Talk about a power move.
3. Renee: Mother Hen came home to roost in Week 5. Everyone, and I mean everyone, loves Renee. She is killing it. When JP kept feeding her some bullshit about how he wouldn't kiss her because of her son, Ben, Renee basically said "fuck that kid" and told him to put up or shut up. And he put up, all right. How as THAT for a first kiss? I mean, how fair is it that JP #aquablasts Clare, but then won't even kiss Renee? Her reaction to finally getting that kiss was probably the most genuine moment of the season. DON'T TELL ME YOU DIDN'T SMILE AFTER THAT. #TeamRenee #TeamRenee #TeamRenee
Unfortunately, I think she's got third place locked down. If this were real life, she'd win no problem. She and Juan are on the same wavelength: they understand each other and they want the same things. The problem is, this is too short a window to make it happen. Renee is a milk snake in a house of vipers. The other girls are like flamethrowers, and she's a Zippo lighter. It makes me sad. Renee, America is with you.
4. Clare: Repeat after me: There is only one Courtney Robertson. Who do you think you are, Clare? What game are you playing at? You're a child. Camila looks at you and won't trade her dunkaroos even though you're offering a lifetime supply of pushpops. You think you can just go get JP to go on a little midnight swim, and there won't be consequences?
I say they did NOT have sex in the ocean. The waves were too rough. Also, after what Courtney and Ben did, even if Juan Pablo and Clare did nothing, we will all still assume they did. They're aware of that, and the editors at ABC can make it look however they want. It's bad either way.
5. Sharleen: This panda bear is on the prowl. Or not. I ranked her #2 behind her Dog Lover last week, but that looks incredibly premature at this point. Sharleen isn't up for competing against women like Clare, Andi, and Nikki. She's gone next week. Which leaves a spot open for one of the gypsies at the bottom of the bracket.
6. Cassandra: Yup, that's Detroit Piston's baller Rodney Stuckey! I just think that's great. NBA player or Bachelor, Cassandra's a jersey-chaser either way. I'm not sure there's anything going on in her head besides Cover Girl commercials and Chobani magazine spreads, and I don't think we'll have to deal with her much longer. However, if the show only eliminates two people next week, and one spot goes to Sharleen's self-exit, and the other goes to the loser of a two-on-one date, Cassandra could sneak through to Week 7.
7. Chelsie: The Thetas are hosting a new philanthropy event this weekend. They will be selling hugs for $1, kisses for $2, and dime bags for $9. All proceeds go to buying Kelly a new dog (Molly ran away and started her basketball career).
8. Kat: Wait, I thought Cassandra was the former NBA dancer! Also, why are her boobs covered in this photo? Show a little cleave, lady! You seem willing enough to do it on TV? Kat's just jealous she didn't think of Clare's #aquablast move first.
Kat goes home in a two on one with Chelsie.
