Also known as ten dudes gettin' their Miss Utah on (there must be like, 40 pounds of pecs in that pic!)
B4 we begin, allow me to say a few words about love...
There are many types of love:
- The love a bro feels when he tastes the rocky-mountain freshness of a Coors Light (but only when the mountains are blue, bruh, otherwise it tastes like alpaca piss).
- The love a bro feels when he smells the cloth and rubber of his brand-new Starbury basketball shoes (knowing he will own the court that night)
- The love a bro feels when he hears Ants Marching coming from a old-school stereo sitting on the fratio. Watch the video; it will explain everthing.
- The love a bro feels when he sees an unoccupied grass field (knowing there are like, potentially hours of pick-up ultimate frisbee to be played there (if you can find enough bros for 5v5 (and if you don't roll nine bros deep, shame on you)
- The love a bro feels when he touches a ping pong ball knowing there's a long night of beer pong ahead (my roommate Derek and I make up the legendary beer pong twosome "Team Drain," and like Franklin Delano Roosevelt, we have never been defeated)
"Roses are red, violets are blue. They don't think it be like it is, but it do."
LADIES AND GENTLEFRATERNITYMEN, THE STATS:
Love Count: 29
Heart Count: 7
This number seems low, I know. But I was on glass #2 of Kendall-Jackson Chardonnay, so give me a break.
Rose Count: 44
Journey Count: 4
Right Reasons Count: 1
1 on 1 Date #1: Brad. At first, it seemed like this was going well enough. Brad and Des had a lot of fun, and Brad didn't even mention his mistake, I mean son, Maddox!
After going to the boardwalk in Atlantic City, Brad and Des spent some time together out on the beach around a majestic sandcastle. I was once part of a sandcastle (aka my friends buried me in the sand and carved a mermaid with big
sand boobs).
After the beach time, the two love birds had dinner. The dinner conversation was rocky, because Brad talking was about as interesting as when girls talk about their mutual bad experiences with "Tequila Night."
Des takes Brad up to the top of the lighthouse and she ELIMINATES him. I guess the lighthouse
didn’t guide him to love … LOL. He gone.
Group Date #1: Brooks, Bryden, Zak K,
Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Ben, Chris, Micheal, Mikey T.
It’s a Mr. America Pageant! I'll save the space on the recap and hit that in each of the dude breakdowns. Basically, there were three parts to the competition: Q&A, talent, and swimsuit. The picture shown above is of the talent portion.
1 on 1 Date #2: James gets the privelige of the second one on one date. He and Des fly in a helicopter with a woman from the Red Cross and look
at the devastation of Hurricane Sandy.
All I can think during this is, "If James achieves a helicopter makeout here, we've truly made history." The helicopter makeout is one of the best moments of any Bachelor season.
But the odds of James pulling this off? Greater than the odds of your boss shotgunning a Bud Light Lime-a-Rita during a client meeting. And those things are delicious! I know shared traumatic experiences can breed intimacy, but this is just too much, bruh.
James and Des don't make out on the helicopter :(. But they do meet a nice older couple,
Manny and Jan, who have been married 38 years and are trying to rebuild their
home on the shore. Long story short, James and Des eat pizza and make out in a bar (garlic breath be damned!) and then go to a Darius Rucker concert. This is by far the best date of the season, actually.
If ya'll are in Chicago on June 28th, see ya at the Darius concert at Ravinia. Peace.
MORE STATS:
First Rose: Zak W
Last Rose: Mikey T
Group Date Rose: Zak W
Eliminated: Brad, Zack K
Makeouts: Chris, James, Michael G,
Chris. (I set the over/under at five going in. My coworker took the over. Guess who is $1 richer. Guess who spent that $1 on a Mcdouble.
DUDE NOTES:
Brooks: For his talent during the man pageant, Brooks played a ukelele and
sang. However, he cannot sing or play the ukelele. Doesn't matter; once he finished, he threw the uke on the ground and smashed it completely. #hendrix. He placed third.
Juan Pablo: He can twirl a baton.
Really well. And he winks like a champion. And he has a daughter!!!! Funny that we hadn't heard about that yet...
Zak K: For his talent, he played acoustic guitar and
sang. He’s a much better singer than Brooks.
After this week, I'm thinking we might have to start taking Zak seriously. He placed second in the pageant, and during the group date dinner that night, he sang Des another song that I think she really liked. For his efforts, Zak got the Group
Date Rose.
Bryden: He pelvic thrusted during his
talent portion. When in doubt, throw the crotch out. I've always said it.
Bryden
doesn’t get any time on the group date, which makes him angry, and he questions
his feelings. Now remember, in the promo at the beginning of the episode, they played this quote from Bryden's conversation with Des:
"There are some things I want to talk to you
about.”
ABC made it seem like he was talking about Ben … but he
was talking about … himself! Is this former stud slipping? He's not out yet, but it's not looking good.
Ben: He looked super frat in his cream
yellow button-down. Evidently he’s focusing exclusively on the game now, because he's not talking about his son (it's Tyson, right?) anymore.
Except he does show Des a
necklace with his son’s thumbprint. I guess a tiger can't change his stripes, and a bro can't take the horse and rider off his Ralph Lauren, either.
James: He's got calves like an angel. I also loved the shot of him in
his bathrobe sipping wine.
During Week 4, we found out that James cheated while he was with his girlfriend of 5.5 years when he was a freshman in
college.What we didn't know is that he cheated at strip poker. And if you don't cheat at strip poker, you are stupid, because the girls don't play by the rules.
Chris: He wore high heels during the pageant. He writes
poetry (and so does Des!) My favorite poet is Shell Silverstein!
Chris has some real good conversation with Des. He
joke with her about the Friend Zone, and Des takes the bait, and boom! Makeout baby! Chris continues to improve his stock.
Brad: Eliminated. Duh. He cried so much
during his exit interview … yet he could barely string five words together
during the dinner conversation.
Mikey T: “Most women see men as their
bodies.” MIKEY TEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
He did really well during the pageant. For his talent, he basically did a striptease, complete with
headstand pushups. He calls this “fairly meatheaded behavior.”
He killed it in the swimsuit
portion. Of his performance he said, “I killed it.”
Also, his dimples just do not
quit. Dimples for days. He said his superpower would be to become invisible. He’d
just be a pair of floating dimples.
Kasey: He won the pageant. BY TAP DANCING. Do we have to endure another week of this guy?
That's it. Stay tuned on Monday, because I'm going dual threat with this thing. Coming Monday morning ... BACHELORETTE POWER RANKINGS POST.
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