Bachelorette Contestant Bro: Yo Bryden, you get somma dat Des action?
Bryden: Bruh, I'm the Sydney Crosby of tonsil hockey. I cross the blue line and go straight to the back of the net.
That about says it, right? Let me expand on a few thoughts:
1. Maybe it's just my bloodlust for writing material, but it seems like there have been more makeout sessions early on this season than on previous seasons. By my unofficial count, eight (maybe 7.5) guys ventured inside Des' mouth during this episode: --> James, Kasey, Bryden, Juan Pablo, Ben, Chris, Brooks, Brandon (half). Not that I blame Des or the guys ... but is it all getting out of hand?
And more importantly, how do we tell who's winning if don't have any useable benchmarks? It used to be that making out with the Bachelor/Bachelorette meant something. Throw that baby out with the bath water. When it gets down to the final ten guys, how am I supposed to decide who to draft onto my Bachelorette Fantasy Team?
2. Brandon is not going to make it on the outside.
Rule #1: Never say anything like, "I've never felt more confident." Don't go there. Go there, do not. Don't geaux there!
Here are times you should not say things like that:
1. Before the big game (Intramural softball final, beer olympics, Greek God competition (all things I've lost))
2. Before you propose
3. Before you chug a smirnoff ice
OMG this guy's doing #2 and #3 at the same time! Forget what I said, this guy can say anything he wants. Dude wins.
Back to Brandon. I'd always had this feeling I'd seen this guy before. Now I know where:
He's in the Sarah McLachlan animal cruelty video.
Don't actually watch this video. It's too depressing. I can't watch it. My roommate Derek knows this, so when it comes on, he turns the volume up and laughs while I struggle. He takes tremendous pleasure in this.
Back to Brandon. He cries in many ways--while wearing suits, while shirtless, or while wearing only a zip-up hoodie unzipped to his belly button. He’s the ultimate acoustic guitar background music guy. He says each time he hangs out with Des is the best time of his life—and then tells a sob story about how he grew up without a father. He was the first one to say he’s “falling in love with her.”
Then he kisses Des. She consumes his mind right now.
AND THEN SHE SUMMARILY ELIMINATES HIM.
Good work Des. Brandon passed from America's gaze after uttering this complete gem of a quote:
“I’m blown away. I’m fucking blown away. What a mistake. What a giant mistake. I can’t even cry. I’m just out of tears.”
I don't think he's out of tears. ;)
THE STATS:
Love Count: 25
Rose Count: 35
Heart Count: 3
Journey Count: 1 (Not good enough, ABC)
The Right Reasons Count: 4
-->
Group Date #1: Mikey
T, Brooks, Chris, Bryan, Drew, Michael, Brad, Brandon, Zack K, Ben.
#loveisabattlefield
We hardly knew yee, Brooks. One minute, dude is on top of the world. The next, he breaks his finger playing dodgeball, passes out after getting that finger reset, and has to go to the ER. The story has a happy ending, though, because he came back to the group date dinner and made out with Des for a while. Winner winner Des dinner!
For the first group date, the guys played some dodgeball. ABC brought in the dudes from the National Dodgeball League to tutor the bros; then the dudes faced off against each other in a best of three series for the right to continue on to the evening portion of the date.
One of the teams won, because sports work that way, but Des decided to bring everyone to the party—COME
ON BRUH THAT DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF COMPETITION!! I applaud ABC for changing the group date rules and adding some competition, but if the Bachelorette is going to just let everybody come to the tea party, then I'm not going to care. Let's make a hard and fast rule: You lose the competition, you don't get to go try and make out with Des over a nice plate of short rib ravioli.
One on One Date:
Kasey. Skip it and go heat up a Lean Pocket. Dude's done.
Second Group Date:
Zak, Bryden, Juan Pablo, James.
It’s a cowboy boot camp! I recently started loving country music and everything about cowboys (Eric Church and Blake Shelton are obviously killing it), so this was right up my alley. And the guys did a good job. Plus, Des looked great in her Old West dress.
Each of the guys got to learn how to be cowboy stunt man. They each tried to impress Des with their new skills, and whoever did the best got to go on a little movie date with her. Juan Pablo spoke Spanish during his performance … which somehow was really funny. Obviously, Dream Boat Venezuela Man won.
Also, Dan’s pants split. But wait, who's Dan?
MORE STATS:
-->
First Rose: Bryden
(*fist pump*)
Group Date Rose: Chris
Group Date Rose2:
James
Final Rose: Ben (*yes*)
Eliminated: Brian,
Brandon, Dan
DUDE NOTES:
Brian: He’s the
mystery guy who has a girlfriend! Meet Stephanie:
Stephanie enjoys being in bad relationships. She enjoys crying on television, big earrings, rhinoplasty, mascara, and not letting Chris Harrison talk. Her interests are shoulder pads (get it, gurl), yelling at her son Donovan's role models, and throwing rocks.
Brian: “You threw rocks at my face.”
Steph: “I did throw rocks at you … because you’re a jerk.”
Yeah, she said that. This is a troubled relationship, but I'm really rooting for these two kids. I think they've got something great! Des sent Brian home...
Brad:
I
don’t know who he is, but he has a haunted past. He has a three-year-old
son
named Maddox. Ben, you've got competition.
Brad’s mom is watching Maddox
right
now. Big Brother is watching Brad's mom watch Maddox Right now. Daryl Hall's private eyes are watching Big Brother watch Brad's mom
watch Maddox right now.
-->
Brooks: He pulled a Tierra and came
back for the end of the group date party—in his Dodgeball uniform. He used a great line on Des, too: “Okay … kiss me.”
I miss Tierra a lot.
Juan Pablo: Damn
foreigners…
Mikey T: “Some
stud named Mikey.” MIKEY TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Ben Guy With Kid:
He’s so into being the villain. So into it that he wears a black wife beater around. A black wife beater? COME ON BRO!!!
Dude with Type 1
Diabetes (Michael G): “This isn’t my grandfather’s Dodgeball. This is a
cargo-cage death match.” What?
Drew: Is Drew
gay?
Kasey: He looks
like a Backstreet Boy, or a member of N’SYNC. But aren't they all?
Chris: Leads Des
to a secret spot on the roof. He plays it very cool. Des likes how he smiles;
she says it’s the small things that make her notice him. Chris is feeling a lot
more confident.
BOOM! Things are starting to get cooking. Stay tuned for next week's edition. And leave comments.
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