BRO LOVES BACHELOR, THANKSGIVING EDITION

Be thankful, Juan-uary is just around the corner.

Put down the gravy boat; I got your sauce right here. It's a creamy, tangy Juan Pablo aioli. To go with that roast Chris Harrison. Such a succulent beast.

It's been a while, friends. I've missed you. And we've all missed The Bachelor.

Sorry I never posted about last season's finale. My heart wasn't in it. Sure, I wanted Chris to win, but Des didn't. The silver lining ('s playbook) is that I won my Fantasy Bachelorette league by riding that Seabiscuit to victory. Giddy-up.

Chris with the #4 pick? Really?

Since then, reality TV has been a wasteland. ABC chose not to run Bachelor Pad back for a third time, which was silly. Why rob us of another Nick/Rachel-esque betrayal? Why not have the finalists perform Sister Christian all over again? Like the age-old question of how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know.

I tried to fill the void with Survivor. Great show, and Jeff Probst rivals Chris Harrison for top reality TV host. But aside from a little Vytas/Katie flirting, there's no love story in Survivor. However, it didn't stop us from having another fantasy league.

Interesting that my two picks were pitted against each other last week. Oh well, there's always Redemption Island.

Given the circumstances, you can imagine my relief when I saw this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqPvSMKTm3M

Three quick thoughts:
   
#1 — IS THAT CHICK PREGNANT?

My baby-bump-dar just went off, big-time. This can't be real. It has to be a fat suit meant to test our latin lover. Bringing a baby on The Bachelor? Are you serious? Beyond the immediate questions, like what kind of person gets pregnant and then goes a reality show, I have some practical concerns. The Bachelor mansion is stocked with about 420 bottles of white whine. A third trimester fetus just can't handle that much pinot grigio.

#2 — LITTLE JUAN PABLITA

Camila is a chick magnet. Even more so than a natural gas job in Houston. We've seen the child angle before with Emily and Ricki, but something tells me this is going to be better. Women love little kids. Cannot wait.

#3 — NICKNAMES FOR JP

Such salmon shorts. Does Vineyard Vines have those?

1. The Viceroy of Venezuelan Vajayjay
2. The Barquisimeto Bomber
3. Petey Pablo

Okay, that's all for now. Have a good Thanksgiving, and I'll post again in December. 

BRO LOVES BACHELOR — THE CRYING GAME

More specifically, the "Why is Brooks Crying? Game"

Monday's episode was a little heavy, so I thought we'd have a little fun today. I'm going to show you a picture of everyone's favorite Bachelorette contest, the Mormon Mullet himself, Brooks, and you're going to guess the why behind the waterworks.

#1 — SKIPPING THE ROSE CEREMONY

You might think Brooks is getting a little teary here because he's about to go break up with Des. He's shared a three-month journey with this woman, but it ain't meant to be. Brooks spoke with his mother and sister before he went to Antigua, and he realized he wasn't ready to propose to Des. He can’t say that he loves her without second guessing himself. Since any bro knows that he who hesitates is lost, and Brooks’ love GPS obviously isn’t running 4G (more like skipping 4G), he's gotta cut the cord.  

WRONG. Being from Salt Lake City, Brooks is an avid Utah Jazz fan, and he just found out that they drafted the University of Michigan's Trey Burke #9 overall in the NBA draft (remember, this episode took place a few months ago). Brooks believes this is an unbelievable pick. Burke's tenacity, poise, and swagger will propel Brooks' Jazz back to the top. So at first, these are tears of joy. Brooks hops on the phone to order some season tickets—only to find out that they're already sold out. Desperate to keep his cool, he pursues a moment of quiet depression in tropical paradise.

#2 —ADAM DURITZ? NO, BROOKS

Maybe Brooks is having trouble keeping it together because Des is looking super hot in that powder-blue cutoff, and he's casting her off like Tom Hanks cast Wilson away in that Helen Hunt movie? 

No, bro, not even close. Brooks is suffering from a serious lack of conditioning right now. He forgot the Thermasilk back in the SLC and he's suffering withdrawals. Des just HAD to drag him out to the end of the walkway where he'd be exposed to the salty, damp air. Do you know what that does to a mullet? Good choice dumping that one.

#3 — WE DON'T WANT YOUR CHARITY, EDDIE MONEY

Poor guy just looks tired in this one! An extended crying sesh will do that do you, my man. This picture comes right after Brooks asked Des if it was too late to purchase a ticket to the Fantasy Suite. You know, for old times sake? She almost took him up on it, but then remembered that she's not that kind of girl. Right ... she wasn't that kind of girl when Drew and Chris had their turn? This was your last chance to taste carnal Mullet flesh, honey, and you blew it!

#4 — EXPELLIAR-MULLETUS

Brooks just realized Dumbledore died. Don't judge him because he's a little late to the game, the only "wizard" media he got to watch growing up was Eureeka's Castle. Which was a sweet show.

Count the number of questions you got right, divide by a set of sultry flow buckets, multiply by stubble that doesn't quit, and add the number of times you've considered switching religions to make yourself more Brooks-compatible. Did that make you feel better? I hope so.

Now, I leave you with these pictures of Chris eating fruit.

 

The bottom one is a pina colada. You get it. Until next time!

BRO LOVES BACHELOR - A POST FROM THE HEART

I try to keep these posts lighthearted. The blog is called Bro Loves Bachelor, after all. But after watching Brooks say goodbye to Des tonight, I think I'll save the comedy for tomorrow. Let's take a moment for the Mullet Man, and a moment for Des. We've all been there, and it sucks.

I've talked about why we love the Bachelor in previous posts. We love it because of the characters—the heroes, villains, jokers, and damsels in distress. We search for pieces of ourselves in the Bachelor or Bachelorette and in each of the contestants. We laugh when they make fools of themselves, judge them when they act despicably, and get that nice feeling inside that comes from watching two people make a true connection. The Bachelor lets you feel everything.

We love the competition. We love the week-to-week narrative pitting contestants against each other for the ultimate prize—another person's affection. Maybe it's not real affection. Maybe it's just sugar candy manufactured for the cameras, destined to melt away once the red light blinks out.

I say who cares. Go ahead and let yourself get a little lost in it.

Most of all, we love the love. This season was stuffed with drama, but lacked love. The one man Des saw a future with didn't see one with her.

That's the biggest gut punch. There's no winner this year, and there's always a winner. There's no riding off into the sunset, no championship ring. Just a heartbroken girl and a guy who did the right thing. More often than not, that's what it comes down to. But it's not what we expect from The Bachelor.

Is the season over? Pretty much. Did Des get what she wanted? Nope, not even close.

But if I were her, I'd keep my head held high. These are the moments that define a person's character—more so than saying "I love you" in a tropical paradise ever could.

Des said that she's done this alone her whole life. She'll have to do it a little bit longer. But hey, character doesn't quit, and I bet you that when she wakes up, the only direction she's looking is forward.

Even if that brave face is covering up a lot of hurt.

BRO LOVES BACHELOR – WEEK 8

I HAVE A DREAM TODAY

RIP Zak. You will be missed. America will miss your abs, but also your free spirit and overactive imagination. We all got a window into Zak's head this week as a parting gift. I'll recap real quick.

After greeting Des, Zak admits that he was born in a park and raised by wolves and squirrels. He pays homage to his past by wearing this T-Shirt to bed every night. Once he's got Des comfortable, he proceeds to eliminate all established comfort by telling Des about a dream he had last night. In the dream, he and Des are lying on a sandy beach. It's super hot out, so they starting melting into each other. Sounds like quite a pickle, my man. Anyway, they're melting into each other, but then it starts snowing and they catch the falling snow in cups. Red solo cups, I imagine. Once they've harvested the requisite amount of snow to reconstitute themselves, they eat the snow from the cups. Awesome! They're back to normal! To celebrate, hundreds of children appear from out of nowhere to cheer on their new love.

Moral of the story—red solo cups are radical receptacles.

And then Zak woke up in a penguin suit.

 
Fair enough. Let's get to the stats.

Love Count: 71

Rose Count: 7

Heart Count: 10

Journey Count: 3

Zak's Hometown: Welcome to Dallas, bruh. Home of Tony Romo, Dirk Nowitzki's unbridled flow, and this child-molestery giant cowboy. 

The highlights of this hometown: Zak’s mom Maryann being a yippy skippy, Zak admitting that he had lost the idea of real love, and Zak and his family performing a song for Des—a built-up version of the song Zak wrote for her in Atlantic City. 

The low lights: After the performance, Zak gives Des a ring he bought for her in Atlantic City. Then they make out for a while and he tells her he loves her. Then he gets eliminated a few nights later and throws the ring out of the limo window on the way out. Infinite sorrow.

Drew's Hometown: Willkommen auf Scottsdale, meiner Bruder! The New York times once called Scottsdale, "a desert version of Miami's South Beach." 

Des takes her talents there to meet Drew, whose hair looks very stiff today. Specifically, it looks as stiff a drink my friend Chris used to call a "Fire It Up." The recipe follows:

FIRE IT UP

1.5 oz Smirnoff Vodka

1 oz Heritage Triple Sec

.5 oz DeKuyper Sour Apple Pucker

.5 oz DeKuyper Raspberry Pucker

40 oz being poor

Pour over a glass of ice and little hope in life. Enjoy!

It seems like every time Drew kisses Des he’s trying to prove he’s not gay. 

To start their date, Drew and Des pick up his sister Melissa from a home. She’s very excited to see Des! She likes hair. Not this kind of hair, though. Later, Drew's father Mal tells Des that she’s met an angel—Melissa! Des would have settled for Michael. 

Hey, you take what you can get. I would like Knob Creek, but I usually settle for Canadian Mist.

I don't care to say anything more about Drew. He's nauseating.

Chris' Hometown: Chris is from McMinnville, Oregon. Rumor has it that Greg Oden's basketball skills are hiding there. Love you Greg, but I had to.

Chris is a former professional baseball player, so he takes Des to go “have a catch!” The Cubs drafted Chris in 2007, and he didn't pan out, so I guess that's just one more reason the Cubs are so awful. 

Des can swing the bat! She can also give Chris a piggyback ride. They have a nice little picnic on the baseball diamond with David sunflower seeds and IPAs. After that, Chris takes her to meet his family. Chris’ dad is a chiropractor and he gives her a treatment. Des gets her neck popped and her back popped and everything. Des wants to know if Chris is ready for a relationship. His dad says he is. 

Once Des is done with Chris' dad, Chris goes in to get a nose adjustment. Just when one of the Bachelors was going to have a normal family, Chris is on his back with his dad poking a tissue up his nose and then inflating a balloon inside each nostril. Talk about an invasive procedure!

Brooks' Hometown: Salt Lake City, Land of 1,000 Hugs! They relive all their best moments in the park. While canoeing in the park, Des and Brooks see a lovely duck couple. Des asks, “Do you think that duck couple over there met the way we did?” 

I assume this couple met on The Duckchelor. In honor of ducks everywhere, I'm going to rank the most eligible Duckchelors.

3. Daffy Duck - Daffy is a little looney for me (lol), but he has a good figure, which will probably last through old age.

2. The AFLAC Duck - He's a known racist, but duck gettin' paper.

1. Gordon Bombay - Proven winner. On the ice and in the bedroom. Ask Coach McKay.

Brook's hometown goes great. At this point, he's jumped Chris in the rankings and put himself in great position to become the second Mormon winner of Bachelorette in a row.

First Rose: Brooks

Final Rose: Drew

Eliminated:  Zak 

Get ready for some man crying next week. Oooh I'm so giddy!

BRO LOVES BACHELOR - WEEK 7

HERE WE GO AGAIN

The first rule of journalism is, "Assume nothing." The second rule of journalism is, "Don't bury the lead." 

Go ahead and break the first rule. Sorry, Joseph Pulitzer. It's safe to assume I won't bury the lead tonight.

None of us were going to remember Michael G a month from now. ABC mainly used the federal prosecutor from New York City as a foil to Ben and James' villainy. Michael played the part of the love-struck, woebegone kid the other kids always picked last for kickball. His father left him, his girlfriend left him, and ultimately, Des left him. We were going to leave him too.

Until this:

That caption comes courtesy of Michael's mother who, forgive me, could not sound more like a stereotypical Jewish woman from Long Island. Mike's mom is obviously a veteran of heartbreak, because when Michael calls her to report the bad news that she won't be meeting Desiree, she jumps head-first into a pool of her own misery. "HERE WE GO AGAIN?" Mom, how about a little pick-me-up? How about an, "Oh, to Hell with Des! There's five million women in Manhattan, Mikey! You'll be bangin' one in the bathroom right after you get off the plane at LaGuardia!" Nope, too rich for Mama G's blood. But hey, you know what they say in the end:

It's not meant to be. Let's get to the stats.

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Love Count: 72 (Just so you know it's getting serious)

Rose Count: 39

Heart Count: 13

Journey Count: 4 (That same thing that tingles when I see Canadian Club on sale is tingling right now. I love JOURNEY!)

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Makeouts: Clean sweep for ya boys. 

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First 1v1 Date: Brooks. He got the first one on one date back in Week 2, and he got the second one on one date in Week 7. Des and Brooks took a little drive in a Smart car to look over the cliffs of Madeira. It’s pretty cool. At some point, they drive up above the clouds. Then they have a picnic on a cliff above the clouds. 

Not only did they break through the clouds, they had a breakthrough in their relationship. Gag me.

At this point, Des says her famous line, “Times it by ten.” You mean multiply, girl. It's cool, you're still hot.

At dinner, Des and Brooks come up with some adjectives to describe love: skipping, jogging, running, and the finish line. THOSE ARE GERUNDS AND A NOUN, bruh. Go back 2 grammer class; dawg. 

At the end of the date, it seems like Des' feelings are a little ahead of Brooks' feelings. She's running, and he's still pushing the primer on the lawn mower. In the end, though, Des gave Brooks the first rose during the rose ceremony, and she's going to meet his family next week. There's no need for panic—yet.

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Second 1v1 Date: Chris. “The chemistry we have is like, pretty legit. It’s real.” 

No doubt, bruh. Chris and Des go out to sea on a huge yacht. They go to a deserted island. They have a picnic on a deserted island. 

Personally, I like the concept of a desserted island better. Like the AT&T commercial with the kids!

Chris brings a bottle of champagne to make a message in a bottle. He and Des write a poem to put in the bottle together. It’s horrific. Emily Dickinson just tied her tubes. Not that she really needed to. Woof.

During the dinner date, Chris rattles off another incredible work of poetry to express his feelings to Des. He really brings it home at the end when he says, "I love you," making him the first man to say it this season! Des says it blows her out of the roof. 

MORE LIKE BLOWING YOUR LOAD TOO EARLY, BRO. MAINTAIN!

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Third 1v1 Date: Micheal. Mike says he feels blessed and fortunate to be around Des. I feel fortunate and blessed to be around fried chicken and malt liquor.

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2v1 Date: Zak and Drew. They go to a go cart track and race, Drew vs. Zak. Whoever wins gets a special surprise. 

This is the Battle of the Dudes with Abs! Zak wins by a mile, so he gets the first shot at alone time with Des. He breaks out some sketches he did to relive some memories with Des. His sketches aren’t bad actually. 

During his alone time, Drew heaps on the corny romanticism like a fat man heaps on the all-you-can-eat ribs at Golden Corral.

Des gives Drew the rose. Poor Zak. I kinda hate Drew. He needs to make his way through a wood chipper.

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First Rose: Drew

Final Rose: Zak

Eliminated: Michael

BACHELORETTE SUPERLATIVES

Catherine, Jackie, and Ashley (from Sean's season of The Bachelor) dropped by get the low-down on the guys from Des. It turned into Bachelorette Superlatives—here are the results.

FUNNIEST: Brooks. Dude's a barrel of laughs. Can't find any monkeys though.

MOST ATHLETIC: Chris. Duh, he plays professional baseball. Drew gets his exercise from opening up modeling magazines and gazing at himself.

BEST KISSER: Drew. 

Yeah, she looks happy.

MOST IN FAVOR OF STATES' RIGHTS: Michael. Kidding, they didn't come up with that one! Micheal's depression is the most likely to become infinitely dense and kill him.

MOST ADVENTUROUS: Zak. Frodo had Zak in his pocket the whole way to Mordor. Thanks for helping out with the Ring, man. Without you, we could never have transitioned into the Third Age of Middle Earth.

BEST BODY: Drew. "Drew is the best looking guy I’ve ever met." REALLY?? Have you met 

this guy?

BIGGEST DICK: Chris. She thinks. I'm not making this one up. They discussed it.

This was a good episode. I feel like we finally got back to what The Bachelorette is all about—the love. Too bad this man is about to ruin everything.

Yup, Des' brother is back. As Bart Scott says, can't wait.

BACHELORETTE POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 7

I think it's safe to say that this season's crop of bachelors isn't of the same caliber as past seasons'. We're in Week 7, but it's still hard to gauge what kind of relationship Des has with each of her guy pals. She's got obvious chemistry with Chris and Brooks, and both Drew and Zak did great work in Week 6, but come on, we're a week away from Hometowns! Can you honestly picture any of them asking Des' father if he can marry her?

Chris and Brooks had their one on one dates early on, and they've taken a back seat since then. The Ben/James villain drama took over from there. This was entertaining, but ultimately just a distraction. And even when it wasn't the focus, Des had to waste valuable time and energy weeding out the other bachelor hopefuls who never had a chance (we're talking Kasey, Mikey T, and Juan Pablo).

There's no JP this season. There's no Sean. There's not even a Ben Flajnik.

And there's no Justin the Wrestler.

The fact that James had dreams of becoming the next Bachelor is comedic. At this point, my money would be on ABC looking outside the family—or reaching back for Ed Swiderski. Love me some Ed.

It's all added up to a season where we've been entertained by the drama and hijinks, but missed out on what we really want—the love story.

So ABC/Chris Harrison, I better start hearing "journey" a lot more. Now, to the RANKINGS!

THE GREAT ENIGMA

5. Drew - I'm putting Drew at number five because of what we saw in last week's promo. Without that minute and a half of absolute pandemonium, I'd have Drew at number three with a chance to jump into the top two. But, it looks like Drew's time is running out. Either something's wrong at home (aka his father's health is failing) or Drew is going to have an enormous change of heart. The second option seems more likely because of what we saw in the promo for this week's episode—Des feels betrayed. It's hard to believe Drew would do that, but take a look at the picture—I count four huge red flags.

1. Open flannel shirt
2. Shredded abs
3. Jeans that don't have holes, they have FRAYED SPOTS
4. Boy band swoosh hair

Drew, I have to hand it to ya. You swindled us. But now I'm on to you. Take your fake lumberjack ass back to the States!


OBJECTION!!!

4. Michael (+4) - Somehow he's in the final five. Micheal moved up four spots this week by default. He hasn't had a one on one date yet, he was openly hostile during the two on one date with Ben, and he never seems to get any time alone with Des to build their relationship. Motion to send Micheal back to NYC—all those in favor, say aye.


GET READY TO MEET NEIL LANE 

3. Zak - Got his chance and made the most of it in Week 6. Remember, a Bachelorette winner has never gotten their first one on one date after Week 5 (Team Catherine accomplished it in the Bachelor, though), but Zak is still in the game. He's going to have to bring it to make it to the final two.

2. Brooks - We haven't seen much of Brooks in a while, but it looks like he's about to be in the spotlight again. Those were some seriously lusty makeout shots in the Week 7 teaser. I can't wait, especially because we haven't had a helicopter makeout yet this season. Brooks, get it done.

1. Chris - He keeps the top spot using the power of poetry and truth. I'm not sure how much more poetry and truth I can take, though.


Again, look at our likely top three—Zak, Brooks, and Chris. Can you see any of them as the next Bachelor? Zak has no chance. Chris is romantic, but not very interesting. And Brooks? We've already watched one floppy-haired Bachelor throw his life away.

Actually, let's hope it's Brooks. I'd love to see Courtney get her spider claws on him, too.

BRO LOVES BACHELOR - WEEK 6

G'NIGHT, GENTLEMEN 

Yes, I'm going to address whatever just happened during the promo for next week's episode. My jaw dropped lower than Zak's did when he saw the nude model during his 1 on 1 date.

But first, James. This week's episode was like a bad horror movie where the monster just refuses to die. In Bachelorettetopia, James is that monster. By my count, Des could have eliminated him at least four different times before she finally cut the cord. Let's go through them real quick.

1. Drew's 1 on 1 Date: Drew blows the lid on James' operation during his steamy 1 on 1 date with Des. He tells her all about the conversation James and Mikey T had while they thought everyone else was asleep (their schemes about girls, boats, and James' Bachelor aspirations). She could have done it that night, sight unseen. She called him a, "fucking asshole." But instead, Des allowed the creature to live. At this point, James is like the Creature from the Black Lagoon: slimy, sort of moldy-looking, but with great abs.

2. Kasey's Konfessional: I spelled confessional wrong but it's cuz alliteration! Anyway, during the group date, Kasey takes Des aside and tells her about the conversation he heard between Mikey T and James—basically rehashing Drew's argument for James' dismissal. She should have gotten rid of him then, but our Hercules let the Hydra live. Duh, Greek bro, you have to sear the cut so the head can't grow back!

3. Jonfronting James: It doesn't work quite as well there. When Des confronts James, you can see him summoning the tears. When he responds, his eyes start glistening. He throws Mikey T under the bus; he turns on the waterworks. Then Des starts crying; she says she needs to clear her head and think about it overnight. The beast lives. James lays down a great quote at this point: "I'm gonna stay. And they can watch me walk off into the sunset with her." James is like a sexy vampire—handsome, sharp of hair, silver-tongued, and deadly. #TeamEdward

4.  Gasping for Air: Before the night of the rose ceremony, Des pulls James out of the group and takes him outside, planning to send him home. But once the conversation gets going, she can't do it! Every guy in the house hates James and wants him gone; two of them have even come right out and told Des about their feelings. As the old saying goes, where there's smoke, there's fire. And what do you do with fires? You use them to hold sick cookouts!! But for real, when you're done, put the fire out. True bruhs care about the environment. James has fully transformed into the evil liquid-metal bro from Terminator 2.

However, Des is Arnold. And in the end, Arnold banishes the villain. James, it was fun, but bro, you gotta go. Let's hit the stats.


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Love Count: 38

Rose Count: 18

Heart Count: 4

Journey Count: 0 (It's cool, they're just saving the best for the last few episodes)

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First 1 on 1 Date: Drew. Drew looks like a baby Ken doll (he really does). He kisses Des right away—and basically never stops. They kiss after drinking hot chocolate, after drinking water from some strange water fountain in the middle of the street, and after drinking in the beauty of Barcelona—in the middle of a deserted alley. Where did this come from? Who is Drew? Let's review what we learned:

1. Drew is a Digital Marketing Analyst from Scottsdale, Arizona.

2. He has super swooshy hair.

3. He does the model walk better than any of the other dudes.

4. His dad is a former alcoholic who works with AA now and has cancer.

I'd say, "Which one of these isn't like the other three," but this is the Bachelorette, so there's some of everything.

--> Group Date:  Brooks, Juan Pablo, Michael, Chris, James, and Kasey. It's a soccer date! Des’ team of six professional soccer-playing women take on the guys! The guys score a few goals right off, but then the women turn it on and win 10-2. Shows you can never get too cocky, brah. The girls will get ya! It's like Spain vs. Tahiti from this year's Confederations Cup. 

Those highlights kill me because David Villa scored a hat trick and I hate that man.

This gives me a great opportunity to share some of my favorite photos with you guys. This campaign could be called "Girls can do Stuff" a la Anchorman, but you might recognize them as the "I am Powerful" posters. For some reason, I really enjoy them.

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Second 1 on 1 Date: Zak. Des seems off at the beginning of this date, but she warms up to Zak in the end. They go to an art studio and get to paint a model. Des can actually sort of draw, but when Zak tries to draw Des, but he adds color to his sketch and it turns out really bad. It looks like a really pale girl rubbed bean dip all over her face and put on too much "kissable cherry" lipstick. 

Then they have to paint a nude model. Then Zak becomes the model…but he’s in his underwear! It’s the return of Mr. Abs!! In the end, Zak gets a rose, and gets to make out with Des in a tunnel. So jealous...

MORE STATS

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Makeouts: Drew, Chris, Brooks, Zak

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First Rose: Drew

Group Date Rose: None

Final Rose: Michael (Doubleyou tee efff)

Eliminated: Juan Pablo, James, Kasey

DUDE NOTES

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Brooks: He gets to go make out with Des while the rest of the dudes confront James. How'd you swing that one, Tarzan?

Michael G: Michael loves adjectives. I love adjectives too, such as orbital, conflagratory, and stingray.

Kasey: Kasey is now “balancing” the situation with James and his relationship with Des. He should have eased up on the James side of that equation. Kasey says that, “James could sell ice to an Eskimo." I have some better versions of that statement.

1. James could sell shit to a plumber.

2. James could sell sub-par deli meat to Subway.

3. James could sell butter to Paula Dean.

Sidenote: I just saw an ad for cougarlife.com. Interesting...

Chris: Welcome to Des and Chris’ Poetry corner! 

There once was a guy named Chris

Who wrote sappy poems

Somehow it worked

Let's all go watch Duck Dynasty

BEFORE WE GO...

WHAT IS GOING HAPPEN NEXT WEEK? That promo was insane. I haven't seen that many dudes cry since the Cubs lost to the Marlins in the 2003 NLCS. Yes, I cried that night.

I have a couple ideas:

1. Drew's dad dies and he leaves. 

2. One of Des' parents dies and she thinks about leaving.

3. Drew has a dramatic change of heart and decides he needs to go home.

Option 3 seems to be the most likely outcome. After Drew's performance this week, it's hard to believe he might eliminate himself, but we've already seen it this season with Bryden. Once he leaves, Des goes into a downward spiral of sadness, which causes all the other guys to let the tears flow. Let's hope it's option three. The Bachelorette isn't made to be taken seriously, but both of those things would be terrible. 

STAY TUNED FOR WEEK 7 POWER RANKINGS, COMING MONDAY!

BACHELORETTE POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 6

We lost a few key players last week, but the core of our dude pool is still in tact. Minus Mikey T's core, which ranks just above diamond on the Mohs Scale of Hardness.

This week, you'll see a number and a +/- symbol next to each bro's name. This represents the number of spots they moved up or down the rankings. A plus sign means they moved up and a minus sign means they moved down.

BUH-BYE!

8. Michael G (+1) - Big Mike is riding the struggle mobile hot tub right now. He broke all the rules last week when he became the aggressor on the 2 on 1 date with Ben. He hasn't gotten a 1 on 1 date yet, and my money would be on Brooks getting a second 1 on 1 before Michael gets his first. The only reason he's got a positive number next to his name is because three dudes were eliminated last week, and he moved up by default.

7. Kasey (+1) - Kasey doesn't bring much to the table, and now he's about to join Drew on a quest to get James kicked out of the house. It's the right thing to do, but it's not the smart thing to do. The only way to win is to stay above the fray, bray.

PLAYING FOR THE BRONZE

6. James (-3) - James took the biggest step back of any contestant this week, falling three spots to #6. It's pretty obvious why. James is a piece of shit, and everyone is starting to catch on. Des demonstrated her willingness to eliminate the villain last week when she axed Ben. It may take an episode or two before James gets his, but James will get his.

5. Drew (+5) - Drew took the biggest step forward of any contestant this week, moving up five spots to #5. That really says more about how bad the other guys are, though. Drew hasn't had a 1 on 1 date yet,  so we really don't know much about him. Look for him to get his opportunity this week, though. Maybe we'll learn something about him worth knowing.

4. Juan Pablo (+3) - If the middle of the pack is equally mediocre, who are you gonna keep around? The hot foreign guy you like making out with. Put it on the board. Every time. The fact that he has a daughter and not much to offer in the brains departement precludes Juan Pablo from joining the top group, though. 

3. Zak (+2) - Zak may have a chance, but it's still only a chance to win the bronze medal. I think his whole "decided not to become a priest after a soul-searching backpacking trip through Europe" story may have hurt him. BUT, he's a GREAT KISSER!!! 

ALPHA MALES 

2. Brooks (-1) Yeah, I have him moving down a spot this week, but there's no cause for concern here. Brooks and Chris may flip-flop week to week, but barring something crazy, it's looking like they're the permananet alpha dogs. The only thing that makes me nervous is that ABC is really pumping the Brooks/Des makeout scenes on the promos. It can't be that easy, can it??

1. Chris (+1) - You're making the rest of us look bad, dawg. Christ, he's a Hilfiger model...


Week 6 Recap comes out Tuesday. Buh-bye! 



 

BRO LOVES BACHELOR - WEEK 5

MY HEART YODELS A SONG

Dudes in Deutschland. Guys in Germany. Men in Munich. Bros in Bavaria. 

Is it just me, or did things take a serious turn this week? The key word for this episode: duality. That's right, it's not just a literary theme from Mrs. Winkler's 10th grade Honors English class anymore. I'm about to Bacheloretteify it, dawg.

Duality involves the interplay of two opposing, yet irresistible, forces. Examples include: yin and yang, good and evil, ketchup and mustard, Keystone light and Keystone ice (ice always wins). 

In this season of Bachelorette, two men have emerged to act out the greatest of dualities: the battle between the hero and the villain. 

OUR HERO

Chris. Armed with nothing but unstoppable romanticism, a strong jaw line, and poetry, Chris emerges to take on all those who would harm Des. He's strong, handsome, well-spoken, mature, and immaculately dreamy. But can he defeat...

THE VILLAIN

James. We thought Ben was this season's villain. That's a good one, Robin Williams. 

Ben was like the Willem Dafoe Green Goblin. James is like the James Franco Green Goblin (better hair and no kids to get in the way of evil plots). 

Through Drew's testimonial, we learn of a conversation between James and Mikey T. After the show is over, says Drew, the two well-muscled bros are planning to run Chicago. They’re going to go out on Mikey T’s boat, bring women, and have intimate times. Drew also claims that James feels confident that if he makes the Final Four, he has a good chance to become the next Bachelor. 

Armed with only this knowledge and the light of justice, Drew and sidekick Kasey plan to reveal James' plot to Des and foil his dastardly plans. But when Des cancels the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, their efforts are dashed. James lives to plot another day. Will Chris able to save our heroine from his clutches?

I can't wait to find out. Let's get to the stats.

Love Count: 19

Rose Count: 23

Heart Count: 4

Journey Count: 1

The Right Reasons Count: 2

 

Makeouts: Chris, Brooks, James

THE DATES

1 on 1 Date: Chris and Des go to a market in Munich, where they try a sausage together and have a little dance in the town square in front of a traditionally dressed German band. Rammstein is a German band, but they are less traditionally dressed. 

During their time at the market, Bryden shows up and tells Des that he's going home. His feelings aren't where they should be, and he'd rather leave now than wait for things to get too serious. Damn, he was my second pick in the Bachelorette Fantasy Draft at work. But that's what you get with the #8 pick.

Guten tag, Bryden. 

After their market date, Chris and Des have dinner. Chris lets Des know he’s in this for the long haul, and Des kisses him. They go to the Munich Residenz in full formal getup for a little dancing. Des’ dress is purple and it sparkles, like Tinky Winky covered in K-Y Jelly in a well-lit room of full of mirrors.

Over dinner, Des and Chris talk about their last serious relationships. Des says she needs someone expressive, and Chris obliges by reading a poem he wrote on the plane on the way to Germany. It’s horrible, but he’s a frickin’ heart-melter. Then they dance, and kiss, and talk the night away … and I was swept away. 

<3 Chris, bruh.

Group Date: Juan Pablo, James, Kasey, Brooks, Drew, Mikey T, Zak. They go to the highest peak in all of Germany to play in the snow! They meet a yodeler. They try yodeling, and then they slide down the mountain in sleds. Des calls it the happiest place on earth. NO, BRO! MEN’S WAREHOUSE CALLED AND THEY DISPUTE THIS!

When this man says you're going to like the way you look, and on top of that, he guarantees it, what are you going to do? Tell him to suck it? Please. 

2 on 1 Date: Michael and Ben. This one had been brewing for a while, and it didn't disappoint.

To break the tension, Des suggests she and the men jump into Lake Tegernsee. But this is a joke. Instead, they float out on a hot tub boat. A hot tub boat is like a mobile fratio, so this is much better, but things get awkward on the open water. 

Michael grills Ben about his son and his son’s mother. Then Michael admits that his father left his mother when he was young. As soon as you think there’s someone without a tortured past on this show, the guys just keep surprising you! 

In doing this, Michael breaks a huge Bachelorette rule: Never be the aggressor. 

Here are the three rules of Bachelorette:

1. Don't be the aggressor. Keep yourself out of the drama.

2. Don't drink the last Heineken. 

3. No pooping in the Fantasy Suite bathroom.

Michael gets on Ben about not going to church on Easter and for not talking to his son on Easter, when Ben claims to be a good Christian man. Ben has to excuse himself. Des tells Michael she’s making him uncomfortable and goes to talk to Ben. After a while, Ben rejoins the date. Des talks to each man individually, and ultimately decides to keep Michael.

I was kinda shocked by that one. But hey, Ben was bad. The bro had to go.

MORE STATS

First Rose: Chris

Group Date Rose: Brooks

2 on 1 Rose: Michael

Final Rose: James

Eliminated: Bryden, Ben, Mikey T

RIP Mikey T. You are loved. You will be missed.

DUDE NOTES

Brooks: Des admits that she wants to kiss Brooks the most.

Juan Pablo: He’s having trouble pronouncing “yodeler.” It’s like Steve Martin pronouncing hamburger. Damn that clip is annoying.

Mikey T: He is the best yodeler, and the chief snowman artist. But alas, he was eliminated.

Ben: “I’ve never had someone question my faith like this. I’ve never had anyone question me as a father.” SUMMARILY ELIMINATED.

Micheal: LET'S PLAY A GAME! It's called, "Which movie-themed quote did Michael not say in this week’s episode?"

Answer Choice A: “In this Gladiator setting, I need to murder Ben.” 

 

“Today is Armageddon.” 

“I’m extremely excited to watch Disney’s The Lone Ranger”

Drew: “James is a cancer.” I don't think Drew is the cure.

James: “The only person who’s a threat to me is myself.” We'll see, big boy. We'll see.

Zak: I laughed pretty hard during his yodeling escapade. Zak says ten years ago he made a huge life decision. He thought he was going to be a priest. He came to Europe and went on a soul-searching mission. He climbed to the top of a mountain and then figured out he wasn’t supposed to be a priest. 

The mountain he climbed was called Twin Peaks. It’s a strip joint. 

Also, Des admits that he’s a great kisser. 

Stay tuned for POWER RANKINGS next Monday. Until then, I can't wait to see what happens next. L8r, gentlemen.