Monday's episode was a little heavy, so I thought we'd have a little fun today. I'm going to show you a picture of everyone's favorite Bachelorette contest, the Mormon Mullet himself, Brooks, and you're going to guess the why behind the waterworks.
#1 — SKIPPING THE ROSE CEREMONY
You might think Brooks is getting a little teary here because he's about to go break up with Des. He's shared a three-month journey with this woman, but it ain't meant to be.
Brooks spoke with his mother and sister before he went to
Antigua, and he realized he wasn't ready to propose to Des. He can’t say that he loves her
without second guessing himself. Since any bro knows that he who hesitates is lost,
and Brooks’ love GPS obviously isn’t running 4G (more like skipping 4G), he's gotta cut the cord.
WRONG. Being from Salt Lake City, Brooks is an avid Utah Jazz fan, and he just found out that they drafted the University of Michigan's Trey Burke #9 overall in the NBA draft (remember, this episode took place a few months ago). Brooks believes this is an unbelievable pick. Burke's tenacity, poise, and swagger will propel Brooks' Jazz back to the top. So at first, these are tears of joy. Brooks hops on the phone to order some season tickets—only to find out that they're already sold out. Desperate to keep his cool, he pursues a moment of quiet depression in tropical paradise.
#2 —ADAM DURITZ? NO, BROOKS
Maybe Brooks is having trouble keeping it together because Des is looking super hot in that powder-blue cutoff, and he's casting her off like Tom Hanks cast Wilson away in that Helen Hunt movie?
No, bro, not even close. Brooks is suffering from a serious lack of conditioning right now. He forgot the Thermasilk back in the SLC and he's suffering withdrawals. Des just HAD to drag him out to the end of the walkway where he'd be exposed to the salty, damp air. Do you know what that does to a mullet? Good choice dumping that one.
#3 — WE DON'T WANT YOUR CHARITY, EDDIE MONEY
Poor guy just looks tired in this one! An extended crying sesh will do that do you, my man. This picture comes right after Brooks asked Des if it was too late to purchase a ticket to the Fantasy Suite. You know, for old times sake? She almost took him up on it, but then remembered that she's not that kind of girl. Right ... she wasn't that kind of girl when Drew and Chris had their turn? This was your last chance to taste carnal Mullet flesh, honey, and you blew it!
#4 — EXPELLIAR-MULLETUS
Brooks just realized Dumbledore died. Don't judge him because he's a little late to the game, the only "wizard" media he got to watch growing up was Eureeka's Castle. Which was a sweet show.
Count the number of questions you got right, divide by a set of sultry flow buckets, multiply by stubble that doesn't quit, and add the number of times you've considered switching religions to make yourself more Brooks-compatible. Did that make you feel better? I hope so.
Now, I leave you with these pictures of Chris eating fruit.
The bottom one is a pina colada. You get it. Until next time!
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