I HAVE A DREAM TODAY
RIP Zak. You will be missed. America will miss your abs, but also your free spirit and overactive imagination. We all got a window into Zak's head this week as a parting gift. I'll recap real quick.
After greeting Des, Zak admits that he was born in a
park and raised by wolves and squirrels. He pays homage to his past by
wearing this T-Shirt
to bed every night. Once he's got Des comfortable, he proceeds to
eliminate all established comfort by telling Des about a dream he had
last night. In the dream, he and Des are lying on a sandy beach. It's
super hot out, so they starting melting into each other. Sounds like quite a pickle,
my man. Anyway, they're melting into each other, but then it starts
snowing and they catch the falling snow in cups. Red solo cups, I
imagine. Once they've harvested the requisite amount of snow to
reconstitute themselves, they eat the snow from the cups. Awesome!
They're back to normal! To celebrate, hundreds of children appear from out of nowhere to cheer on their new love.
Moral of the story—red solo cups are radical receptacles.
Fair enough. Let's get to the stats.
Love Count: 71
Rose Count: 7
Heart Count: 10
Journey Count: 3
Zak's Hometown: Welcome to Dallas, bruh. Home of Tony Romo, Dirk Nowitzki's unbridled flow, and this child-molestery giant cowboy.
The highlights of this hometown: Zak’s mom Maryann being a yippy skippy, Zak admitting
that he had lost the idea of real love, and Zak and his family performing a song for Des—a
built-up version of the song Zak wrote for her in Atlantic City.
The low lights: After the performance, Zak gives Des a ring he bought for her in Atlantic City. Then they make
out for a while and he tells her he loves her. Then he gets eliminated a few nights later and throws the ring out of the limo window on the way out. Infinite sorrow.
Drew's Hometown: Willkommen auf Scottsdale, meiner Bruder! The New York times once called Scottsdale, "a desert version of Miami's South Beach."
Des takes her talents there to meet Drew, whose hair looks very stiff today. Specifically, it looks as stiff a drink my friend Chris used to call a "Fire It Up." The recipe follows:
FIRE IT UP
1.5 oz Smirnoff Vodka
1 oz Heritage Triple Sec
.5 oz DeKuyper Sour Apple Pucker
.5 oz DeKuyper Raspberry Pucker
40 oz being poor
Pour over a glass of ice and little hope in life. Enjoy!
It seems like every time Drew kisses Des he’s trying to prove he’s not gay.
To start their date, Drew and Des pick up his sister Melissa from a home. She’s very excited
to see Des! She likes hair. Not this kind of hair, though. Later, Drew's father Mal tells Des that she’s met an angel—Melissa! Des would have settled for Michael.
Hey, you take what you can get. I would like Knob Creek, but I usually settle for Canadian Mist.
I don't care to say anything more about Drew. He's nauseating.
Chris' Hometown: Chris
is from McMinnville, Oregon. Rumor has it that Greg Oden's basketball skills are hiding there. Love you Greg, but I had to.
Chris is a former professional baseball player, so he takes Des to go “have a catch!” The Cubs drafted Chris in 2007, and he didn't pan out, so I guess that's just one more reason the Cubs are so awful.
Des can swing
the bat! She can also give Chris a piggyback ride. They have a nice little
picnic on the baseball diamond with David sunflower seeds and IPAs. After that, Chris takes her to meet his family. Chris’ dad
is a chiropractor and he gives her a treatment. Des gets her neck popped and
her back popped and everything. Des wants to know if Chris is ready for a
relationship. His dad says he is.
Once Des is done with Chris' dad, Chris goes in to get a nose adjustment. Just when one of the Bachelors was going to have a normal family, Chris is on his back with his dad poking a tissue up his nose and then inflating a balloon inside each nostril. Talk about an invasive procedure!
Brooks' Hometown: Salt Lake City, Land of 1,000 Hugs! They relive all their best moments in
the park. While canoeing in the park, Des and Brooks see a lovely duck couple. Des asks, “Do you think that duck couple
over there met the way we did?”
I assume this couple met on The Duckchelor. In honor of ducks everywhere, I'm going to rank the most eligible Duckchelors.
3. Daffy Duck - Daffy is a little looney for me (lol), but he has a good figure, which will probably last through old age.
2. The AFLAC Duck - He's a known racist, but duck gettin' paper.
Brook's hometown goes great. At this point, he's jumped Chris in the rankings and put himself in great position to become the second Mormon winner of Bachelorette in a row.
First Rose: Brooks
Final Rose: Drew
Eliminated: Zak
Get ready for some man crying next week. Oooh I'm so giddy!
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