Yes, I'm going to address whatever just happened during the promo for next week's episode. My jaw dropped lower than Zak's did when he saw the nude model during his 1 on 1 date.
But first, James. This week's episode was like a bad horror movie where the monster just refuses to die. In Bachelorettetopia, James is that monster. By my count, Des could have eliminated him at least four different times before she finally cut the cord. Let's go through them real quick.
1. Drew's 1 on 1 Date: Drew blows the lid on James' operation during his steamy 1 on 1 date with Des. He tells her all about the conversation James and Mikey T had while they thought everyone else was asleep (their schemes about girls, boats, and James' Bachelor aspirations). She could have done it that night, sight unseen. She called him a, "fucking asshole." But instead, Des allowed the creature to live. At this point, James is like the Creature from the Black Lagoon: slimy, sort of moldy-looking, but with great abs.
2. Kasey's Konfessional: I spelled confessional wrong but it's cuz alliteration! Anyway, during the group date, Kasey takes Des aside and tells her about the conversation he heard between Mikey T and James—basically rehashing Drew's argument for James' dismissal. She should have gotten rid of him then, but our Hercules let the Hydra live. Duh, Greek bro, you have to sear the cut so the head can't grow back!
3. Jonfronting James: It doesn't work quite as well there. When Des confronts James, you can see him summoning the tears. When he responds, his eyes start glistening. He throws Mikey T under the bus; he turns on the waterworks. Then Des starts crying; she says she needs to clear her head and think about it overnight. The beast lives. James lays down a great quote at this point: "I'm gonna stay. And they can watch me walk off into the sunset with her." James is like a sexy vampire—handsome, sharp of hair, silver-tongued, and deadly. #TeamEdward
4. Gasping for Air: Before the night of the rose ceremony, Des pulls James out of the group and takes him outside, planning to send him home. But once the conversation gets going, she can't do it! Every guy in the house hates James and wants him gone; two of them have even come right out and told Des about their feelings. As the old saying goes, where there's smoke, there's fire. And what do you do with fires? You use them to hold sick cookouts!! But for real, when you're done, put the fire out. True bruhs care about the environment. James has fully transformed into the evil liquid-metal bro from Terminator 2.
However, Des is Arnold. And in the end, Arnold banishes the villain. James, it was fun, but bro, you gotta go. Let's hit the stats.
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Love Count: 38
Rose Count: 18
Heart Count: 4
Journey Count: 0 (It's cool, they're just saving the best for the last few episodes)
First 1 on 1 Date: Drew. Drew looks like a baby Ken doll (he really does). He kisses Des right away—and basically never stops.
They kiss after drinking hot chocolate, after drinking water from some strange water fountain in the middle of the street, and after drinking in the beauty of Barcelona—in the middle of a deserted alley. Where did this come from? Who is Drew? Let's review what we learned:
1. Drew is a Digital Marketing Analyst from Scottsdale, Arizona.
2. He has super swooshy hair.
3. He does the model walk better than any of the other dudes.
4. His dad is a former alcoholic who works with AA now and has cancer.
I'd say, "Which one of these isn't like the other three," but this is the Bachelorette, so there's some of everything.
Those highlights kill me because David Villa scored a hat trick and I hate that man.
This gives me a great opportunity to share some of my favorite photos with you guys. This campaign could be called "Girls can do Stuff" a la Anchorman, but you might recognize them as the "I am Powerful" posters. For some reason, I really enjoy them.
Second 1 on 1 Date: Zak. Des
seems off at the beginning of this date, but she warms up to Zak in the end. They go to an art studio and get to
paint a model. Des can actually sort of draw, but when Zak tries to draw Des, but he
adds color to his sketch and it turns out really bad. It looks like a really pale girl rubbed bean
dip all over her face and put on too much "kissable cherry" lipstick.
Then they have to paint
a nude model. Then Zak becomes the model…but he’s in his underwear! It’s the
return of Mr. Abs!! In the end, Zak gets a rose, and gets to make out with Des in a tunnel. So jealous...
MORE STATS
Makeouts: Drew,
Chris, Brooks, Zak
First Rose: Drew
Group Date Rose: None
Final Rose: Michael (Doubleyou tee efff)
Eliminated: Juan
Pablo, James, Kasey
DUDE NOTES
Brooks: He gets
to go make out with Des while the rest of the dudes confront James. How'd you swing that one, Tarzan?
Michael G: Michael
loves adjectives. I love adjectives too, such as orbital, conflagratory, and stingray.
Kasey: Kasey is
now “balancing” the situation with James and his relationship with Des. He should have eased up on the James side of that equation. Kasey says that, “James
could sell ice to an Eskimo." I have some better versions of that statement.
1. James could sell shit to a plumber.
2. James could sell sub-par deli meat to Subway.
3. James could sell butter to Paula Dean.
Sidenote: I just saw an ad for cougarlife.com. Interesting...
Chris: Welcome to Des and Chris’ Poetry corner!
There once was a guy named Chris
Who wrote sappy poems
Somehow it worked
Let's all go watch Duck Dynasty
BEFORE WE GO...
WHAT IS GOING HAPPEN NEXT WEEK? That promo was insane. I haven't seen that many dudes cry since the Cubs lost to the Marlins in the 2003 NLCS. Yes, I cried that night.
I have a couple ideas:
1. Drew's dad dies and he leaves.
2. One of Des' parents dies and she thinks about leaving.
3. Drew has a dramatic change of heart and decides he needs to go home.
Option 3 seems to be the most likely outcome. After Drew's performance this week, it's hard to believe he might eliminate himself, but we've already seen it this season with Bryden. Once he leaves, Des goes into a downward spiral of sadness, which causes all the other guys to let the tears flow. Let's hope it's option three. The Bachelorette isn't made to be taken seriously, but both of those things would be terrible.
STAY TUNED FOR WEEK 7 POWER RANKINGS, COMING MONDAY!
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