The first rule of journalism is, "Assume nothing." The second rule of journalism is, "Don't bury the lead."
Go ahead and break the first rule. Sorry, Joseph Pulitzer. It's safe to assume I won't bury the lead tonight.
None of us were going to remember Michael G a month from now. ABC mainly used the federal prosecutor from New York City as a foil to Ben and James' villainy. Michael played the part of the love-struck, woebegone kid the other kids always picked last for kickball. His father left him, his girlfriend left him, and ultimately, Des left him. We were going to leave him too.
Until this:
That caption comes courtesy of Michael's mother who, forgive me, could not sound more like a stereotypical Jewish woman from Long Island. Mike's mom is obviously a veteran of heartbreak, because when Michael calls her to report the bad news that she won't be meeting Desiree, she jumps head-first into a pool of her own misery. "HERE WE GO AGAIN?" Mom, how about a little pick-me-up? How about an, "Oh, to Hell with Des! There's five million women in Manhattan, Mikey! You'll be bangin' one in the bathroom right after you get off the plane at LaGuardia!" Nope, too rich for Mama G's blood. But hey, you know what they say in the end:
It's not meant to be. Let's get to the stats.
-->
Love Count: 72 (Just so you know it's getting serious)
Rose Count: 39
Heart Count: 13
Journey Count: 4 (That same thing that tingles when I see Canadian Club on sale is tingling right now. I love JOURNEY!)
Makeouts: Clean
sweep for ya boys.
First 1v1 Date: Brooks.
He got the first one on one date back in Week 2, and he got the second one on one date in Week 7. Des and Brooks
took a little drive in a Smart car to look over the cliffs of Madeira. It’s pretty cool. At
some point, they drive up above the clouds. Then they have a picnic on a cliff
above the clouds.
Not only did they break through the clouds, they had a
breakthrough in their relationship. Gag me.
At this point, Des says her famous line, “Times it by
ten.” You mean multiply, girl. It's cool, you're still hot.
At dinner, Des and Brooks come up with some adjectives to describe love: skipping, jogging, running, and the finish line. THOSE ARE GERUNDS AND A NOUN, bruh. Go back 2 grammer class; dawg.
At the end of the date, it seems like Des' feelings are a little ahead of Brooks' feelings. She's running, and he's still pushing the primer on the lawn mower. In the end, though, Des gave Brooks the first rose during the rose ceremony, and she's going to meet his family next week. There's no need for panic—yet.
Second 1v1 Date: Chris.
“The chemistry we have is like, pretty legit. It’s real.”
No doubt, bruh. Chris and Des go out to sea on
a huge yacht. They go to a deserted island. They have a picnic on a deserted
island.
Personally, I like the concept of a desserted island better. Like the AT&T commercial with the kids!
Chris brings a bottle
of champagne to make a message in a bottle. He and Des write a poem to put in the
bottle together. It’s horrific. Emily Dickinson just tied her tubes. Not that she really needed to. Woof.
During the
dinner date, Chris rattles off another incredible work of poetry to express his feelings to Des. He
really brings it home at the end when he says, "I love you," making him the first man to say it this season! Des says it blows her out of the roof.
MORE LIKE BLOWING YOUR LOAD
TOO EARLY, BRO. MAINTAIN!
Third 1v1 Date: Micheal. Mike
says he feels blessed and fortunate to be around Des. I feel fortunate and blessed to be
around fried chicken and malt liquor.
2v1 Date: Zak and
Drew. They go to a go cart track and race, Drew vs. Zak. Whoever wins gets a
special surprise.
This is the Battle of the Dudes with Abs! Zak wins by a mile, so he gets the
first shot at alone time with Des. He breaks out some sketches he did to relive
some memories with Des. His sketches aren’t bad actually.
During his alone time, Drew
heaps on the corny romanticism like a fat man heaps on the all-you-can-eat ribs at Golden Corral.
Des gives Drew the rose. Poor Zak. I kinda hate Drew. He needs to make his way through a wood chipper.
First Rose: Drew
Final Rose: Zak
Eliminated: Michael
BACHELORETTE SUPERLATIVES
Catherine, Jackie, and Ashley (from Sean's season of The Bachelor) dropped by get the low-down on the guys from Des. It turned into Bachelorette Superlatives—here are the results.
FUNNIEST: Brooks. Dude's a barrel of laughs. Can't find any monkeys though.
MOST ATHLETIC: Chris. Duh, he plays professional baseball. Drew gets his exercise from opening up modeling magazines and gazing at himself.
BEST KISSER: Drew.
Yeah, she looks happy.
MOST IN FAVOR OF STATES' RIGHTS: Michael. Kidding, they didn't come up with that one! Micheal's depression is the most likely to become infinitely dense and kill him.
MOST ADVENTUROUS: Zak. Frodo had Zak in his pocket the whole way to Mordor. Thanks for helping out with the Ring, man. Without you, we could never have transitioned into the Third Age of Middle Earth.
BEST BODY: Drew. "Drew is the best looking guy I’ve ever met." REALLY?? Have you met
this guy?
BIGGEST DICK: Chris. She thinks. I'm not making this one up. They discussed it.
This was a good episode. I feel like we finally got back to what The Bachelorette is all about—the love. Too bad this man is about to ruin everything.
Yup, Des' brother is back. As Bart Scott says, can't wait.
No comments:
Post a Comment