The Villain, or the Favorite?

On today's installment, I'll examine Corinne's spot as this season's villain, review last week's predictions, and revise the current list of the Top 5 contestants.

Is Corinne a calculating villain, or a curvaceous simpleton? Is she Forrest Gump, running merely to keep from falling down, or Benedict Cumberbatch, on the cusp of cracking the Nazi code? Is that the vacant, perplexed stare of Dr. Frankenstein's assistant Igor, or the deranged brilliance of Rasputin? Corinne is as complicated as the ear of corn she so eagerly compared herself too. It's wonderful.

I think Corinne is close to throwing off the shackles of her domestic dependence. She's poised to become a fully blossomed dame who's able to dress her own spinach and spring mix blend. Her personality has more brand equity than Louis Vuitton, her wit has more pedigree than a PetCo, and her body's smokin' like Snoop Dog at Rudy's Bar-B-Q.

She was a goner. She wasn't in it for the right reasons. She was going to bouncy castle her way out of the competition...until she didn't. She survived the last rose ceremony, and I'll think she's going to survive a few more. As the women have begun attacking her, she hasn't attacked back in a way that's damaged her in Nick's eyes. She's gone toe to toe with Taylor, the mental health counselor, and taught her the new meaning of emotional intelligence. She's showed confidence, stayed collected, and kept us Corinntertained.

Plus, she runs a multi-million dollar company.

Yes, she napped through a rose ceremony, but she still got a rose. I napped through all of Rush Week and still got a bid. It's a Power Move. Corinne, we salute you. You've vaulted into the ranks of Bachelor villains who have a real shot at becoming something more: a Bug Robertson.

Checking the picks...

1. Sarah. She's doing her best Ryan Leaf impression. One more chance, Sarah. Make it count, or I'll abandon you like a long-haul trucker throwing a Big Gulp out the window during an all-nighter schlepping Campbell's Chunky Soup from Milwaukee to Jacksonville. Messy, crusty, and restless.

2. Vanessa. You know that look when you want to kiss a chick, even though she just barfed because she went for the presidente margarita at chili's, but she also went for a couple of Fireball shots, a Corona, skillet queso, and the molten chocolate cake, and then chugged vodka sodas for 4 hours during 80s Night at Holiday Club? That's how Nick looks at Vanessa. It's unfiltered giddiness.

3. Elizabeth W. Yes, at this point, Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren has as much chance at winning Nick's heart as Elizabeth W does. Looks like I didn't see this blonde person, or Lacey, for that matter, in any future show preview. You're gonna have to give me a pass on this pick. My brain is a step away from the consistency of my favorite power breakfast mixture (peanut butter, chia seeds, steel cut oats, chocolate, maple syrup, MCT oil, and liberal tears) from the concussions I got playing pee wee football. That and too much Joose.

4. Rachel. Not much to say. Not much air time. I got a lot more air time in Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4 doing a 1080 Superflirty McTwister, which sounds more like a sexy DQ blizzard than a panty-dropping half pipe move.

5. Corinne. Yes! Yes! Yes! Don't be scared, Corinne. You've come through the shit to the other side. Stay calm for one more week and you're bound for the top 5. Make your nanny proud.


THE NEW TOP 5 POWER RANKINGS

1. Vanessa. She's the clear favorite at this point. Danielle L made a great charge this past week, but the way Nick hangs on Vanessa is a cut above the rest of the competition. Vanessa isn't doing quite as much to keep Nick's attention as favorites have done in the past, but I don't think she needs to. Corinne's star will burn bright and fast, but Vanessa's will burn long and strong. Corinne is a flaming Dr. Pepper shot, and Vanessa is Four Roses. Both will get you drunk, but Four Roses won't leave you passed out on your futon with a ring of drool crust on the sheet and the stale end of a Chipotle burrito on the floor.

2. Danielle L. I'm a big fan, and she's surged to the top of the pack in the past two weeks. First, she won the group date rose on the Back Street boys date. Then, she got the first one-on-one in Nick's home town in Wisconsin. She even put up with Nick while he chatted up an ex he saw in a random bakery window. Nick. Hint. When you see an ex, keep on walking. You don't have to talk to them. Not all past transgressions can be made good. For instance, I'm still banned from the Popeyes in Ann Arbor. Gravy isn't meant to be used that way.

3. Sarah. She's amused to see her chances fly away like a Walmart birthday balloon. GET A ONE-ON-ONE ALREADY. Are you trying to make me look stupid? I'm hanging onto this pick just because I can't back out now, not because Sarah's done a thing to deserve it. She even went after Corinne this last week. Word to the wise: never go after the villain. Stay above the fray, lady.

4. Corinne. She looks skeptical of that cow in the picture, but we shouldn't be skeptical of her chances anymore. Corinne is a legit threat. Is she the top of the heap? No. She may be confident, intelligent, funny, and clever, but she's also high-strung, wild, and not entirely self-aware. Danielle L and Vanessa are much safer bets. They're interesting even without the six pineapple daiquiris and the bouncy castle. Reminds me of Spring Formal with the Thetas in '07. The rash only just healed..

5. Raven. I've seen her vagina...is what she said about the girl her boyfriend was cheating on her with back in Arkansas. Not only was Raven's date with Nick pretty cool, her backstory was insane. She clearly has some rage issues. Raven admitted to walking in on her ex with another woman and then beating her ex with a stiletto heel, her fists, and the chains her ex used to tie the other woman up with. Everyone was naked. Why did Raven need to get naked to beat someone with a shoe? Why did the other two give her the time to do it? I don't know. It's 2017 in Trump's America. Shit is going to get wild.

Next week, we'll see what Kristina does with her shot at a one-on-one, if Sarah ever manages to get a date, and if Corinne's hourglass finally runs out. I sure hope not!

Until next time, rock on, don't vom, and stay fratty.

- Bro Loves Bachelor