Nick's experience on the Bachelor so far has been like this: He meets a girl at a bar on Friday night. They have some fireball shots, they play ski ball, they bump and grind on the dance floor listening to The Darkness, and before the 3am quesalupa at Taco Bell, he gets her number. They make plans to meet up and go to the Art Institute on Saturday.
But the next day at lunch, Nick remembers he's supposed to do all-you-can-eat-and-drink chicken wings and Bud Light with Chad and Fat Robby at Tommy FinneganO'houlihanMcFiggins' Very Irish Grille. Next thing you know, he's 13 BLs deep, all sauced up on Frank's Red Hot, and passed out face-down on the couch back home.
He had his heart set on holding hands with a pretty girl and looking at Monets, and instead he's looking at the pile of drumstick gerf on his bedsheets, and the three texts the pretty girl sent him from the Art Institute wondering where he was. :(
Nick's had enough of The Process. He's sick of it. The beginning was fun; he met a few girls he really liked, and now he's had to putz through the last three weeks, and he likes them...probably a little less. The last few weeks have been dominated by Corinne/Taylor voodoo drama, 2-on-1 date tension, and getting choked out by insane cheerleaders. This season hit a low point because Nick's having to spend all his time turning people down and narrowing the field, rather than deepening his relationships with the favorites. Make no mistake, Nick Viall is mired in a crisis of the heart.
To recap, we lost six people in ONE EPISODE. The field went from 12 to six faster than Corinne chugs a Barefoot Bubbly. Rest in Pinot (Grigio) Alexis, Jaimi, Josephine, Jasmine, Whitney, and Danielle L. You will all be missed, except I don't remember who Whitney was, Josephine had an orange belly, Jaimi had a pound a half of steel in her nose, and Jasmine treated her last interaction with Nick as an opportunity to train for fighting Rhonda Rousey. Can we do that on pay per view, actually? I've got $20 I'm willing to either light on fire or spend on that match-up.
Alexis, we will miss you. Good luck pursuing your marine biology degree at Hudson Community College. Just remember, those aren't dolphins in the river, they're deranged homeless people who fell into the water after two Steel Reserves.
At the same time the also-rans are floundering (lol more fish jokes), the favorites aren't being aggressive enough and acting like they want it. They're weak mentally; they've lost their edge. They suck at volleyball. Danielle ended up in tears on the beach, as did Vanessa. They're all doubting themselves instead of focusing on talking to the guy they are thinking about getting engaged to. That's why Corinne is going to sneak into the Top 4, even though she's clearly not ready for a committed relationship with something other than champagne. She puts in the EFFORT. Guys appreciate that.
Nick is going to come out of his crying funk, but the ladies will have to decide which of them capitalizes on that, or which of them tries to funk him to bring him out of it by force. I'm looking at you, Corinne Olympios, master temptress sweet minx.
Looking back at the previous picks:
1. Vanessa. Care to explain where you've been the last two weeks after you and Nick went on a rocket ship to the Goddess-damn moon on your first date? What happened to the spark, V? You guys had a thing. Instant chemistry. He wanted to kiss the barf off your lips! Talk about shrinking from the moment.
2. Danielle L. She fell out of Nick's good graces like the meteor that killed the dinosaurs. The girl who charmed Nick at the Backstreet Boys date and grabbed his attention during the Wisconsin Weekend revealed that she didn't really have much going on outside of a good to great boob job and a good to great mole if you like moles.
3. Sarah. Maybe Nick dropped her after this photo was taken and she had to be medically discharged from the show? Here's a list of better picks than Sarah: the aforementioned Ryan Leaf, the Falcons money line / Under in the Super Bowl, Barbaro in the race that he had to be euthanized after, crystal Pepsi, Orbitz the drink, and purple Heinz EZ Squirt.
4. Corinne. This one I got right.
5. Raven. She's doing well. She's the only one who's got the smarts to stay cool and relaxed. But that may be because if we're honest, she's probably playing with house money.
So, where do we go from here? I'll tell you where! Here's how the rest of the season is going to shake down, in opposite order (#6 is eliminated first, then #5, and #1 is the eventually winner). The next few weeks are like the Rainbow Road of reality dating shows. Every contestant falls off the edge and dies, except for one.
#6 - Danielle M. That picture is the most interesting thing I've seen out of Danielle this year. She's sweet, nice, pretty?, and wholesome, but not exciting. I think she's gone next episode.
#5 - Corinne. Next week is our watershed moment. Either Nick eliminates Corinne, or she makes the final 2. There are a few things to consider here: a) Vanessa checks out if Nick keeps Corinne, and b) Nick is a student of the Bachelor Game. Vanessa's already talked to Nick about Corinne, and I'm banking on the fact that Nick really likes Vanessa. Beyond that, Nick knows how this goes. If you have sex with someone on The Bachelor before the fantasy suite, you have take them to the end, and you probably become a laughing stock for it. Exhibit A, Ben Flajnik. Exhibit B, Juan Pablo. Nick is not going to make another Clare out of Corinne, and he knows better than to make a fool out of himself again. That's why I think Nick turns Corinne down and she doesn't make Hometowns. It's the end of the line for a superb Bachelor villain.
#4. Rachel. She's great, but she's showing too many doubts. Nick really seems to like her, but I'm not sure either one of them is confident enough in what they have to commit to this. Rachel is a strong, strong candidate to be the next Bachelorette.
#3. Raven. She's been a ray of sunshine in a dreary world these last few weeks. I don't think it's enough to get her to the final two, though. Nick just likes other women more. Maybe he doesn't like southern accents. Or bird names.
#2 - Kristina. She's a historically weak finalist, on par with when Ben F brought Lindzi to the finals against Courtney Robertson, but Nick really likes her for some reason. I thought she'd be eliminated after she told the story of her childhood, but I was wrong. She's been another bright spot, along with Raven, these past few weeks. She's going to ride the fact that she hasn't done anything to hurt her prospects like everyone else has.
#1 - Vanessa. The Bachelor or Bachelorette usually picks their favorite pretty early on, and it's hard to sway that decision. Ben had Bug, Kaitlin had Shawn, and Brand had Emily Maynard. Nick has Vanessa. God knows if they'll last after the show, but Nick is smitten right here and now. They will right the spaceship again. Bet on it.
Honestly, I can see 2 - 5 going a ton of different ways, but I'm standing by #1 and #6. There's too much we don't know about this top group, because we haven't seen much from them in a while.
Until next time (Hometowns ooooh weeee), lift your chin up, keep your stick on the ice, and trust The Process.
- Bro Loves Bachelor
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