This is my first post in a long time. I think it's been about 2.5 years. My recent life's journey, much like that of a Bachelor contestant, has had its ups and downs, highs and lows, and Veuve Clicqouts and Keystone Lights. That's just the way of things. But honestly I don't drink Veuve, it's hipster trash.
Two years ago, I moved up to Fairbanks, Alaska to become a junior brewing intern at the HooDoo Brewing Company. It didn't pay much, and it was colder than Andi and Kaitlyn's combined dismissal of our fearless new Bachelor Nick, but it freed my mind enough so that I could truly immerse my newly freed mind in alcohol without any fears, cares, or responsibilities getting in the way. Also while I was up there, I invented the liquor stocking. Made a lot of money off that. Now I'm back in the Lower 48 and, like Nick, I'm back with a vengeance. So let's get to it.
This guy! Again! I think that like most of America, I hated Nick for the first 90% of his Bachelor career. He was smug, overly confident, and didn't give a shit about anyone except himself and his lady love, whoever that was at the time. He was a singularly brazen douche who was also singularly charming, the epitome of the "I'm here for (the Bachelorette) Guy." And it actually worked, twice, except for the part where he was runner up both times.
On last summer's installment of Bachelor in Paradise, Nick grew a bit of a softer side. He didn't see anyone he really wanted once Josh staked a claim in Amanda. When Josh wasn't eating Tombstone pizzas on the beach in Mexico, he was sucking Amanda's face on the beach in Mexico. Seriously, Amanda and Josh sucked more face than a dementor on Dudley Dursley. But anyway, once he couldn't have Amanda, he settled into a more casual, cheerful, and dare I say mature attitude. He actually seemed to start caring about other people, how they felt, and what they wanted. Maybe he was just pulling the wool over the producer's eyes. Either way, he won himself a shot at being the next Bachelor, and for that, we wish him good luck. It's Nick's turn.
Enough about Nick! He's a dirty third-party voter! Let's talk about the ladies! I think we've got a good crop this year. I'm going to get my top six listed and analyzed, and then give out a few "Most Likely To" awards to round us out.
1. Sarah, 26, Newport Beach, CA
For me, Sarah is the odds-on favorite. She's cute, she looks fun, she's from California, and she's a teacher. Seems like a pretty lethal combination on par with Vin Diesel/Paul Walker RIP or heroine and uncaring neighbors. As a teacher, she can work anywhere, so there won't be any drama over that. Her bio on abc.com also says she's socially Democratic and economically Republican, so she's clearly extremely intelligent. Although, when asked what kind of animal she'd be, she said, "A puppy! Or, if you're a bird, I'm a bird right? :)" That's our favorite, folks.
2. Lacey, 25, Manhattan, NY
Lacey's biggest regret is that she gives people third and fourth chances, which means she's perfect for Nick, because he needs at least four chances (and counting) to get things right. Lacey is pretty, lives in NYC, has a good job, and is educated (she speaks Arabic and did a double major). Those are all pluses, but really what puts her over the edge is that her favorite movies are Armageddon, Step Brothers, and Wedding Crashers. Armageddon is the best movie ever made. Side note, along that line, do you remember when they're all undergoing psych testing by NASA, and Max starts pretending to be Harry Caray calling a Cubs World Series win? Well, that happened now. Not only is Armageddon heart-wrenching, epic cinema, it is also prophetic. Bring on the asteroid. I'm ready.
3. Elizabeth "Liz", 29, Las Vegas, NV
Liz. Lizard. Lizaroo. We've learned from the preview show that Liz already met Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding. They not only met each other, they slept together. The next day, Nick asked her for her number, and she didn't give it to him. WTF? So, we already know Nick and Liz have some chemistry. But can they get over their history? And when it comes to light, will the other ladies turn on Liz completely and ruin her chances?
4. Kristina, 24, Lexington, KY
Kristina is cute, peppy, comes from Kentucky, has a foreign accent, and is an orphan on top of it all. What's not to like? Go orphans!
5. Jasmine B, 25, Tacoma, WA
There are a lot of eyes on Jasmine G this season because she's a Golden State Warriors cheerleader. But I say, don't sleep on Jasmine B (B for Bud Light ;))! She seems sassy, pretty, and willing to challenge Nick. She's also a flight attendant, and flight attendants have a winning history on The Bachelor. See Lauren B from Ben Higgins' season. Jasmine G also likes Steve Harvey, so we know she has good taste, just like Steve Harvey has great taste in very large suits.
6. Corinne, 24, Miami, FL
Corinne is this year's villain. She seems to be willing to do anything and everything to win. She'll get into fights with the girls, take her top off, and try to sneak into Nick's room to bang him. This is just from the preview show. Oh, and she's the type to drop the, "I run a multi-million dollar company" bomb. Fasten your seat belts, Corinne is going to play her role beautifully. The question is, is she a Courtney Robertson, or a Tierra?
At a ceremony held yesterday, the following awards were given to other contestants:
The Honorary Lace Award for mostly
likely to get wasted and jump in the pool
·
Whitney, because she is from Minnesota and likes
hockey and is also a Pilates instructor. It’s a cover. She also has a
vodka-chugging Romanian look to her.
The Honorary Olivia Award for the
mostly likely to make a great first impression and turn into a psychopath
·
Sarah, because while she is our favorite, she also admitted to loving gambling, so she may be crazy.
The Honorary Catherine Lowe Award for most
likely to win sneakily.
·
Danielle L is also a small business owner and is
pretty and fun. I would have said Christen, because she likes Katniss and seems
fun, but she is a virgin. I want to tell her to go hug a pony and shut up.
o
Most Likely to Turn into a Dolphin
·
This one goes to Astrid! To clarify, for whatever reason, at least six contestants said they would like to be dolphins in their online bios. Astrid is a plastic surgery office
manager—so she has the best access to the people who can actually do it. Alexis is
closest to the actual dolphins in Miami, but oh well. Briana loves Big Macs and she won’t give them up, and dolphins don't eat Big Macs. Lauren would
give 100% and has access to dolphins in Naples, but unfortunately you have to give 110% to
become a dolphin.
Random Bachelor Prop Bets
I'll do more of these later, but off the top of my head:
o
Will a former contestant return to the show? –
500. I think someone will definitely be back from a previous season. Maybe Britt. If we're doing a previous-rejects themed season, Britt would be perfect. She got kicked off of Chris's season before her time, and then lost out to Kaitlyn to be the Bachelorette before JoJo (thank God). Britt is obnoxious, but it would be a great story line. The other ladies would hate her more than a hummus platter without the celery and carrots.
o
Will a contestant self-eliminate? – 200. I think someone definitely will. It seems to happen every year. Lace did it recently, and it's always fulfilling to see someone realize they shouldn't reveal their alcoholism to a national TV audience, but only after they're revealed their alcoholism to a national TV audience.
o
Will Sean Lowe sit down with Nick and give him
advice before he meets the ladies? – 150. This is almost mandatory. Sean is the poster child for playing by the Bachelor rules, staying in ABC's good graces, and being mildly interesting, eloquent, and entertaining at the same time. He is the anti-Juan Pablo. There's no way they don't throw up three minutes of Sean and Nick time before the contestants get to the mansion. The real question is, how many of Sean and Nick's shirt buttons will collectively be undone during the segment? I say the over/under is 5. Do they both go three deep? That would be tremendous.
o
Will Nick be shirtless at any point during his
backstory segments? – 1500. Of course he will. You're a fool if you bet against it.
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