The Bachelor - Nubile Nick and the Doula Diaries

I like alliteration almost as much as I like shower beers. For Bachelor Bros like me, there's nothing better than rewatching the early episodes on Monday afternoon, hitting the weights down at LA Fitness (it's pecs and hamstring day), washing off with some Old Spice Foxcrest body wash, knocking back an Iron City Light, and pounding a sack of Pemmican beef jerky and a kilogram of natural JIF peanut butter before settling down on the bean bag chair for the new episode at 7pm. Some people have bikram yoga and kale smoothies. I have light beer, protein, chauvinism, and The Bachelor. Tell me America isn't great. I dare you.

By the way, awesome product placement, right? Proctor & Gamble, pay me.

On today's installment, I'll share a few thoughts on the journey so far, review my early predictions, and revise the current list of the Top 5 contestants.

That picture basically sums up the first two episodes. Nick's season is all about Corinne vs. The Rest of the Women vs. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Corinne is one part floozie, one part business woman, one part human interruption, and one part sauvignon blanc. Seriously, how many minutes of the show has she been sober? She's clearly five deep by the time she gets the first kiss, and then the next morning, she's got a full glass of chardonnay in her hand while she talks to the rest of the girls. We're not even talking about a mimosa! It's 11am, and she's got a full 175ml of 13% Cupcake chardonnay and she's boldfacedly sucking it down while talking shit. If you break it down even further, it only gets worse. ABC clearly filmed the first rose ceremony until daylight, maybe 6-7am. If we assume Corinne was drinking again at noon, that leaves 3 hours to sleep, two hours to do makeup and hair, and then I assume 30 minutes on the elliptical because hey, the vino grape is full of calories and baby fat ain't acceptable. This is all to say that Corinne is clearly going 110%, and she is not someone to fuck with.

One more thought: Corinne has to be the first contestant to ever interrupt other contestants' conversations with the Bachelor twice in one night. So, isn't Corinne a great opportunity for a Geico commercial? I can see it now: a couple on their honeymoon in Hawaii. They have a nice mahi-mahi with some Parrot Bay and a pineapple cake, and then they go back to their room to get it on. Just when the eroticism reaches its zenith, Corinne busts in the door to say to offer the couple a hot towel and some coconut mousse. When you're Corinne, you interrupt things. It's what you do.

Other than Corinne, this season is off to a fairly bland start. Nick chose Danielle M for the first one-on-one date, and while it was certainly nice, Danielle isn't exactly the most scintillating companion. She seems like she's got her head on straight, and she's full of that great Midwestern pleasantness (she's from Milwaukee, like Nick), but she also talks like a small child and seems like she's constantly rolling on half a Xanax. Nick didn't come on The Bachelor for the good old Midwestern blonde girl. He came on for something wilder. I don't expect Danielle to finish in the top 5. She's a 6-8 level contestant.

Checking in on my picks...

1. Sarah. She certainly doesn't look like the number #1 overall draft pick right now, but she didn't do anything to knock herself out of the running. So far, Sarah is what we thought she was: funny, pretty, playful, and not psyched out by the process of dating a dude on TV. These are all very good signs. I think that she did a great job on the group date. I think she would have done even better had she not gone first in the wedding photo shoot. She ended up being the ice breaker that melted the glacier. She emboldened all the other women, who started making out with Nick constantly, by being genuinely sexy and cool. Well done, Sarah: win it for the kids.

2. Lacey. Not worthy of the #2 pick. Maybe Nick doesn't like Armageddon as much I do. Or maybe they haven't watched it together yet, I don't know. They will, they'll fall in love, and I'll be vindicated. Lacey didn't do much on the group date, and doesn't seem very aggressive. I think she'll fall towards the back of the 6-8 group at this point.

3. Liz. Lizard. Doula. Dookie. Going into the last episode, my prediction was that Liz would be eliminated during the next episode after it came to light that she and Nick slept together. I figured Nick would have to give her a chance, go on a date with her, and then decide it wasn't going to work out. Turns out, that wasn't a bold enough prediction. Liz never had a chance in Hell, and she didn't deserve one. Nick gave her the glacial shoulder during the entire group date, and then Liz dug her own grave even further by concocting a breakup speech that referenced Nick "not fighting for her." I guess "not fighting for someone" means not stealing their phone and putting your number in it. Either way, Liz can go back to the biker gang that spawned her in Chico and get a chest tattoo to match the one on her back, because she's been Xed. Nick made the right choice.

4. Kristina. Meh. She's cute, but not aggressive, not terribly interesting, and can only kind talk American. I think she makes it a few episodes farther, but once she reveals her orphanhood to Nick, and we all shed a few tears, he'll realize that her story is played out. She'll cry, talk about how coming on the show opened her up to becoming vulnerable and allowed her to feel the kind of love that she's only sniffed before, and then go back to Kentucky and smash a fifth of Woodford Reserve down her gullet to drown the pain. I'm actually jealous.

5. Jasmine B. Another bad pick. You can tell from the picture that they've got more chemistry than a 10th grade science class, right? More chemistry than a Bunsen burner and a combustion reaction? More chemistry than Pierre and Marie Curie? I can keep going, but Jasmine B won't. She's done.


THE NEW TOP 5 POWER RANKINGS


1. Sarah. I'm sticking with it.

2. Vanessa. She seems like a real chick. She's eloquent, she's hot, and she's got a good attitude. She looks devious. Watch out. Plus, she definitely looks like Andi Dorfman, and we know Nick's got a thing for The Dorf.

3. Elizabeth W. I don't really have anything to say here, but I feel like I saw her making out with Nick in a waterfall in a show preview down the road. She's the honey nut cheerios of The Bachelor: sweet, easy to digest, and generic. She won't win, but she'll go far.

4. Rachel. I don't think she's going to win, but I do think she and Andi (attorney and former attorney) should host a show called Bachelor Court. It could at least be a podcast. They just sit, talk shit, and lay down judgements on each contestant's and Nick's moves during the show. Bachelor Court. Pay me.

5. Corinne. Corinne, God love ya, girl shoutout you killin' it for me but damn you're trying WAY TOO HARD. Savor that rose, because if you keep it up, you're going to go the way of the doula. Snip, snip.

 

At this point, we know that Corinne is going to try and have sex with Nick. Does that happen one episode from now, or three? We don't know. I would say 2-3, and I think that after she tries it, Nick turns her down and eliminates her. It's just too much. If you're going to do that, you better be sure. Ben F had sex with Courtney early on, and she won. Juan Pablo probably had sex with Claire early on, and she got 2nd place. When you do the deed, you make a commitment. Why would you make a commitment like that to Corinne? She's nuts.

But until that day, we're going to have a lot of fun...aren't we...

Thanks for reading, everyone. You keep reading, and I'll keep posting.

- Your Bachelor-loving Bro