DRUNK CHICKS ON THE TV 

I'm a fan of hot drunk chicks on TV as much as any other guy. I don't even like math, but I was always able to figure out some math problems. For example:

Cindy and Courtney are hosting a melon party. They have two melons each. After an hour, their friends Carrie and Candy come over to watch Vampire Diaries. If Carrie has three melons because Carrie's mom smoked during the pregnancy, and Candy only has one melon because Candies dad had a drinking problem, what is the average number of melons per girl attending the party? Also, Team Edward or Team Jacob? 

Was that confusing to you? I understood perfectly! The answers are two melons, because everything always works out okay in the end, and Team Jacob.

I blacked out. Was I doing math? Oh right, I was talking about drunk girls! They're fine, as I said. They can only handle three Milwaukee's Best Ice at once before they're tanked, so you can drink the other 27. They tend to bake better than men do, even if they put too many sprinkles on things. Plus, they're always good for passive aggressive girl fights, and those are just as good as a monster truck sandwich slathered with MMA sauce accompanied by a side of friends-with-benefits.

But ladies, if you're going to be the Drunk Chick, you have to know a few things...

1. Getting drunk doesn't make you more fun or more sexy, it makes you more drunk and more of a liability.

2. If you're going to start crying in a desperate play for attention, take it somewhere else, because we don't give a shit

3. Everyone is laughing at you.

4. Waterproof mascara is a must.

5. You better get good at apology sex. Might as well get good at that anyway. While you're at it, apologize more, even when you're not wrong.

So Victoria, take your red bikini and go back to your paralegal desk job in Miami, get tattoos of the Chinese symbol for "having fun" and "living in the moment" on your left and right ass cheeks, bang a few business major Kappa Sigs at Florida State, and talk about how no one understands you. When you're 32, you won't be hot anymore, you'll still have the same idiotic priorities, and everyone still won't understand you.

Unless you can get a venture capitalist to marry you right now. Then do that.

ROSE STATISTICS

1 on 1 Rose: Clare

1 on 1 Rose: Kat

Group Rose: Kelly

 

First, Rose Ceremony: Cassandra

Last,  Rose Ceremony: Christy

Eliminated: Victoria, Amy L, Chantel

Now, for my thoughts on the dates!

The night's first one-one-one date went to Clare, a 32-year-old hairstylist from Sacramento, California. Clare's favorite board game is Clue, which I respect, and she has two tattoos. Crazy enough, they're the Chinese symbols for "having fun" and "living in the moment," on her right and right-central ass cheeks. But I know Clare is a liar, because she says her favorite snack is fruit. Clare, you're telling me that if I waived a sack of nutter butters in front of your face, you'd reach for the blueberries? Not unless they're dehydrated and covered in chocolate. Those are delicious.

Juan Pablo likes to chill, so he blindfolds Clare and stuffs her in a limo. I watched a film with a similar plot last night, and I will give you a hint, it was porn. 

They drive to a winter wonderland in the middle of LA, and Clare is loving it. They go sledding down a mini-mountain. They have a blast and Clare admits that, “I haven’t felt this alive because of a man in a long, long, long, time.” Eight minutes in, we have our first lady who's feeling “vulnerable.” I miss the days when feeling vulnerable took a little while. That’s a Week 4 move, Clare, and you are serving up weak shit. 

After ice skating a little bit, Juan Pablo takes his shirt off and they go into the hot tub together. Instead of your typical hot tub flirtation, Clare tells Juan Pablo about how her dad died. She says, “My dad was one of the greatest, greatest…men, that there is.” 

My friend Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, would have a problem with that statement. He ensured domestic freedom for the slaves and FREEDOM FROM VAMPIRE ENSLAVEMENT FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD. What has your dad done, rescued three poodles from the shelter and make a Cup 'o Noodles by himself?

Anyway, after that inspirational parent moment, they make out! Therefore, the First Makeout of the Year award goes to CLARE! She should put that on her wall next to 1st Place, Northern California High School Spirit Squad Quarterfinalist for Christ. 

Clare could definitely maybe already be definitely falling for Juan Pablo. Once she gets the rose, they leave the hot tub and hear Josh Krajcik performing. They dance together in the snow in their bathing suits, just like every girl always dreamed she would.

While Josh Sasquatch Krajcik watches. Bachelor.

The second one-on-one date went to Kat.

Nice selfie, my lady. I too enjoy taking selfies. But instead of some mundane, contrived background, I take my selfies next to shelving units. I call them "shelfies." Remember where you were when you first heard this word. It's going to be bigger than planking.

Kat and Juan Pablo head to the airport and get on a jet. Juan Pablo comes out in a blue Fila suit with a light-up heart over his chest. They land in Salt Lake City and run down a walkway that’s all lit up with LEDs and everything. Then they just start raging in front of a ton of people. I think I saw Brooks from Des' season in the audience. He was still crying. 

At first I was thinking this was some kind of Dada Life concert. I hope they took Molly on the plane, because they're going to need it. 

I'm not talking about Kelly's dog, either. I'm talking about drugs! Although, now that I think about it, how cute would that be on that plane!

Then it actually turns out they’re going to run a 5k. I've heard of making a girl sweat on a first date, but GOSH, this is getting out of hand!!! 

In the end, Kat did pretty well with the whole thing. They didn't get to talk much after the plane flight, but Kat showed that she can hang in an up-tempo environment and hold her own. I went in to today thinking Kat was on the chopping block, but I came out thinking she'll be around for three more weeks. 

 

The group date included Chelsie, Christy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren S, Amy L, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Free Spirit. The ladies start the date by getting in the limo and having some champagne, obviously. Once they get to the photo shoot studio, a dude with a blue beard (the art director, we're told) comes out and tells them what they'll be doing: a sexy photoshoot to encourage pet adoption.

At this point, there are dogs are running around peeing and pooping on everything. Once the women put on their costumes, it's clear that some of them didn't get their first choice. Victoria gets a red bikini, and Cassandra gets a nice cocktail dress, but Kelly looks like brown goose poop. Elise and Andi have to wear cardboard signs over their nether regions, and nothing else. Elise talks to the art director about this, because she's not that kind of girl and that's not what she's about, but he doesn’t do anything, so Elise makes a despertate request of Free Spirit: "Will you trade costumes with me?"

Will Free Spirit get naked? Pleeeaaaase.

The shoots are great, especially because Kelly just looks like a ridiculous piece of brown poop. Elise may have gotten out of wearing her birthday suit, but Andi is freaking out over having to go nude. Once she talks to Juan Pablo, though, she agrees to do it if everyone else leaves the room. So Andi gets naked and poses with Juan Pablo…with Free Spirit on the other side. 

In the end, Kelly got the rose for...whatever reason. Probably for being a good sport. Again, she looks like a turd.

Doesn't she look like a turd? Dusted with marshmallow?

Before we go, a few thoughts on some of the other women:

Free Spirit: She gets naked almost immediately. She'll get naked in the confessional interviews, while walking a dog during a photo shoot, or in the garden while watering the plants. The other girls just kind of laugh at her. That’s when you know they really don’t consider her a threat. And yet, she's still around. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

Kelly: She had a couple great quotes, including, "It’s a photo shoot, but it could be eating cheese. I’m good at both so…" and, “Wear the fucking hydrant and shut the fuck up!” The second quote describes Elise complaining about having to wear the fire hydrant instead of going nude.

Finally, Dog Lover sums up Victoria best when she says, "At the end of the day, this is a man with a child.” Dog Lover always thinks of the children.

Cassandra: She gets to make out with Juan Pablo during their photo shoot, a kind of a Lady and the Tramp spaghetti kiss. On this episode, Cassandra admitted that she has a son, Trey. At the cocktail party, she pops out some photos of her son and starts looking at them and crying. She isn’t sure it’s worth it. She talks to House Mom Renee, who also has a son (Dickey Lou). Juan Pablo comes up and talks to Cassandra and convinces her to stay. 

Cassandra is a 21-year-old-former-NBA-dancer-with-a-kid-and-a-nose-job-and-a-boob-job-on-a-reality-show. This is not why we stormed Normandy.

Renee: Looked great in her photo shoot, but didn’t go for the kiss. Afterward, she goes out with Juan Pablo to the roof to look at the LA skyline. She tells JP that she has a journal, and so does her son, and they both write to each other every night. Pretty cute, Renee. It looks like they've got some chemistry, but again, she doesn't go for the kiss. Oh well, maybe next time.

I like Renee and Juan together, it seems a little more real than with the other women. But she has to seal the deal!

Nikki: Juan Pablo likes her because she’s a nurse and she takes care of kids.

Sharleen: Sharleen admits that she was rude when Juan gave her the first impression rose last week. She apologizes for that. She wasn’t sure that she’s ever been more surprised in her life. That may be the case, but check the tape, honey, you said you weren’t feeling it. Despite that, she still got sassy when she accepted her rose. Instead of accepting it graciously, she gave JP a little sarcastic, "Sure..." But it's all good, because Sharleen brought back the MIKEY T DEEP V.

For that, we are forever grateful.

Follow me on Twitter @BroLovsBachelor.