BACHELOR BABE BONANZA 
See, alliteration is accessible! Just like a tube top.

Follow me on Twitter @BroLovsBachelor and watch how the sausage gets put inside the sausage cylinder.

TO THE STATS!

First Impression Rose (FIR): Sharleen
First Rose Ceremony Rose: Clare
Last Rose Ceremony Rose: Amy L

Wow. This is going to be a good season. And there's no other way to start it off than with a quote from our favorite hobbit, Bilbo Baggins:

"I feel... thin. Sort of stretched, like... butter scraped over too much bread."

We all know what he's getting at. Let me set the scene. Imagine that Delta Upsilon Photothon is hosting a mixer with the Thetas. You're expecting the sexy ladies to roll deep, like the 2003 NBA Draft. Like an R Kelly video. But instead, the talent pool is thinner than Lara Flynn Boyle.

I feel like this is one of the few times when the phrase, "go suck on a biscuit," is viable medical advice. Anyway, it's a sad feeling. The expectations are high, but the event just doesn't deliver.

Such was not the case in tonight's Bachelor premiere. The ABC casting department finally upped their game, and why wouldn't they? Juan Pablo is a sensual dude, and he needs a smokin' hot lady. So, without further ado, I'm gonna break down the Top 5 lovely ladies in no particular order. Except the order is the most attractive at the top and the least attractive at the bottom, as it should be.

If you need to match a name to a face, check this link at any time.


1.  Andi

Andi is the whole package. Hailing from Atlanta, Georgia, she's a true Southern belle. She plays tennis and golf, just like any real woman should. I'm assuming she looks good in Vineyard Vines. And to top it off, she's an assistant district attorney. #admireanddesire. Juan Pablo likes her, too, so she's an early favorite to win.

2.  Elise

She's pretty done up here, but make no mistake, Elise is natural like Trader Joe's almond butter. Unlike the typical Bachelor contestant, she's got curves that would make your Geometry teacher proud. She's like peanut butter ice cream with extra peanut butter. This chick is decadent and I love it. The only drawback was that the dress she wore looked like a disco ball exploded and she happened to be drenched in super glue. She stole Tierra's sparkle!

3.  Christy

Christy is like Budweiser: smooth, American, uncomplicated, #winning, and best enjoyed while fishing.

4.  Lacy

Lacy's got it, and she's gonna flaunt it. She owns a nursing home, and Juan Pablo is gonna try and make her chest his nursing home. BOOM! Also, she's from La Jolla, so you know she's totally loaded. But you'd probably have to get totally loaded to tolerate a conversation with her. I suggest Bud Light Cran-brrrr-rita.

5.  Renee

And you thought I was totally shallow ... but Renee's boobs are normal-sized! She's just plain cute. Renee's like a Golden Oreo. Wholesome, sweet, multi-layered, and best with milk. Go with skim though, bruh, because you gotta keep the fat down. And besides, even though she's 32 and has a nine-year-old son, she could actually win this thing! Juan Pablo can't judge her for having a kid. That'd be like Chet Haze judging Waka Flocka Flame for being a horrible rapper. 

 I always knew Kel was destined for big things.


The Rest of the Mamasita Mansion 

It doesn't stop there. Honestly, most of the women are very pretty this year, and there aren't too many weak points. So let's take a deep dive and drill into some of the dashing damsels.

Chelsie: She's a science educator. Like Bill Nye! I'm sold. I can't be the only dude who wants to bang Bill Nye.

Nikki: She’s a nurse, and it looks like they're pushing her as a candidate to go far in the competition. It doesn't hurt that she's a dead ringer for Ali Fedotowsky. Nikki is a nurse, so she's safe and nurturing. But she's also got a scorpion tattoo on her back, so she's venomous and unpredictable. This can't possibly go wrong.

Valerie: Valerie wins this week's Katniss award for shooting a crossbow in her intro segment. You can't beat that. But you can beat TO that! 

Clare: Clare's another safe bet to make it deep into the competition. She's hot, has a heart of gold, and has one of this season's few sob stories (that we know of). The only problem is ... SHE'S THE ONE WHO PRETENDED TO BE PREGNANT!

Amy L: Smokin’ hot. Great red dress. 

Lauren S: Remind me, which one is Michelle Branch, and which one is Vanessa Carlton? I don't know, but this music composer from Detroit reminds me of both foxy ladies.

Alli: The Adidas kicks with the dress were a sexy combo. 

By the way, I obviously know the difference between Michelle Branch and Vanessa Carlton. Branch sings Everywhere, and Carlton sings Thousand Miles. Also, I have not seen Branch in concert with Third Eye Blind and the Goo Goo Dolls, but I have seen Carlton in the same situation. Best ever. 

The Comedy Club

What's that you smell, Lauren H? Defeat? I thought so. If I need you to recommend a breakfast cereal, I'll give you a call. Otherwise, try to have some self-respect. 

And my favorite breakfast cereal is Corn Chex. 

Every season needs some complete joke contestants. Overall, there weren't many this season, which is a good thing. The Bachelor had gone way over the edge with the gimmick contestants in previous seasons, and it was time to rein it in a little. I like a little more competition in my reality TV, and it looks like this season will deliver.

Kylie: In what might have been the most awkward moment in Bachelor history, Kylie came forward to accept her rose from Juan Pablo during the rose ceremony at the end. The only problem is that JuanPa had called Kat to come down, not Kylie. And then Kylie was SUMMARILY ELIMINATED. What a goof.

 

Amy J: Getting a back massage from a girl is suppose to be something men fantasize about, just like a Duck Dynasty marathon or the perfect fart. Amy J, a self-described "artist" when it comes to the human body, looked like she was performing an exorcism, or possibly baking a rustic sourdough loaf, while giving JuanPa a rub-down. We'll miss her crazy eyes and her bangs.

Lucy: Lucy's job listing says, "Free Spirit." What kind of salary do you get as a free spirit? About $420k per year? Or do they just pay you in Sutter Home? Lucy is a gypsy in every sense of the word, but JuanPa must dig it, because she advanced. 2:1 odds say it's her on the bathroom floor saying she wishes he would die in the next episode. Bet me, bro.

That'll do it! Once again, follow me on Twitter @BroLovsBachelor.

Until our next adventura, ciao!