LET YOUR SPIRIT FREE

RIP Lucy. I feel like we hardly knew you. Although, if I'm being honest, who cares?

First Rose Ceremony Rose: Andi

Last Rose Ceremony Rose: Danielle

Eliminated: Lucy, Christy

First 1 on 1 Date: Cassandra. Our favorite former NBA dancer (and our favorite single mom, am I right, America?) Cassandra joins Juan Pablo on a romantic drive through Los Angleles (in that sick ride featured above, am I right, America?) on the first one on one date. At first I'm thinking, wow, that car looks worse than a bunion on Susan Boyle's sweaty knees, but then it turns into a BOAT! And then I realize that rubbing Jergens on a bunion on Susan Boyle's sweaty knees might be the most sensual experience anyone could ever hope for.

JPabs and Cassandra take a magical car(pet) ride into the ocean. After jaunting around a bit, they board a yacht. Captain Phillips parallels, anyone? Remember, at this point, Cassandra is still trying to reconcile her desire to stay on the Bachelor and find love with her motherly desire to be with her son, Trey. She says there are so many things going on in her head…but I find that hard to believe. She's 21 years old, and when I was 21 years old, I was still trying to decide what my favorite kind of ice beer was. By the way, it's Keystone Ice. 

Cassandra was doubting everything, but she soon realizes that she came here to focus on herself a little bit. She’s done a 180...

Yeah, she went from having a kid at 19, to becoming an NBA dancer, to becoming a former NBA dancer, to becoming a former NBA dancer on America's most popular reality show (except if Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives counts). So yeah, if doing a 180 is the same as doing a 360, she did a 180. 

Anyway, Cassandra got the rose. She's hot. She'll be around for a while.

 

Second 1 on 1 Date: Chelsie. This date begins the same way as Cassandra's...in a car! JuanPa plays some Venezuelan music and Chelsie starts car dancing. I guess science educators don't get out much, because she looks really awkward, like she's trying to emulate the middle school boys she teaches. They go eat some Venezuelan food, which looks delicious. It doesn't look anything like that picture of monkey brains I linked you to! 

After dinner, they have to do some bungee jumping off a bridge in LA. Chelsie freaks out and starts crying. They back off for a second and Won tells her it’s okay. Then she FINALLY does it, and then they make out while dangling from the rope. I quit paying attention around the dinner scene, but it turns out Chelsie got the rose. But at the end of the date, Billy Currington performed, and he’s awesome.

 

Group Date: Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Christy, Lucy, and Nikki get to go on the group date. They go to the Home Depot Center, or whatever it is now, and have a soccer date! JP felt great at the home of the LA galaxy. I think he could teach Landon Donovan a few things about that...

Sorry, soccer joke. I realize I just lost 69% of you there. Hahahahahha 69.

Juan Pablo says he gave up soccer when his daughter was born. That's a shame, because he looks so cute playing it! 

The limo drives the women right out onto the field. Then it's time for a little soccer practice. Evidently Alli has been playing soccer her whole life. Kelly is terrible, but hopefully that's because she's emotionally distraught because her dog, Molly, was eviscerated by a pack of coyotes roaming the grounds of the Bachelor mansion, searching for blood. After they practice for a while, they face off, 5v5. The blue team scored first, but then Alli scored a hat trick for the red team to put them up. Juan Pablo joined the blue team and then they killed it. Nikki gets the group date rose. 

Stay tuned for more group date details in the wrap-ups for the individual women.

No Date: Kat, Kat's Boobs, Clare, Clare's sense of security, Elise, Elise's Tierra's Sparkle.

Renee: She is such a mother hen. I'm not sure if she's here to fall in love with Juan Pablo or play therapist for 15 crazy bitches. Renee scored the first goal in the soccer game, but then kinda shit the bed after that. But she redeemed herself when she became the first woman to come down without makeup on and talk to Juan Pablo while he made breakfast. Well, okay, she wasn't technically first, Dog Face Lover was, but she doesn't count.

Elise: Elise says she and her mom are like THIS. I don't trust any woman who is like THIS with her mom, because THIS could describe almost anything. It could be THIS, or it could be THIS. 

Hopefully I got you with the monkey brains again. If not, don't worry, I will.

A few years ago, all of a sudden, Elise's mom got cancer, and wrote Elise a letter that she should go on The Bachelor. She died before she got to send the letter. I might get sad if the one thing my mom did before she died was write me a letter encouraging me to go on the Bachelor, but Elise feels #blessed for this opportunity. So that’s why she’s here. That and the pinot grigio that flows like Fabio's hair.

I was delighted to see the animosity blossoming between Chelsie and Elise. Can you imagine how Elise feels now that Chelsie came back with a rose, even though she was a little chicken shit and wouldn't do the bungee jumping until she dumped a bucket of tears on the ground? We may have the beginnings of a villain with Elise. I'm not totally sure, though.

 

Kat:You'll have to trust me on this, but Kat's boobs grew a couple cup sizes between this week and last week. There is no way she could have run a 5k with those sweater puppets unguarded.

Nikki: Her biggest fear is getting hurt. My biggest fear is running out of bendy straws. Even though she got a little shiner on her forehead during the soccer game, she had a great time. She didn't kiss JP, but she still got the group date rose. I'm not really sure why. Nikki's sweet and cool enough, but I don't see a real spark there.

Andi: It kinda got serious for her today. She wants love! JP says she’s a grown woman, and Andi says she makes him giddy. They start making out in the snack bar. Once JP makes out with Sharleen, Andi gets very jealous and feels hurt. 

Back to the snack bar thing real quick. Last time I was in a snack bar, I got to be the Dippin' Dots guy at a Big Ten basketball game. I am a natural at dippin' dots, so I made about $50 in tips that night. I used that money for strippers in Canada.

Sharleen: All of the other women are starting to hate Sharleen. During the group date, Sharleen took JuanPabro out to the middle of the pitch and made out with him. Granted, it was one of the strangest kisses in reality TV history, but it was still a kiss. JP says Sharleen has class. I say she's this year's villain. She's strangely sexy, loves a good cry, but is also willing to turn that cry into a makeout sesh. Classic villain.

Clare: Looks great in pajamas. Looks great in a bathing suit. Looks great crying. 

She has a moment of crisis and has to go cry up in the bathroom with Renee. Then she comes down and tells JP about how she’s having a hard time with all this because she really likes him. “It’s not jealousy, but I wish it was me.” You're right, that's not jealousy. It's fallacy. OOOOHHHHHHH....

GUTEN NACHT, MEIN KINDERN!

Also, monkey brains. I told you I'd get ya.