1. Dog Lover: I'm tired of looking like a fool while Dog Lover continues to crush it week after week. During the first week, she got the group date rose. Second week, she got painted up like one of her poochie's life-sized dooks, yet managed to make it through. This week, she and Andi started their own variety show (Two Bitches and Molly), and did a great impression of Goblin-Clare eating octopus. So at this point, I'm all-in on Dog Lover. I can't see the future, and she can't see much of anything with that lazy eye, but I've heard Braille is hot these days, and I'm ready to finger-read my way through this world with her at my side.
2. Sharleen: It pains me to say this, but she looks like the favorite right now. However, we might have another Brooks situation on our hands. Juan Pablo is running (effortlessly, because he's conditioned like Hercules), but Sharleen is only sauntering quickly. JP continually showers her with compliments, while she calls him, "not that dull" and treats him to a miniscule two lines of operatic exposition. He needs to knock her down a few pegs or she's going to run over him like a Deere over a woodchuck. Hey Sharleen, NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND THE WORDS IN OPERA! They're just not saying anything because they don't want to look bad in front of Lord Traffordshire and the Immaculate Lady of Cuntsylvannia.
3. Andi: She hasn't had a one on one date yet, but it looks like Andi is primed for a surge next week. Her stock continues to stay high despite not receiving a rose apart from in a rose ceremony. She fell victim to JP's arcane desire to not make out with all the hot chicks he can (bro, if you've got access, you gotta cash in for those of us who can't, six-year-old daughter be damned), but they shared a moment in the back of that snack bar in Seoul. The Snack Bar of Seoul sounds like Clare's idea of a good time.
4. Renee: Next week is do-or-die for Mother Hen. Renee always seems this close to breaking through, but can't seem to make it. She's like the baby chick who can't peck it's way out of the egg shell, and then dies. Dude, dark simile, I know, but hear me out: Renee is like the seal that gets eaten by the orca on the beach (Shamu no!). She's like the freshman who keeps coming by the frat house even after spring rush is three weeks past (give that guy the Michelob Ultra and save the Heineken for me). But hey, on the other side, she's pretty, and she's got the best insight into what JP actually goes through day to day. That ain't nothing.
5. Clare: Clare is the kind of girl who would take that picture. *drops mic
6. Nikki: I was overjoyed to see the "Girl on the group date is out of her comfort zone, gets super salty, bitches in confessional the whole day, pouts while the other girls try to have fun, but then gets her one-on-one time, pouts some more, and gets the group date rose" tradition continue. Nikki is bad. Book it. Nikki and Clare are two sides of the same coin, and they're both going down in flames. Except that Clare got JP to go back on his no-kissing rule, and Nikki got to make friends with the bathtub faucet. #rightreasons
7. Cassandra: Barely featured in this episode, it seems like Cassandra can't quite hold sway with the other women. She's not outwardly catty like her looks suggest, but neither does she seem to be holding back a deeper, thoughtful side. She's a hot chick and not much else. Not everyone scores in the personality department.
8. Chelsie: Chelsie is a college freshman. She's meeting new boys, having a little too much wine, making questionable decisions, and figuring it all out in the morning via text with her friends back in Paducah, Kentucky. After a good cry, she'll be back in the game, prancing out of the limo and waving her arms skyward in anticipation of a fairy-tale date in Saigon or Hanoi. Don't expect too much, but come back five years from now and you might have someone worth sharing a 2 for $20 at Chili's with.
9. Kat: Kat's Boobs are actually ranked 4.20, but the rest is dragging her up. I don't have much to say about Kat. I think that if she likes to dance so much, she should move to Seoul permanently and become the fifth member of a K-Pop group. She could go by the name "Macy" and twerk while little Korean children throw bits of octopus into her mouth. OMG Clare's worst nightmare!
10. Alli: Alli, you're in Chicago, right? I'll see you next week after you leave the show. Look for me on Tinder using the name "Trent Rothschild."
11. Danielle: Danielle, you can talk?
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