COMBATING JUAN PABLO FEVER

Follow me on Twitter @BroLovsBachelor.

Hello friends, and welcome back to Bro Loves Bachelor. If you've read this blog before, you know what you're in for. If not, there aren't too many rules. BLB is like the long island ice tea of blogs. There's a little bit of everything, and you'll get drunk off it.

It feels great to be back. The Bachelor is a gift on par with a black Under Armour polo or a wooden six-pack carrying case with it's own bottle opener on the side.

Thanks mom. You rock. Now when I roll to one of my bro's house parties, I don't have to worry about finding a bottle opener. I already had one in my Reef sandals, but doubling up never hurts.

I start every post with a recap of how many times certain words appeared during the episode. The three standard words are love, journey, and heart (with a smattering of rose). Journey is my favorite of these words, because it feels special and reeks of deeper meaning, like when a girl knows you well enough to not wear heels because they slow her down A LOT. No one can even approach normal speed when wearing support beams on their feet. Anyway...

Tonight's count: 33 love, six journey, five heart.

Moving on, there's not too much to say about the content of the preview show. No romantic dates to analyze or choices to assess. But you're a darn fool if you think I don't have some things to say. They just won't make any sense!
 
Tips for Staying Healthy During this Bachelor Season

Diet, exercise, wash your hands, two glasses of Kendall-Jackson merlot with dinner, you know all the regular stuff. I'm here to preach about a growing threat to the United States. A threat that, if unchecked, will infect the entire population of classy American ladies. I'm talking about Juan Pablo Fever. Symptoms include purchasing the Fox Soccer Channel, asking random bros if you can feel their abs, and listening to horrible Latin pop music.

Kidding, that senorita's got pipes! Anyway, here are my tips. I'll keep it quick and dirty, like mud wrestling or a sexual encounter with Jango Fett.

1. Stay away from sporting goods stores. You're gonna want to buy a soccer ball so you can "identify" with Juan Pablo. Honey, I'd like to identify with Blake Lively, but we have nothing in common. Stick to what you know! 

2. Don't start cooking with anything crazy. You're gonna want to start incorporating limes, cilantro, Serrano peppers, and oh, I don't know, TORTOISES in your cuisine. Yeah, Wikipedia says they eat those guys in Venezuela.

I'd rather have some Olive Garden. For one, ethnic food wreaks havoc on the bowels (same effect as too many tequila shots). Second, do you want to eat soup made with Franklin the Turtle? He's still got so many kids to educate wholesomely! #SaveFranklin

3. Don't waste your time trying to learn Spanish. I'm all for throwing $69 at Rosetta Stone for some CDs, but come on! Once you realize Juan Pablo can never be yours, you're going to throw those CDs at a wall and watch them explode into a thousand pieces. Save yourself the shame and just learn how to have a Southern accent. That's a hot accent.


Spanish Phrases Every Bro Should Know

Spain is between France and Portugal. It is famous for Cinco de Mayo, the artist with the ratchet unibrow, and the pyramids of Chichen Itza. Here are some phrases every bro should know in Spainish.

1. Where is the nearest Chili's? I have a craving for skillet queso and honey chipotle chicken crispers.

¿Dónde está el Chili más cercanos? Tengo un antojo de Queso sartén y miel cajones para verduras pollo chipotle.

2. Dude, she's not into you. Let's just go home, watch Braveheart, and split a 12er of Rolling Rock.

Amigo, ella no está dentro de ti. Vamos a ir a casa, ver Braveheart, y dividir un 12er de Rolling Rock.

3. Do you think this is a rash or just Smucker's?

¿Crees que esto es una erupción o simplemente Smucker?  
  
See? Spanish!




The Best Clans

Finally, in honor of the Galavis Clan, who are just the cutest, I'm ranking the best clans of all time:

3. Wu-Tang Clan 

These guys laid down phat beats and Method Man was in that sweet movie How High. Real solid clan.

2.  Clash of the Clans

I think this is a game you can play on Facebook. I haven't played it but I'm just a fifth of Old Grandad and a motivational speech from FDR away from trying. 

1. Clan Wallace

Braveheart is one of the best movies ever made. It has an incredibly stirring soundtrack featuring bagpipes that can make even the hardest of my boys cry. William Wallace took on the Sheriff of Nottingham, Queen Elizabeth, Sherlock Holmes (Bendedict Cumperbatch and Bob Downey J both), and the entire cast of Downt'n Abbey (British version of Gossip Girl) and defeated them all. Please. Dude wins.

Cleaning Up

Thank you all for reading. Again, it's great to be back. BLB is a labor of love, and I'm Hercules if Hercules wore flannel. Follow me @BroLovsBachelor.

AND CHECK FOR A NEW COLUMN TOMORROW NIGHT AFTER THE BACHELOR!