The Villain, or the Favorite?

On today's installment, I'll examine Corinne's spot as this season's villain, review last week's predictions, and revise the current list of the Top 5 contestants.

Is Corinne a calculating villain, or a curvaceous simpleton? Is she Forrest Gump, running merely to keep from falling down, or Benedict Cumberbatch, on the cusp of cracking the Nazi code? Is that the vacant, perplexed stare of Dr. Frankenstein's assistant Igor, or the deranged brilliance of Rasputin? Corinne is as complicated as the ear of corn she so eagerly compared herself too. It's wonderful.

I think Corinne is close to throwing off the shackles of her domestic dependence. She's poised to become a fully blossomed dame who's able to dress her own spinach and spring mix blend. Her personality has more brand equity than Louis Vuitton, her wit has more pedigree than a PetCo, and her body's smokin' like Snoop Dog at Rudy's Bar-B-Q.

She was a goner. She wasn't in it for the right reasons. She was going to bouncy castle her way out of the competition...until she didn't. She survived the last rose ceremony, and I'll think she's going to survive a few more. As the women have begun attacking her, she hasn't attacked back in a way that's damaged her in Nick's eyes. She's gone toe to toe with Taylor, the mental health counselor, and taught her the new meaning of emotional intelligence. She's showed confidence, stayed collected, and kept us Corinntertained.

Plus, she runs a multi-million dollar company.

Yes, she napped through a rose ceremony, but she still got a rose. I napped through all of Rush Week and still got a bid. It's a Power Move. Corinne, we salute you. You've vaulted into the ranks of Bachelor villains who have a real shot at becoming something more: a Bug Robertson.

Checking the picks...

1. Sarah. She's doing her best Ryan Leaf impression. One more chance, Sarah. Make it count, or I'll abandon you like a long-haul trucker throwing a Big Gulp out the window during an all-nighter schlepping Campbell's Chunky Soup from Milwaukee to Jacksonville. Messy, crusty, and restless.

2. Vanessa. You know that look when you want to kiss a chick, even though she just barfed because she went for the presidente margarita at chili's, but she also went for a couple of Fireball shots, a Corona, skillet queso, and the molten chocolate cake, and then chugged vodka sodas for 4 hours during 80s Night at Holiday Club? That's how Nick looks at Vanessa. It's unfiltered giddiness.

3. Elizabeth W. Yes, at this point, Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren has as much chance at winning Nick's heart as Elizabeth W does. Looks like I didn't see this blonde person, or Lacey, for that matter, in any future show preview. You're gonna have to give me a pass on this pick. My brain is a step away from the consistency of my favorite power breakfast mixture (peanut butter, chia seeds, steel cut oats, chocolate, maple syrup, MCT oil, and liberal tears) from the concussions I got playing pee wee football. That and too much Joose.

4. Rachel. Not much to say. Not much air time. I got a lot more air time in Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4 doing a 1080 Superflirty McTwister, which sounds more like a sexy DQ blizzard than a panty-dropping half pipe move.

5. Corinne. Yes! Yes! Yes! Don't be scared, Corinne. You've come through the shit to the other side. Stay calm for one more week and you're bound for the top 5. Make your nanny proud.


THE NEW TOP 5 POWER RANKINGS

1. Vanessa. She's the clear favorite at this point. Danielle L made a great charge this past week, but the way Nick hangs on Vanessa is a cut above the rest of the competition. Vanessa isn't doing quite as much to keep Nick's attention as favorites have done in the past, but I don't think she needs to. Corinne's star will burn bright and fast, but Vanessa's will burn long and strong. Corinne is a flaming Dr. Pepper shot, and Vanessa is Four Roses. Both will get you drunk, but Four Roses won't leave you passed out on your futon with a ring of drool crust on the sheet and the stale end of a Chipotle burrito on the floor.

2. Danielle L. I'm a big fan, and she's surged to the top of the pack in the past two weeks. First, she won the group date rose on the Back Street boys date. Then, she got the first one-on-one in Nick's home town in Wisconsin. She even put up with Nick while he chatted up an ex he saw in a random bakery window. Nick. Hint. When you see an ex, keep on walking. You don't have to talk to them. Not all past transgressions can be made good. For instance, I'm still banned from the Popeyes in Ann Arbor. Gravy isn't meant to be used that way.

3. Sarah. She's amused to see her chances fly away like a Walmart birthday balloon. GET A ONE-ON-ONE ALREADY. Are you trying to make me look stupid? I'm hanging onto this pick just because I can't back out now, not because Sarah's done a thing to deserve it. She even went after Corinne this last week. Word to the wise: never go after the villain. Stay above the fray, lady.

4. Corinne. She looks skeptical of that cow in the picture, but we shouldn't be skeptical of her chances anymore. Corinne is a legit threat. Is she the top of the heap? No. She may be confident, intelligent, funny, and clever, but she's also high-strung, wild, and not entirely self-aware. Danielle L and Vanessa are much safer bets. They're interesting even without the six pineapple daiquiris and the bouncy castle. Reminds me of Spring Formal with the Thetas in '07. The rash only just healed..

5. Raven. I've seen her vagina...is what she said about the girl her boyfriend was cheating on her with back in Arkansas. Not only was Raven's date with Nick pretty cool, her backstory was insane. She clearly has some rage issues. Raven admitted to walking in on her ex with another woman and then beating her ex with a stiletto heel, her fists, and the chains her ex used to tie the other woman up with. Everyone was naked. Why did Raven need to get naked to beat someone with a shoe? Why did the other two give her the time to do it? I don't know. It's 2017 in Trump's America. Shit is going to get wild.

Next week, we'll see what Kristina does with her shot at a one-on-one, if Sarah ever manages to get a date, and if Corinne's hourglass finally runs out. I sure hope not!

Until next time, rock on, don't vom, and stay fratty.

- Bro Loves Bachelor

The Bachelor - Nubile Nick and the Doula Diaries

I like alliteration almost as much as I like shower beers. For Bachelor Bros like me, there's nothing better than rewatching the early episodes on Monday afternoon, hitting the weights down at LA Fitness (it's pecs and hamstring day), washing off with some Old Spice Foxcrest body wash, knocking back an Iron City Light, and pounding a sack of Pemmican beef jerky and a kilogram of natural JIF peanut butter before settling down on the bean bag chair for the new episode at 7pm. Some people have bikram yoga and kale smoothies. I have light beer, protein, chauvinism, and The Bachelor. Tell me America isn't great. I dare you.

By the way, awesome product placement, right? Proctor & Gamble, pay me.

On today's installment, I'll share a few thoughts on the journey so far, review my early predictions, and revise the current list of the Top 5 contestants.

That picture basically sums up the first two episodes. Nick's season is all about Corinne vs. The Rest of the Women vs. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Corinne is one part floozie, one part business woman, one part human interruption, and one part sauvignon blanc. Seriously, how many minutes of the show has she been sober? She's clearly five deep by the time she gets the first kiss, and then the next morning, she's got a full glass of chardonnay in her hand while she talks to the rest of the girls. We're not even talking about a mimosa! It's 11am, and she's got a full 175ml of 13% Cupcake chardonnay and she's boldfacedly sucking it down while talking shit. If you break it down even further, it only gets worse. ABC clearly filmed the first rose ceremony until daylight, maybe 6-7am. If we assume Corinne was drinking again at noon, that leaves 3 hours to sleep, two hours to do makeup and hair, and then I assume 30 minutes on the elliptical because hey, the vino grape is full of calories and baby fat ain't acceptable. This is all to say that Corinne is clearly going 110%, and she is not someone to fuck with.

One more thought: Corinne has to be the first contestant to ever interrupt other contestants' conversations with the Bachelor twice in one night. So, isn't Corinne a great opportunity for a Geico commercial? I can see it now: a couple on their honeymoon in Hawaii. They have a nice mahi-mahi with some Parrot Bay and a pineapple cake, and then they go back to their room to get it on. Just when the eroticism reaches its zenith, Corinne busts in the door to say to offer the couple a hot towel and some coconut mousse. When you're Corinne, you interrupt things. It's what you do.

Other than Corinne, this season is off to a fairly bland start. Nick chose Danielle M for the first one-on-one date, and while it was certainly nice, Danielle isn't exactly the most scintillating companion. She seems like she's got her head on straight, and she's full of that great Midwestern pleasantness (she's from Milwaukee, like Nick), but she also talks like a small child and seems like she's constantly rolling on half a Xanax. Nick didn't come on The Bachelor for the good old Midwestern blonde girl. He came on for something wilder. I don't expect Danielle to finish in the top 5. She's a 6-8 level contestant.

Checking in on my picks...

1. Sarah. She certainly doesn't look like the number #1 overall draft pick right now, but she didn't do anything to knock herself out of the running. So far, Sarah is what we thought she was: funny, pretty, playful, and not psyched out by the process of dating a dude on TV. These are all very good signs. I think that she did a great job on the group date. I think she would have done even better had she not gone first in the wedding photo shoot. She ended up being the ice breaker that melted the glacier. She emboldened all the other women, who started making out with Nick constantly, by being genuinely sexy and cool. Well done, Sarah: win it for the kids.

2. Lacey. Not worthy of the #2 pick. Maybe Nick doesn't like Armageddon as much I do. Or maybe they haven't watched it together yet, I don't know. They will, they'll fall in love, and I'll be vindicated. Lacey didn't do much on the group date, and doesn't seem very aggressive. I think she'll fall towards the back of the 6-8 group at this point.

3. Liz. Lizard. Doula. Dookie. Going into the last episode, my prediction was that Liz would be eliminated during the next episode after it came to light that she and Nick slept together. I figured Nick would have to give her a chance, go on a date with her, and then decide it wasn't going to work out. Turns out, that wasn't a bold enough prediction. Liz never had a chance in Hell, and she didn't deserve one. Nick gave her the glacial shoulder during the entire group date, and then Liz dug her own grave even further by concocting a breakup speech that referenced Nick "not fighting for her." I guess "not fighting for someone" means not stealing their phone and putting your number in it. Either way, Liz can go back to the biker gang that spawned her in Chico and get a chest tattoo to match the one on her back, because she's been Xed. Nick made the right choice.

4. Kristina. Meh. She's cute, but not aggressive, not terribly interesting, and can only kind talk American. I think she makes it a few episodes farther, but once she reveals her orphanhood to Nick, and we all shed a few tears, he'll realize that her story is played out. She'll cry, talk about how coming on the show opened her up to becoming vulnerable and allowed her to feel the kind of love that she's only sniffed before, and then go back to Kentucky and smash a fifth of Woodford Reserve down her gullet to drown the pain. I'm actually jealous.

5. Jasmine B. Another bad pick. You can tell from the picture that they've got more chemistry than a 10th grade science class, right? More chemistry than a Bunsen burner and a combustion reaction? More chemistry than Pierre and Marie Curie? I can keep going, but Jasmine B won't. She's done.


THE NEW TOP 5 POWER RANKINGS


1. Sarah. I'm sticking with it.

2. Vanessa. She seems like a real chick. She's eloquent, she's hot, and she's got a good attitude. She looks devious. Watch out. Plus, she definitely looks like Andi Dorfman, and we know Nick's got a thing for The Dorf.

3. Elizabeth W. I don't really have anything to say here, but I feel like I saw her making out with Nick in a waterfall in a show preview down the road. She's the honey nut cheerios of The Bachelor: sweet, easy to digest, and generic. She won't win, but she'll go far.

4. Rachel. I don't think she's going to win, but I do think she and Andi (attorney and former attorney) should host a show called Bachelor Court. It could at least be a podcast. They just sit, talk shit, and lay down judgements on each contestant's and Nick's moves during the show. Bachelor Court. Pay me.

5. Corinne. Corinne, God love ya, girl shoutout you killin' it for me but damn you're trying WAY TOO HARD. Savor that rose, because if you keep it up, you're going to go the way of the doula. Snip, snip.

 

At this point, we know that Corinne is going to try and have sex with Nick. Does that happen one episode from now, or three? We don't know. I would say 2-3, and I think that after she tries it, Nick turns her down and eliminates her. It's just too much. If you're going to do that, you better be sure. Ben F had sex with Courtney early on, and she won. Juan Pablo probably had sex with Claire early on, and she got 2nd place. When you do the deed, you make a commitment. Why would you make a commitment like that to Corinne? She's nuts.

But until that day, we're going to have a lot of fun...aren't we...

Thanks for reading, everyone. You keep reading, and I'll keep posting.

- Your Bachelor-loving Bro

Bachelor Preview - Nick Viall

This is my first post in a long time. I think it's been about 2.5 years. My recent life's journey, much like that of a Bachelor contestant, has had its ups and downs, highs and lows, and Veuve Clicqouts and Keystone Lights. That's just the way of things. But honestly I don't drink Veuve, it's hipster trash.

Two years ago, I moved up to Fairbanks, Alaska to become a junior brewing intern at the HooDoo Brewing Company. It didn't pay much, and it was colder than Andi and Kaitlyn's combined dismissal of our fearless new Bachelor Nick, but it freed my mind enough so that I could truly immerse my newly freed mind in alcohol without any fears, cares, or responsibilities getting in the way. Also while I was up there, I invented the liquor stocking. Made a lot of money off that. Now I'm back in the Lower 48 and, like Nick, I'm back with a vengeance. So let's get to it. 

This guy! Again! I think that like most of America, I hated Nick for the first 90% of his Bachelor career. He was smug, overly confident, and didn't give a shit about anyone except himself and his lady love, whoever that was at the time. He was a singularly brazen douche who was also singularly charming, the epitome of the "I'm here for (the Bachelorette) Guy." And it actually worked, twice, except for the part where he was runner up both times. 

On last summer's installment of Bachelor in Paradise, Nick grew a bit of a softer side. He didn't see anyone he really wanted once Josh staked a claim in Amanda. When Josh wasn't eating Tombstone pizzas on the beach in Mexico, he was sucking Amanda's face on the beach in Mexico. Seriously, Amanda and Josh sucked more face than a dementor on Dudley Dursley. But anyway, once he couldn't have Amanda, he settled into a more casual, cheerful, and dare I say mature attitude. He actually seemed to start caring about other people, how they felt, and what they wanted. Maybe he was just pulling the wool over the producer's eyes. Either way, he won himself a shot at being the next Bachelor, and for that, we wish him good luck. It's Nick's turn.

By the way, Nick's favorite classy Midwestern beer is Hamm's. He likes the eggyness.

Enough about Nick! He's a dirty third-party voter! Let's talk about the ladies! I think we've got a good crop this year. I'm going to get my top six listed and analyzed, and then give out a few "Most Likely To" awards to round us out.

1. Sarah, 26, Newport Beach, CA

For me, Sarah is the odds-on favorite. She's cute, she looks fun, she's from California, and she's a teacher. Seems like a pretty lethal combination on par with Vin Diesel/Paul Walker RIP or heroine and uncaring neighbors. As a teacher, she can work anywhere, so there won't be any drama over that. Her bio on abc.com also says she's socially Democratic and economically Republican, so she's clearly extremely intelligent. Although, when asked what kind of animal she'd be, she said, "A puppy! Or, if you're a bird, I'm a bird right? :)" That's our favorite, folks.

2. Lacey, 25, Manhattan, NY

Lacey's biggest regret is that she gives people third and fourth chances, which means she's perfect for Nick, because he needs at least four chances (and counting) to get things right. Lacey is pretty, lives in NYC, has a good job, and is educated (she speaks Arabic and did a double major). Those are all pluses, but really what puts her over the edge is that her favorite movies are Armageddon, Step Brothers, and Wedding Crashers. Armageddon is the best movie ever made. Side note, along that line, do you remember when they're all undergoing psych testing by NASA, and Max starts pretending to be Harry Caray calling a Cubs World Series win? Well, that happened now. Not only is Armageddon heart-wrenching, epic cinema, it is also prophetic. Bring on the asteroid. I'm ready.

3. Elizabeth "Liz", 29, Las Vegas, NV

Liz. Lizard. Lizaroo. We've learned from the preview show that Liz already met Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding. They not only met each other, they slept together. The next day, Nick asked her for her number, and she didn't give it to him. WTF? So, we already know Nick and Liz have some chemistry. But can they get over their history? And when it comes to light, will the other ladies turn on Liz completely and ruin her chances?

4. Kristina, 24, Lexington, KY

Kristina is cute, peppy, comes from Kentucky, has a foreign accent, and is an orphan on top of it all. What's not to like? Go orphans!

5. Jasmine B, 25, Tacoma, WA

There are a lot of eyes on Jasmine G this season because she's a Golden State Warriors cheerleader. But I say, don't sleep on Jasmine B (B for Bud Light ;))! She seems sassy, pretty, and willing to challenge Nick. She's also a flight attendant, and flight attendants have a winning history on The Bachelor. See Lauren B from Ben Higgins' season. Jasmine G also likes Steve Harvey, so we know she has good taste, just like Steve Harvey has great taste in very large suits.

6. Corinne, 24, Miami, FL

Corinne is this year's villain. She seems to be willing to do anything and everything to win. She'll get into fights with the girls, take her top off, and try to sneak into Nick's room to bang him. This is just from the preview show. Oh, and she's the type to drop the, "I run a multi-million dollar company" bomb. Fasten your seat belts, Corinne is going to play her role beautifully. The question is, is she a Courtney Robertson, or a Tierra?


At a ceremony held yesterday, the following awards were given to other contestants:

The Honorary Lace Award for mostly likely to get wasted and jump in the pool

·      Whitney, because she is from Minnesota and likes hockey and is also a Pilates instructor. It’s a cover. She also has a vodka-chugging Romanian look to her.

The Honorary Olivia Award for the mostly likely to make a great first impression and turn into a psychopath

·      Sarah, because while she is our favorite, she also admitted to loving gambling, so she may be crazy.

The Honorary Catherine Lowe Award for most likely to win sneakily.

·      Danielle L is also a small business owner and is pretty and fun. I would have said Christen, because she likes Katniss and seems fun, but she is a virgin. I want to tell her to go hug a pony and shut up. 

o   Most Likely to Turn into a Dolphin

·      This one goes to Astrid! To clarify, for whatever reason, at least six contestants said they would like to be dolphins in their online bios. Astrid is a plastic surgery office manager—so she has the best access to the people who can actually do it. Alexis is closest to the actual dolphins in Miami, but oh well. Briana loves Big Macs and she won’t give them up, and dolphins don't eat Big Macs. Lauren would give 100% and has access to dolphins in Naples, but unfortunately you have to give 110% to become a dolphin.

Random Bachelor Prop Bets

I'll do more of these later, but off the top of my head:

o   Will a former contestant return to the show? – 500. I think someone will definitely be back from a previous season. Maybe Britt. If we're doing a previous-rejects themed season, Britt would be perfect. She got kicked off of Chris's season before her time, and then lost out to Kaitlyn to be the Bachelorette before JoJo (thank God). Britt is obnoxious, but it would be a great story line. The other ladies would hate her more than a hummus platter without the celery and carrots.  

o   Will a contestant self-eliminate? – 200. I think someone definitely will. It seems to happen every year. Lace did it recently, and it's always fulfilling to see someone realize they shouldn't reveal their alcoholism to a national TV audience, but only after they're revealed their alcoholism to a national TV audience.

o   Will Sean Lowe sit down with Nick and give him advice before he meets the ladies? – 150. This is almost mandatory. Sean is the poster child for playing by the Bachelor rules, staying in ABC's good graces, and being mildly interesting, eloquent, and entertaining at the same time. He is the anti-Juan Pablo. There's no way they don't throw up three minutes of Sean and Nick time before the contestants get to the mansion. The real question is, how many of Sean and Nick's shirt buttons will collectively be undone during the segment? I say the over/under is 5. Do they both go three deep? That would be tremendous.

o   Will Nick be shirtless at any point during his backstory segments? – 1500. Of course he will. You're a fool if you bet against it.