On this Memorial Day, America will turn their eyes to Andi
Dorfman, the star of the 10th season of the greatest show on
television, The Bachelorette. But before we get to Andi, let’s remember a few
of the Bachelorettes who have come before her. Because as my grandpa always
said, “If you don’t remember where you came from, make sure you come up with
something good. Like Tupelo, Mississippi, or Ulan Bator, Mongolia. Chicks love
that shit.”
Thanks, Pap Pap. My current Facebook profile says I was born
in Wollongong, New South Whales, Australia. Ask me about wombats; I could go
for days on those furry little dudes. And then we’ll make out.
Ali Fedotowsky
After self-eliminating from Jake’s season (smart move), Ali
took on the role of Bachelorette. I don’t remember much from this season
besides thinking Ali had great hair. She picked Roberto, and they dated for a
couple years, but ultimately it didn’t last. RIP.
Ashley Hebert
It’s actually Ashley Rosenbaum now, since she and J.P. tied
the knot a few years ago. He’s a great follow on twitter, actually,
@JP_Rosenbaum. Ashley is probably still going through dental school, but she
made some time to find love. Ashley’s season gave us possibly the best 10
minutes of reality television ever when Ben Flajnik professed his love for her and was summarily eliminated. Watch that link. It’s so good.
Emily Maynard
She had about as much brains as quart of motor oil and toted
her young daughter around like a Tory Burch clutch. I have no time for her.
Desiree Hartsock
I had a huge crush on Des after Sean’s season of the
Bachelor. She was tall, brunette, and looked great in a cocktail dress. Des had
it all. We remember her mostly because of her crazy brother, hippie parents,
and crushing sob session when Brooks took himself out of the running for her
heart. But hey, Chris wasn’t such a bad consolation prize.
And now, to Andi!
Job: Assistant
District Attorney
Andi likes fighting crime and working in the street. I like
those things too, but if you replace fighting crime with sitting in a lawn
chair extremely casually and working in the street with making different shapes
using bottle caps from the empty Boston Lagers I’m housing.
Hails From:
Atlanta, Georgia
Hotlanta is the home of CNN, Coca Cola, Time Warner, and the
Chili’s in B Terminal of the Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. When I
think of all the skillet queso I’ve eaten there, I get that butterflies in your
stomach feeling. But the boner kind.
Family: Alive
Her parents have been married for 30 years. I haven’t been
alive for 30 years, but I hope to one day achieve that advanced age. I assume
that at that time, I will learn many secrets, such as the meaning of life, and
the reason airline peanuts are so hard to open.
Andi’s dad says the Bachelorette will be easier for him this
time; this isn’t Juan Pablo. He wants Andi to be sure of which guy it’s going
to be when she comes and introduces the guys to them. Her dad looks like he
appreciates freedom and I would like to have a beer with him and talk about how
much we like Kingsford Match Light Kingsford. That stuff is the best. After
that, we can debate which of our favorite characteristics is most import:
honor, courage, ability to slow-cook meats, or knowing which type of boat shoes
to wear to a given social function.
Her sister is also very pretty, and if she is not occupied
with a current lover, I know someone who has two thumbs pointing at himself who
would appreciate an interview for that job. My other fingers are clenched
together into a kind of fist, as is typical with that gesture.
Likes: Yellow
sundresses, denim jackets, sequins, bookshelves, journeys, and rainbow
mini-marshmallows. Bird Flu finds Andi’s smile infectious.
Dislikes:
Foreigner football (soccer), opera singers (Sharleen excluded), Francophiles,
osteoporosis, and those who threaten the sanctity of America’s borders.
One more thing before we conclude. I’ve always thought about
how my Bachelor introduction would go, and I think I finally figured out what
I’d do. So here goes:
I would confidently stride out onto the flagstone Bachelormansion patio in a black suit and solid purple tie (Go ‘Cats). I would bring a
six-pack of miller high life, but one beer would be strangely missing. She asks
me what happened to the last beer? I say the following:
“Each beer in this sixer of refreshing beverages represents
a different pillar of my life. One is family—the people
in my life who I love the most and love me in the same way.”
At this point I proceed to shotgun the beer.
“The second beer is for friends—the bros who
stick by you even when you give a 3/10 your phone number. Three is
fraternity. Four is freedom, and five is America.”
At this point I’ve shotgunned five beers.
Then, I tell her that one beer is still missing. The beer
that represents my wife. After a prolonged “aaaawwweeeeee…,” I pull out a beer
that’s been taped to the inside of my leg the whole time, and ask if she would
do me the honor of shotgunning it to symbolize the start of our journey. She
agrees, and after I teach her the proper method of opening the hole at the
bottom using a key, your thumb, and slight pressure applied in a circular
motion, she takes the sweet suds to the face.
When she’s done, she has a little foam in the corner of her
mouth. I lean in and say, “You’ve still got a little left to finish.” She says,
“Why don’t you take care of that for me?”
Pretty much at that point I’ve already won.
Stay tuned for the Episode 2 recap tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @BroLovsBachelor.
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