Acoustic Guitar Apologies

I shoulda been a cowboy. Just like my friend Craig here.

Now, if that picture doesn't immediately demonstrate it, Craig is not much of a cowboy at all. For one, cowboys are soft spoken. Craig is like a scene out of the Gilmore Girls, but louder and possibly more obnoxious.

Two, Craig holds his liquor like a Tri Delt holds a martini glass after four pomegranate cosmos to the face. Watch out if you're wearing your Reefs, bro, you may have some bloody footsies pretty soon.

Finally, cowboys can always play guitar. They are made for sitting around blazing camp fires, eating cans of baked beans with rusty spoons, chugging gallons of moonshine out of a cowhide boot, and playing a delicious acoustic set of Dave Matthews Band classics. I know Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger made sweet love to that song. You can't not make sweet love to Crash Into Me.

Craig can do none of these things. Craig is no cowboy. Thus, Andi eliminated him along with Carl and Nick S last night.

Andi took Eric on her first one-on-one date. The night is bittersweet for viewers because of Eric's untimely passing, and the fact that he and Andi seemed to have a fervently wholesome time together.

To start, they go to the beach and build a sandcastle. As a child, I loved to build sandcastles on the Jersey Shore. Today, I think if I could build a sandcastle, I'd make a replica of Helm's Deep. That's one sweet schloss. 

Speaking of Helm's Deep, my boys and I came up with a sick drinking game senior year. We called it, "Fellowship of the Ring Drinking Game." You had to drink every time Frodo and the gang said things like Shire, Baggins, ring, or made a reference to the Hobbit. Drink every time you hear Concerning Hobbits. Drink twice every time you hear the Nazgul scream. Finish your beer when Boromor dies. RIP, you brave man of the West.

Honestly, you will probably make it through about 40 minutes of this game before you have to gurf. But that only makes room to keep playing!

Anyway, after a sweet buttgrab from Eric, a helicopter picks up the lucky couple on the beach! A scene ensues that has more dynamic helicopter shots than I had beanie babies in elementary school. But alas, no makeout. Eric, you couldn't get one smooch in real quick? Weak shit, bro.

They go to the top of a snowy mountain. They have a snowball fight and then do some snowboarding with Dolf, the snowboard guy. Andi is pretty bad at first, but she gets it done later with some help from Dolf. Later, they do some sledding together and it’s very romantic. Andi thinks it’s “epic.” Like when I ate 50 chicken nuggets and a smile fries from McDonald's in under 16 minutes. True story.

Is there anything Eric isn’t good at? They have dinner in a beautiful mountain cabin. Andi describes Eric as a man with, “piercing blue eyes.” He's a “Renaissance man.”

Then, Eric gets into some heavy stuff. Eric’s dad hitchhiked across the United States for his Master’s thesis. They used to call that being homeless, but now you can get a degree out of it. Eric talks about his time as a journalist in Syria. He crossed the border illegally and was in a city that got shelled and destroyed while he was there. Militants with grenades and assault rifles came to his room, and his “Fixer” went pale. The militants thought he and the other journalist he was with were spies. He wrote a text to his parents saying goodbye. But in the end, the militants took pity on him and decided to tell him sternly to go back to Turkey. Thus, he had the opportunity to be a Bachelorette contestant. Killer.

Well done, Eric. You're kinda pretentious, but a good guy none the less.

The group date was even more romantic than Eric's one-on-one! If you consider a dude stripper joint more romantic than snowboarding and candlelight dinners. Brian, Marquel, Bradley, Greg, Cody, Brette, Tasos, Josh, Ron, Marcus, Nick S, and Dylan got the right to shake what their mother provided them with on the group date. “Let’s bare our souls…”

The guys get some training and have to perform for a live audience. There are three groups: firemen, cowboys, and soldiers, plus a robot and an airplane pilot. Nick is the robot, and Marcus gets to be the airplane pilot.

Sharleen, Dog Lover, and Chris Harrison all attend this date. Chris even slapped one of the guy’s asses. Dog Lover looks like she’s having a phenomenal time. Marcus does really well as the pilot. He throws Andi his pilot hat, strips down, and shakes his ass. Andi digs it, and all the money the guys get from tips go to charity.

 

But mostly, I was just happy to see Dog Lover. Look at that Dog Lover/possible alien spawn!

Chris gets the next one-on-one date. Andi looks great in her ‘40s glam, a green dress with red lipstick and diamond earrings. 

Chris is a farmer from Iowa, which means he grows corn to feed hogs. Which, if you consider the growing American bacon craze, is a very good thing. Chris embodies the true farm boy spirit: he loves God and his family, appreciates the value of hard work, and listens to International Harvester every morning while eating a dozen scrambled eggs, half a gallon of fresh cream, and a score of loaves of white bread. 

I'm not sure why FarmersOnly chose these guys to their spokespeople when they could have had Chris. But then again, city folks just don't get it.

So, Chris and Andi go to the Santa Anita racetrack in California. She’s got him on her arm the whole time; it’s very romantic. They have mint juleps (made with Old Grandad, I'm sure). There’s an old couple next to them who have been together for 55 years. They ask how long Chris and Andi have been together, and it's a touching moment. Too bad Chris and Andi have only been together for approximately 69 minutes. Hehehehehehe.

At night, they have a nice dinner date at the racetrack club. Andi asks why Chris hasn’t found a soul mate. Chris says he dated someone in college and they got engaged at one point. But they grew and changed and it didn’t work out. It wasn’t there in the end. When he proposed to this girl, it was in his head more than in his heart. Chris and Andi get serenaded on the race track, and Andi kisses him. Farmer Chris gets the first kiss of the show!

The Rest of the Bros (or like, four of them):

Do I lose my man card for posting that pic?

Dylan: Evidently it's a theme that every season has to have an opera singer. Dylan got his chance to serenade Andi by the fire with a nice aria.

Game of Thrones humor. Lol.

 

Marcus: Andi says he is an introvert, but Andi says she notices him. That's because he looks exactly like Ryan Gosling.

Hey girl.

Marcus tells Andi that he gives everything in a relationship. If everything is most of the beer money and Settlers of Catan-playing ability, I give everything in a relationship also. Andi gives him the group date rose, because he assumed his role as an airplane pilot with confidence and humility. Reminds me of Kareem Abdhul Jabbar in Airplane. Kidding, I haven't seen any movies made before 1994.

Marcus is well spoken and quiet, not too far up or down. He’s a main player.

Nick V: Made a classy move and brought some champagne and strawberries to his personal time with Andi at the cocktail party. Andi appreciates it. He asks, “What haven’t you found in a guy?" She says it’s the personal connection, the unconditional love. Nick says the same is true of him, but with a sleek pair of legs and the skill to pull off a beef wellington. He’s very erudite.

Josh M: He and Andi have some great flirtation during their 1 on 1 time. He stumbles over his words and laughs a lot. He’s got some butterflies. He wants to get to know her more. They start making out. Just like any real love story!

He’s the second guy to get a makeout session. And when they kissed, he says it just felt natural. Let's hope he still feels that way after Nick V, Marcus, Brette, Chris, Tasos, Marquel, Rob, Bradley, Patrick, Chris Harrison, Bigfoot, and the guys from Chumba Wumba lock lips with Andi.

Overall, I like where this season is going. There seem to be some real feelings developing, and Andi isn't some brainless mope like Emily Maynard or even Des, as much as it kills me to say it.

Bullseye, ABC. You #nailedit

Follow me @BroLovsBachelor. Piece. 

An Order of the Heart

On this Memorial Day, America will turn their eyes to Andi Dorfman, the star of the 10^th season of the greatest show on television, The Bachelorette. But before we get to Andi, let’s remember a few of the Bachelorettes who have come before her. Because as my grandpa always said, “If you don’t remember where you came from, make sure you come up with something good. Like Tupelo, Mississippi, or Ulan Bator, Mongolia. Chicks love that shit.”

Thanks, Pap Pap. My current Facebook profile says I was born in Wollongong, New South Whales, Australia. Ask me about wombats; I could go for days on those furry little dudes. And then we’ll make out.

Ali Fedotowsky

After self-eliminating from Jake’s season (smart move), Ali took on the role of Bachelorette. I don’t remember much from this season besides thinking Ali had great hair. She picked Roberto, and they dated for a couple years, but ultimately it didn’t last. RIP.

Ashley Hebert

It’s actually Ashley Rosenbaum now, since she and J.P. tied the knot a few years ago. He’s a great follow on twitter, actually, @JP_Rosenbaum. Ashley is probably still going through dental school, but she made some time to find love. Ashley’s season gave us possibly the best 10 minutes of reality television ever when Ben Flajnik professed his love for her and was summarily eliminated. Watch that link. It’s so good.

Emily Maynard

She had about as much brains as quart of motor oil and toted her young daughter around like a Tory Burch clutch. I have no time for her.

Desiree Hartsock

I had a huge crush on Des after Sean’s season of the Bachelor. She was tall, brunette, and looked great in a cocktail dress. Des had it all. We remember her mostly because of her crazy brother, hippie parents, and crushing sob session when Brooks took himself out of the running for her heart. But hey, Chris wasn’t such a bad consolation prize.

And now, to Andi!

Job: Assistant District Attorney

Andi likes fighting crime and working in the street. I like those things too, but if you replace fighting crime with sitting in a lawn chair extremely casually and working in the street with making different shapes using bottle caps from the empty Boston Lagers I’m housing.

Hails From: Atlanta, Georgia

Hotlanta is the home of CNN, Coca Cola, Time Warner, and the Chili’s in B Terminal of the Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. When I think of all the skillet queso I’ve eaten there, I get that butterflies in your stomach feeling. But the boner kind.

 

Family: Alive

Her parents have been married for 30 years. I haven’t been alive for 30 years, but I hope to one day achieve that advanced age. I assume that at that time, I will learn many secrets, such as the meaning of life, and the reason airline peanuts are so hard to open.

Andi’s dad says the Bachelorette will be easier for him this time; this isn’t Juan Pablo. He wants Andi to be sure of which guy it’s going to be when she comes and introduces the guys to them. Her dad looks like he appreciates freedom and I would like to have a beer with him and talk about how much we like Kingsford Match Light Kingsford. That stuff is the best. After that, we can debate which of our favorite characteristics is most import: honor, courage, ability to slow-cook meats, or knowing which type of boat shoes to wear to a given social function.

Her sister is also very pretty, and if she is not occupied with a current lover, I know someone who has two thumbs pointing at himself who would appreciate an interview for that job. My other fingers are clenched together into a kind of fist, as is typical with that gesture.

Likes: Yellow sundresses, denim jackets, sequins, bookshelves, journeys, and rainbow mini-marshmallows. Bird Flu finds Andi’s smile infectious.

Dislikes: Foreigner football (soccer), opera singers (Sharleen excluded), Francophiles, osteoporosis, and those who threaten the sanctity of America’s borders.

  

One more thing before we conclude. I’ve always thought about how my Bachelor introduction would go, and I think I finally figured out what I’d do. So here goes:

I would confidently stride out onto the flagstone Bachelormansion patio in a black suit and solid purple tie (Go ‘Cats). I would bring a six-pack of miller high life, but one beer would be strangely missing. She asks me what happened to the last beer? I say the following:

“Each beer in this sixer of refreshing beverages represents a different pillar of my life. One is family—the people in my life who I love the most and love me in the same way.”

At this point I proceed to shotgun the beer.

“The second beer is for friends—the bros who stick by you even when you give a 3/10 your phone number. Three is fraternity. Four is freedom, and five is America.”

At this point I’ve shotgunned five beers.

Then, I tell her that one beer is still missing. The beer that represents my wife. After a prolonged “aaaawwweeeeee…,” I pull out a beer that’s been taped to the inside of my leg the whole time, and ask if she would do me the honor of shotgunning it to symbolize the start of our journey. She agrees, and after I teach her the proper method of opening the hole at the bottom using a key, your thumb, and slight pressure applied in a circular motion, she takes the sweet suds to the face.

When she’s done, she has a little foam in the corner of her mouth. I lean in and say, “You’ve still got a little left to finish.” She says, “Why don’t you take care of that for me?”

Pretty much at that point I’ve already won.

Stay tuned for the Episode 2 recap tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @BroLovsBachelor.