POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 5

Ripples were felt by the entire Bachelor Internet community last week, as JPabs dashed our favorite Dog Lover's hopes. Juan reenacted the gut-wrenching scene from Air Bud, only Air Bud was Kelly (a human (sort of)), and Juan was the little blonde boy feeding her pudding. They both ended up in tears, for all the right reasons.

Warning: Don't watch that link if you don't want to cry. I fast forwarded to about two minutes in, and it is just heartbreaking. This was probably the first cinematic moment that made your favorite frat daddy shed a few. Not even allergy tears, like Clare had at the end of the the rose ceremony. Real tears fortified with sorrow and a 40oz Robitussin. 

But life goes on. Let's get to the rankings.
 

 
1. Andi: She continues to make progress without getting a one on one date. How she's gonna be the last girl to get one, I have no idea. She would have been my first choice. Kat got a one on one, for allergy crying out loud! It doesn't matter. Sharleen's looking self-elimination square in the face, and Andi is poised to make a Catherine-like move in Week 6. We've seen it happen before, and it may just happen again. 

However, I'm stilling not getting a winning vibe off Andi. JP seems to gravitate towards needy women (like just about every Bachelor before him) and Andi is not the needy type. She's too much of a rock. Which is why I'm calling it now and saying she's the next Bachelorette.  

2. Nikki: JPabs loves Nikki the nurse. In Week 5, Nikki descended into Hell. But on the way...she found her angel. Can someone pass the chloroform? Nikki went from pissy 12-year-old in Week 4 to reformed nice girl in Week 5. She pulled a classic "conquering your fear" move when she somehow made it to the bottom of the cave without having a complete mental breakdown. I bet she farted on JP on the way down though. Talk about a power move.

3. Renee: Mother Hen came home to roost in Week 5. Everyone, and I mean everyone, loves Renee. She is killing it. When JP kept feeding her some bullshit about how he wouldn't kiss her because of her son, Ben, Renee basically said "fuck that kid" and told him to put up or shut up. And he put up, all right. How as THAT for a first kiss? I mean, how fair is it that JP #aquablasts Clare, but then won't even kiss Renee? Her reaction to finally getting that kiss was probably the most genuine moment of the season. DON'T TELL ME YOU DIDN'T SMILE AFTER THAT. #TeamRenee #TeamRenee #TeamRenee

Unfortunately, I think she's got third place locked down. If this were real life, she'd win no problem. She and Juan are on the same wavelength: they understand each other and they want the same things. The problem is, this is too short a window to make it happen. Renee is a milk snake in a house of vipers. The other girls are like flamethrowers, and she's a Zippo lighter. It makes me sad. Renee, America is with you.

4. Clare: Repeat after me: There is only one Courtney Robertson. Who do you think you are, Clare? What game are you playing at? You're a child. Camila looks at you and won't trade her dunkaroos even though you're offering a lifetime supply of pushpops. You think you can just go get JP to go on a little midnight swim, and there won't be consequences? 

I say they did NOT have sex in the ocean. The waves were too rough. Also, after what Courtney and Ben did, even if Juan Pablo and Clare did nothing, we will all still assume they did. They're aware of that, and the editors at ABC can make it look however they want. It's bad either way.

5. Sharleen: This panda bear is on the prowl. Or not. I ranked her #2 behind her Dog Lover last week, but that looks incredibly premature at this point. Sharleen isn't up for competing against women like Clare, Andi, and Nikki. She's gone next week. Which leaves a spot open for one of the gypsies at the bottom of the bracket.

6. Cassandra: Yup, that's Detroit Piston's baller Rodney Stuckey! I just think that's great. NBA player or Bachelor, Cassandra's a jersey-chaser either way. I'm not sure there's anything going on in her head besides Cover Girl commercials and Chobani magazine spreads, and I don't think we'll have to deal with her much longer. However, if the show only eliminates two people next week, and one spot goes to Sharleen's self-exit, and the other goes to the loser of a two-on-one date, Cassandra could sneak through to Week 7.

7. Chelsie: The Thetas are hosting a new philanthropy event this weekend. They will be selling hugs for $1, kisses for $2, and dime bags for $9. All proceeds go to buying Kelly a new dog (Molly ran away and started her basketball career).

 
8. Kat: Wait, I thought Cassandra was the former NBA dancer! Also, why are her boobs covered in this photo? Show a little cleave, lady! You seem willing enough to do it on TV? Kat's just jealous she didn't think of Clare's #aquablast move first. 

Kat goes home in a two on one with Chelsie.

 

POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 4

1. Dog Lover: I'm tired of looking like a fool while Dog Lover continues to crush it week after week. During the first week, she got the group date rose. Second week, she got painted up like one of her poochie's life-sized dooks, yet managed to make it through. This week, she and Andi started their own variety show (Two Bitches and Molly), and did a great impression of Goblin-Clare eating octopus. So at this point, I'm all-in on Dog Lover. I can't see the future, and she can't see much of anything with that lazy eye, but I've heard Braille is hot these days, and I'm ready to finger-read my way through this world with her at my side.

2. Sharleen: It pains me to say this, but she looks like the favorite right now. However, we might have another Brooks situation on our hands. Juan Pablo is running (effortlessly, because he's conditioned like Hercules), but Sharleen is only sauntering quickly. JP continually showers her with compliments, while she calls him, "not that dull" and treats him to a miniscule two lines of operatic exposition. He needs to knock her down a few pegs or she's going to run over him like a Deere over a woodchuck. Hey Sharleen, NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND THE WORDS IN OPERA! They're just not saying anything because they don't want to look bad in front of Lord Traffordshire and the Immaculate Lady of Cuntsylvannia.

3. Andi: She hasn't had a one on one date yet, but it looks like Andi is primed for a surge next week. Her stock continues to stay high despite not receiving a rose apart from in a rose ceremony. She fell victim to JP's arcane desire to not make out with all the hot chicks he can (bro, if you've got access, you gotta cash in for those of us who can't, six-year-old daughter be damned), but they shared a moment in the back of that snack bar in Seoul. The Snack Bar of Seoul sounds like Clare's idea of a good time.

4. Renee: Next week is do-or-die for Mother Hen. Renee always seems this close to breaking through, but can't seem to make it. She's like the baby chick who can't peck it's way out of the egg shell, and then dies. Dude, dark simile, I know, but hear me out: Renee is like the seal that gets eaten by the orca on the beach (Shamu no!). She's like the freshman who keeps coming by the frat house even after spring rush is three weeks past (give that guy the Michelob Ultra and save the Heineken for me). But hey, on the other side, she's pretty, and she's got the best insight into what JP actually goes through day to day. That ain't nothing.

5. Clare: Clare is the kind of girl who would take that picture. *drops mic

6. Nikki: I was overjoyed to see the "Girl on the group date is out of her comfort zone, gets super salty, bitches in confessional the whole day, pouts while the other girls try to have fun, but then gets her one-on-one time, pouts some more, and gets the group date rose" tradition continue. Nikki is bad. Book it. Nikki and Clare are two sides of the same coin, and they're both going down in flames. Except that Clare got JP to go back on his no-kissing rule, and Nikki got to make friends with the bathtub faucet. #rightreasons

7. Cassandra: Barely featured in this episode, it seems like Cassandra can't quite hold sway with the other women. She's not outwardly catty like her looks suggest, but neither does she seem to be holding back a deeper, thoughtful side. She's a hot chick and not much else. Not everyone scores in the personality department.

8. Chelsie: Chelsie is a college freshman. She's meeting new boys, having a little too much wine, making questionable decisions, and figuring it all out in the morning via text with her friends back in Paducah, Kentucky. After a good cry, she'll be back in the game, prancing out of the limo and waving her arms skyward in anticipation of a fairy-tale date in Saigon or Hanoi. Don't expect too much, but come back five years from now and you might have someone worth sharing a 2 for $20 at Chili's with.

9. Kat: Kat's Boobs are actually ranked 4.20, but the rest is dragging her up. I don't have much to say about Kat. I think that if she likes to dance so much, she should move to Seoul permanently and become the fifth member of a K-Pop group. She could go by the name "Macy" and twerk while little Korean children throw bits of octopus into her mouth. OMG Clare's worst nightmare!

10. Alli: Alli, you're in Chicago, right? I'll see you next week after you leave the show. Look for me on Tinder using the name "Trent Rothschild."

11. Danielle: Danielle, you can talk?

LET YOUR SPIRIT FREE

RIP Lucy. I feel like we hardly knew you. Although, if I'm being honest, who cares?

First Rose Ceremony Rose: Andi

Last Rose Ceremony Rose: Danielle

Eliminated: Lucy, Christy

First 1 on 1 Date: Cassandra. Our favorite former NBA dancer (and our favorite single mom, am I right, America?) Cassandra joins Juan Pablo on a romantic drive through Los Angleles (in that sick ride featured above, am I right, America?) on the first one on one date. At first I'm thinking, wow, that car looks worse than a bunion on Susan Boyle's sweaty knees, but then it turns into a BOAT! And then I realize that rubbing Jergens on a bunion on Susan Boyle's sweaty knees might be the most sensual experience anyone could ever hope for.

JPabs and Cassandra take a magical car(pet) ride into the ocean. After jaunting around a bit, they board a yacht. Captain Phillips parallels, anyone? Remember, at this point, Cassandra is still trying to reconcile her desire to stay on the Bachelor and find love with her motherly desire to be with her son, Trey. She says there are so many things going on in her head…but I find that hard to believe. She's 21 years old, and when I was 21 years old, I was still trying to decide what my favorite kind of ice beer was. By the way, it's Keystone Ice. 

Cassandra was doubting everything, but she soon realizes that she came here to focus on herself a little bit. She’s done a 180...

Yeah, she went from having a kid at 19, to becoming an NBA dancer, to becoming a former NBA dancer, to becoming a former NBA dancer on America's most popular reality show (except if Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives counts). So yeah, if doing a 180 is the same as doing a 360, she did a 180. 

Anyway, Cassandra got the rose. She's hot. She'll be around for a while.

 

Second 1 on 1 Date: Chelsie. This date begins the same way as Cassandra's...in a car! JuanPa plays some Venezuelan music and Chelsie starts car dancing. I guess science educators don't get out much, because she looks really awkward, like she's trying to emulate the middle school boys she teaches. They go eat some Venezuelan food, which looks delicious. It doesn't look anything like that picture of monkey brains I linked you to! 

After dinner, they have to do some bungee jumping off a bridge in LA. Chelsie freaks out and starts crying. They back off for a second and Won tells her it’s okay. Then she FINALLY does it, and then they make out while dangling from the rope. I quit paying attention around the dinner scene, but it turns out Chelsie got the rose. But at the end of the date, Billy Currington performed, and he’s awesome.

 

Group Date: Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Christy, Lucy, and Nikki get to go on the group date. They go to the Home Depot Center, or whatever it is now, and have a soccer date! JP felt great at the home of the LA galaxy. I think he could teach Landon Donovan a few things about that...

Sorry, soccer joke. I realize I just lost 69% of you there. Hahahahahha 69.

Juan Pablo says he gave up soccer when his daughter was born. That's a shame, because he looks so cute playing it! 

The limo drives the women right out onto the field. Then it's time for a little soccer practice. Evidently Alli has been playing soccer her whole life. Kelly is terrible, but hopefully that's because she's emotionally distraught because her dog, Molly, was eviscerated by a pack of coyotes roaming the grounds of the Bachelor mansion, searching for blood. After they practice for a while, they face off, 5v5. The blue team scored first, but then Alli scored a hat trick for the red team to put them up. Juan Pablo joined the blue team and then they killed it. Nikki gets the group date rose. 

Stay tuned for more group date details in the wrap-ups for the individual women.

No Date: Kat, Kat's Boobs, Clare, Clare's sense of security, Elise, Elise's Tierra's Sparkle.

Renee: She is such a mother hen. I'm not sure if she's here to fall in love with Juan Pablo or play therapist for 15 crazy bitches. Renee scored the first goal in the soccer game, but then kinda shit the bed after that. But she redeemed herself when she became the first woman to come down without makeup on and talk to Juan Pablo while he made breakfast. Well, okay, she wasn't technically first, Dog Face Lover was, but she doesn't count.

Elise: Elise says she and her mom are like THIS. I don't trust any woman who is like THIS with her mom, because THIS could describe almost anything. It could be THIS, or it could be THIS. 

Hopefully I got you with the monkey brains again. If not, don't worry, I will.

A few years ago, all of a sudden, Elise's mom got cancer, and wrote Elise a letter that she should go on The Bachelor. She died before she got to send the letter. I might get sad if the one thing my mom did before she died was write me a letter encouraging me to go on the Bachelor, but Elise feels #blessed for this opportunity. So that’s why she’s here. That and the pinot grigio that flows like Fabio's hair.

I was delighted to see the animosity blossoming between Chelsie and Elise. Can you imagine how Elise feels now that Chelsie came back with a rose, even though she was a little chicken shit and wouldn't do the bungee jumping until she dumped a bucket of tears on the ground? We may have the beginnings of a villain with Elise. I'm not totally sure, though.

 

Kat:You'll have to trust me on this, but Kat's boobs grew a couple cup sizes between this week and last week. There is no way she could have run a 5k with those sweater puppets unguarded.

Nikki: Her biggest fear is getting hurt. My biggest fear is running out of bendy straws. Even though she got a little shiner on her forehead during the soccer game, she had a great time. She didn't kiss JP, but she still got the group date rose. I'm not really sure why. Nikki's sweet and cool enough, but I don't see a real spark there.

Andi: It kinda got serious for her today. She wants love! JP says she’s a grown woman, and Andi says she makes him giddy. They start making out in the snack bar. Once JP makes out with Sharleen, Andi gets very jealous and feels hurt. 

Back to the snack bar thing real quick. Last time I was in a snack bar, I got to be the Dippin' Dots guy at a Big Ten basketball game. I am a natural at dippin' dots, so I made about $50 in tips that night. I used that money for strippers in Canada.

Sharleen: All of the other women are starting to hate Sharleen. During the group date, Sharleen took JuanPabro out to the middle of the pitch and made out with him. Granted, it was one of the strangest kisses in reality TV history, but it was still a kiss. JP says Sharleen has class. I say she's this year's villain. She's strangely sexy, loves a good cry, but is also willing to turn that cry into a makeout sesh. Classic villain.

Clare: Looks great in pajamas. Looks great in a bathing suit. Looks great crying. 

She has a moment of crisis and has to go cry up in the bathroom with Renee. Then she comes down and tells JP about how she’s having a hard time with all this because she really likes him. “It’s not jealousy, but I wish it was me.” You're right, that's not jealousy. It's fallacy. OOOOHHHHHHH....

GUTEN NACHT, MEIN KINDERN!

Also, monkey brains. I told you I'd get ya.

DRUNK CHICKS ON THE TV 

I'm a fan of hot drunk chicks on TV as much as any other guy. I don't even like math, but I was always able to figure out some math problems. For example:

Cindy and Courtney are hosting a melon party. They have two melons each. After an hour, their friends Carrie and Candy come over to watch Vampire Diaries. If Carrie has three melons because Carrie's mom smoked during the pregnancy, and Candy only has one melon because Candies dad had a drinking problem, what is the average number of melons per girl attending the party? Also, Team Edward or Team Jacob? 

Was that confusing to you? I understood perfectly! The answers are two melons, because everything always works out okay in the end, and Team Jacob.

I blacked out. Was I doing math? Oh right, I was talking about drunk girls! They're fine, as I said. They can only handle three Milwaukee's Best Ice at once before they're tanked, so you can drink the other 27. They tend to bake better than men do, even if they put too many sprinkles on things. Plus, they're always good for passive aggressive girl fights, and those are just as good as a monster truck sandwich slathered with MMA sauce accompanied by a side of friends-with-benefits.

But ladies, if you're going to be the Drunk Chick, you have to know a few things...

1. Getting drunk doesn't make you more fun or more sexy, it makes you more drunk and more of a liability.

2. If you're going to start crying in a desperate play for attention, take it somewhere else, because we don't give a shit

3. Everyone is laughing at you.

4. Waterproof mascara is a must.

5. You better get good at apology sex. Might as well get good at that anyway. While you're at it, apologize more, even when you're not wrong.

So Victoria, take your red bikini and go back to your paralegal desk job in Miami, get tattoos of the Chinese symbol for "having fun" and "living in the moment" on your left and right ass cheeks, bang a few business major Kappa Sigs at Florida State, and talk about how no one understands you. When you're 32, you won't be hot anymore, you'll still have the same idiotic priorities, and everyone still won't understand you.

Unless you can get a venture capitalist to marry you right now. Then do that.

ROSE STATISTICS

1 on 1 Rose: Clare

1 on 1 Rose: Kat

Group Rose: Kelly

 

First, Rose Ceremony: Cassandra

Last,  Rose Ceremony: Christy

Eliminated: Victoria, Amy L, Chantel

Now, for my thoughts on the dates!

The night's first one-one-one date went to Clare, a 32-year-old hairstylist from Sacramento, California. Clare's favorite board game is Clue, which I respect, and she has two tattoos. Crazy enough, they're the Chinese symbols for "having fun" and "living in the moment," on her right and right-central ass cheeks. But I know Clare is a liar, because she says her favorite snack is fruit. Clare, you're telling me that if I waived a sack of nutter butters in front of your face, you'd reach for the blueberries? Not unless they're dehydrated and covered in chocolate. Those are delicious.

Juan Pablo likes to chill, so he blindfolds Clare and stuffs her in a limo. I watched a film with a similar plot last night, and I will give you a hint, it was porn. 

They drive to a winter wonderland in the middle of LA, and Clare is loving it. They go sledding down a mini-mountain. They have a blast and Clare admits that, “I haven’t felt this alive because of a man in a long, long, long, time.” Eight minutes in, we have our first lady who's feeling “vulnerable.” I miss the days when feeling vulnerable took a little while. That’s a Week 4 move, Clare, and you are serving up weak shit. 

After ice skating a little bit, Juan Pablo takes his shirt off and they go into the hot tub together. Instead of your typical hot tub flirtation, Clare tells Juan Pablo about how her dad died. She says, “My dad was one of the greatest, greatest…men, that there is.” 

My friend Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, would have a problem with that statement. He ensured domestic freedom for the slaves and FREEDOM FROM VAMPIRE ENSLAVEMENT FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD. What has your dad done, rescued three poodles from the shelter and make a Cup 'o Noodles by himself?

Anyway, after that inspirational parent moment, they make out! Therefore, the First Makeout of the Year award goes to CLARE! She should put that on her wall next to 1st Place, Northern California High School Spirit Squad Quarterfinalist for Christ. 

Clare could definitely maybe already be definitely falling for Juan Pablo. Once she gets the rose, they leave the hot tub and hear Josh Krajcik performing. They dance together in the snow in their bathing suits, just like every girl always dreamed she would.

While Josh Sasquatch Krajcik watches. Bachelor.

The second one-on-one date went to Kat.

Nice selfie, my lady. I too enjoy taking selfies. But instead of some mundane, contrived background, I take my selfies next to shelving units. I call them "shelfies." Remember where you were when you first heard this word. It's going to be bigger than planking.

Kat and Juan Pablo head to the airport and get on a jet. Juan Pablo comes out in a blue Fila suit with a light-up heart over his chest. They land in Salt Lake City and run down a walkway that’s all lit up with LEDs and everything. Then they just start raging in front of a ton of people. I think I saw Brooks from Des' season in the audience. He was still crying. 

At first I was thinking this was some kind of Dada Life concert. I hope they took Molly on the plane, because they're going to need it. 

I'm not talking about Kelly's dog, either. I'm talking about drugs! Although, now that I think about it, how cute would that be on that plane!

Then it actually turns out they’re going to run a 5k. I've heard of making a girl sweat on a first date, but GOSH, this is getting out of hand!!! 

In the end, Kat did pretty well with the whole thing. They didn't get to talk much after the plane flight, but Kat showed that she can hang in an up-tempo environment and hold her own. I went in to today thinking Kat was on the chopping block, but I came out thinking she'll be around for three more weeks. 

 

The group date included Chelsie, Christy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren S, Amy L, Alli, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria, and Free Spirit. The ladies start the date by getting in the limo and having some champagne, obviously. Once they get to the photo shoot studio, a dude with a blue beard (the art director, we're told) comes out and tells them what they'll be doing: a sexy photoshoot to encourage pet adoption.

At this point, there are dogs are running around peeing and pooping on everything. Once the women put on their costumes, it's clear that some of them didn't get their first choice. Victoria gets a red bikini, and Cassandra gets a nice cocktail dress, but Kelly looks like brown goose poop. Elise and Andi have to wear cardboard signs over their nether regions, and nothing else. Elise talks to the art director about this, because she's not that kind of girl and that's not what she's about, but he doesn’t do anything, so Elise makes a despertate request of Free Spirit: "Will you trade costumes with me?"

Will Free Spirit get naked? Pleeeaaaase.

The shoots are great, especially because Kelly just looks like a ridiculous piece of brown poop. Elise may have gotten out of wearing her birthday suit, but Andi is freaking out over having to go nude. Once she talks to Juan Pablo, though, she agrees to do it if everyone else leaves the room. So Andi gets naked and poses with Juan Pablo…with Free Spirit on the other side. 

In the end, Kelly got the rose for...whatever reason. Probably for being a good sport. Again, she looks like a turd.

Doesn't she look like a turd? Dusted with marshmallow?

Before we go, a few thoughts on some of the other women:

Free Spirit: She gets naked almost immediately. She'll get naked in the confessional interviews, while walking a dog during a photo shoot, or in the garden while watering the plants. The other girls just kind of laugh at her. That’s when you know they really don’t consider her a threat. And yet, she's still around. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

Kelly: She had a couple great quotes, including, "It’s a photo shoot, but it could be eating cheese. I’m good at both so…" and, “Wear the fucking hydrant and shut the fuck up!” The second quote describes Elise complaining about having to wear the fire hydrant instead of going nude.

Finally, Dog Lover sums up Victoria best when she says, "At the end of the day, this is a man with a child.” Dog Lover always thinks of the children.

Cassandra: She gets to make out with Juan Pablo during their photo shoot, a kind of a Lady and the Tramp spaghetti kiss. On this episode, Cassandra admitted that she has a son, Trey. At the cocktail party, she pops out some photos of her son and starts looking at them and crying. She isn’t sure it’s worth it. She talks to House Mom Renee, who also has a son (Dickey Lou). Juan Pablo comes up and talks to Cassandra and convinces her to stay. 

Cassandra is a 21-year-old-former-NBA-dancer-with-a-kid-and-a-nose-job-and-a-boob-job-on-a-reality-show. This is not why we stormed Normandy.

Renee: Looked great in her photo shoot, but didn’t go for the kiss. Afterward, she goes out with Juan Pablo to the roof to look at the LA skyline. She tells JP that she has a journal, and so does her son, and they both write to each other every night. Pretty cute, Renee. It looks like they've got some chemistry, but again, she doesn't go for the kiss. Oh well, maybe next time.

I like Renee and Juan together, it seems a little more real than with the other women. But she has to seal the deal!

Nikki: Juan Pablo likes her because she’s a nurse and she takes care of kids.

Sharleen: Sharleen admits that she was rude when Juan gave her the first impression rose last week. She apologizes for that. She wasn’t sure that she’s ever been more surprised in her life. That may be the case, but check the tape, honey, you said you weren’t feeling it. Despite that, she still got sassy when she accepted her rose. Instead of accepting it graciously, she gave JP a little sarcastic, "Sure..." But it's all good, because Sharleen brought back the MIKEY T DEEP V.

For that, we are forever grateful.

Follow me on Twitter @BroLovsBachelor.

BACHELOR BABE BONANZA 
See, alliteration is accessible! Just like a tube top.

Follow me on Twitter @BroLovsBachelor and watch how the sausage gets put inside the sausage cylinder.

TO THE STATS!

First Impression Rose (FIR): Sharleen
First Rose Ceremony Rose: Clare
Last Rose Ceremony Rose: Amy L

Wow. This is going to be a good season. And there's no other way to start it off than with a quote from our favorite hobbit, Bilbo Baggins:

"I feel... thin. Sort of stretched, like... butter scraped over too much bread."

We all know what he's getting at. Let me set the scene. Imagine that Delta Upsilon Photothon is hosting a mixer with the Thetas. You're expecting the sexy ladies to roll deep, like the 2003 NBA Draft. Like an R Kelly video. But instead, the talent pool is thinner than Lara Flynn Boyle.

I feel like this is one of the few times when the phrase, "go suck on a biscuit," is viable medical advice. Anyway, it's a sad feeling. The expectations are high, but the event just doesn't deliver.

Such was not the case in tonight's Bachelor premiere. The ABC casting department finally upped their game, and why wouldn't they? Juan Pablo is a sensual dude, and he needs a smokin' hot lady. So, without further ado, I'm gonna break down the Top 5 lovely ladies in no particular order. Except the order is the most attractive at the top and the least attractive at the bottom, as it should be.

If you need to match a name to a face, check this link at any time.


1.  Andi

Andi is the whole package. Hailing from Atlanta, Georgia, she's a true Southern belle. She plays tennis and golf, just like any real woman should. I'm assuming she looks good in Vineyard Vines. And to top it off, she's an assistant district attorney. #admireanddesire. Juan Pablo likes her, too, so she's an early favorite to win.

2.  Elise

She's pretty done up here, but make no mistake, Elise is natural like Trader Joe's almond butter. Unlike the typical Bachelor contestant, she's got curves that would make your Geometry teacher proud. She's like peanut butter ice cream with extra peanut butter. This chick is decadent and I love it. The only drawback was that the dress she wore looked like a disco ball exploded and she happened to be drenched in super glue. She stole Tierra's sparkle!

3.  Christy

Christy is like Budweiser: smooth, American, uncomplicated, #winning, and best enjoyed while fishing.

4.  Lacy

Lacy's got it, and she's gonna flaunt it. She owns a nursing home, and Juan Pablo is gonna try and make her chest his nursing home. BOOM! Also, she's from La Jolla, so you know she's totally loaded. But you'd probably have to get totally loaded to tolerate a conversation with her. I suggest Bud Light Cran-brrrr-rita.

5.  Renee

And you thought I was totally shallow ... but Renee's boobs are normal-sized! She's just plain cute. Renee's like a Golden Oreo. Wholesome, sweet, multi-layered, and best with milk. Go with skim though, bruh, because you gotta keep the fat down. And besides, even though she's 32 and has a nine-year-old son, she could actually win this thing! Juan Pablo can't judge her for having a kid. That'd be like Chet Haze judging Waka Flocka Flame for being a horrible rapper. 

 I always knew Kel was destined for big things.


The Rest of the Mamasita Mansion 

It doesn't stop there. Honestly, most of the women are very pretty this year, and there aren't too many weak points. So let's take a deep dive and drill into some of the dashing damsels.

Chelsie: She's a science educator. Like Bill Nye! I'm sold. I can't be the only dude who wants to bang Bill Nye.

Nikki: She’s a nurse, and it looks like they're pushing her as a candidate to go far in the competition. It doesn't hurt that she's a dead ringer for Ali Fedotowsky. Nikki is a nurse, so she's safe and nurturing. But she's also got a scorpion tattoo on her back, so she's venomous and unpredictable. This can't possibly go wrong.

Valerie: Valerie wins this week's Katniss award for shooting a crossbow in her intro segment. You can't beat that. But you can beat TO that! 

Clare: Clare's another safe bet to make it deep into the competition. She's hot, has a heart of gold, and has one of this season's few sob stories (that we know of). The only problem is ... SHE'S THE ONE WHO PRETENDED TO BE PREGNANT!

Amy L: Smokin’ hot. Great red dress. 

Lauren S: Remind me, which one is Michelle Branch, and which one is Vanessa Carlton? I don't know, but this music composer from Detroit reminds me of both foxy ladies.

Alli: The Adidas kicks with the dress were a sexy combo. 

By the way, I obviously know the difference between Michelle Branch and Vanessa Carlton. Branch sings Everywhere, and Carlton sings Thousand Miles. Also, I have not seen Branch in concert with Third Eye Blind and the Goo Goo Dolls, but I have seen Carlton in the same situation. Best ever. 

The Comedy Club

What's that you smell, Lauren H? Defeat? I thought so. If I need you to recommend a breakfast cereal, I'll give you a call. Otherwise, try to have some self-respect. 

And my favorite breakfast cereal is Corn Chex. 

Every season needs some complete joke contestants. Overall, there weren't many this season, which is a good thing. The Bachelor had gone way over the edge with the gimmick contestants in previous seasons, and it was time to rein it in a little. I like a little more competition in my reality TV, and it looks like this season will deliver.

Kylie: In what might have been the most awkward moment in Bachelor history, Kylie came forward to accept her rose from Juan Pablo during the rose ceremony at the end. The only problem is that JuanPa had called Kat to come down, not Kylie. And then Kylie was SUMMARILY ELIMINATED. What a goof.

 

Amy J: Getting a back massage from a girl is suppose to be something men fantasize about, just like a Duck Dynasty marathon or the perfect fart. Amy J, a self-described "artist" when it comes to the human body, looked like she was performing an exorcism, or possibly baking a rustic sourdough loaf, while giving JuanPa a rub-down. We'll miss her crazy eyes and her bangs.

Lucy: Lucy's job listing says, "Free Spirit." What kind of salary do you get as a free spirit? About $420k per year? Or do they just pay you in Sutter Home? Lucy is a gypsy in every sense of the word, but JuanPa must dig it, because she advanced. 2:1 odds say it's her on the bathroom floor saying she wishes he would die in the next episode. Bet me, bro.

That'll do it! Once again, follow me on Twitter @BroLovsBachelor.

Until our next adventura, ciao!