BACHELORETTE POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 5

We're up to Week 5 now, people. Things are starting to get real. Over the past month, Des has managed to weed out most of the side shows, over-emotional train wreck bros, and general joke creatures. That means it's time to start thinking seriously about who's going win this thing. And thus, I give you POWER RANKINGS.

I'm going to break the contestants up into four groups, counting down from the guy I think has the lowest chance to win to the guy who has the highest chance to win. So hit the fridge, grab your favorite domestic lager (does Icehouse count?), and enjoy.


NOT A CHANCE IN HELL, BRUH

11. MIKEY TEEEEEEEE! - This one really hurts. Mikey T is probably my favorite guy to root for, based on his rippling back muscles, fun-loving attitude, and dimples that don't quit. But he's in serious trouble, having received the last rose two weeks in a row. Mikey T, I can smell the end. Or is that your HAWKRIDGE?

10. Drew - I still don't think Drew is interested in women. He seems like a good guy, but he's not getting any time with Des. Sure, he's good for a quote every episode, but do we really know anything about him? Nope, and there's probably a reason for that.

9. Michael G - I think they're keeping him on mainly to be Ben's foil. He's part of the only man drama plot line of the season, but that's not enough to keep him around. Plus, how seriously can you take a guy whose abc.com contestant profile says Dante Alighieri and F. Scott Fitzgerald are his favorite authors? You're trying too hard, bruh. Arrivederci.

8. Kasey - Des is not Hello Kitty enough for this guy. Their first date culminated in him assaulting her mouth after an extremely awkward dinner, and his talent portion in the Mr. America pageant was tap dancing. This guy should be a complete non-factor. HOWEVER, stay tuned and I'll tell you why I'm afraid that might not be the case.

THE COMODíN

7. Juan Pablo - comodin is Spanish for "wild card." Juan Pablo is Spanish, not Venezuelan, but he sure is pretty, and I don't know what the hell to do with him.

THE VALUE PICKS

6. Ben - Des likes him, but he's the villain. And the villain always loses. Shit, I just remembered Vienna and Courtney. We've got trouble.

5. Zak - He's come a long way. From Mr. Abs launching himself into an empty pool to sensitive, acoustic guitar-playing drilling fluid engineer (yes, that's his job description). Zak is poised to make a surge up the list, but he needs a one-on-one date. We'll see if he gets it.

4. Bryden - He had a definite setback last week. Bryden's not sure of his feelings anymore, but Des gave him a rose, and he was willing to stay on another week. I'm hoping this is just a phase, because Bryden used to be a definite favorite to win it all. Now, we're forced to ponder whether he'll make it back to the top, or plummet to the bottom.

3. James - I think he's definitely more meat than head, but he's done pretty well in the last few weeks. Des likes making out with him, and that's really important in the Bachelorette. I wouldn't put any money on this guy winning, but there aren't too many other options right now.

CLEAR FAVORITES

2. Chris - Chris reminds me a little of J.P, the winner of Ashley's season. He's mature, interesting, supportive, and a little goofy. He's not as over-the-top outgoing as some of the guys, but he's someone who can hold his own wherever he goes. He's universally liked and respected. If he doesn't get a one-on-one date this week, I'd be shocked. 

1. Brooks - He got the first one-one-one date, and he hasn't done anything since then to lose his spot at the top. He even got the sympathy vote after going home in an ambulance in Week 3. At the Mr. America pageant, he manged to kill it without being able to sing or play an instrument (he smashed his ukelele on stage). Also, it seems like he's making out with Des every week.

NOW COMES THE INTERESTING PART 

I did some research. Maybe I wish I hadn't, but I did.

I looked up each of the previous Bachelorette winners. I wanted to know which week those guys had their first one-on-one date with the Bachelorette. You'd think many of them would have made a great impression and gotten dates right off, and had romance take off from there.

Not exactly. 

The guy who got the first one-on-one date with the Bachelorette has NEVER won. Not one time in eight seasons. This is bad news for Brooks.

So, you might ask, when does the winner usually get their first one-on-one date?

The answer: WEEK 3. Of the six eligible seasons (I don't count Season 1 because the format was different, and there was no winner in Season 3), the winner got his first one-on-one date in Week 3 four times (Ian, Ed, Roberto, JP).

The latest a winner has ever gotten their first one-on-one date? Jef in Season 8, during Week 5.

That means that according to the trend, this is the man who will win Des' heart:

Kasey. Damn it...



Oh well. If you don't like my list, post your own, and let me know why. Stay tuned for the Week 5 recap on Tuesday. L8r.

 

  

BRO LOVES BACHELOR - WEEK 4

A LOVE TO LIGHT THE DARKNESS

Also known as ten dudes gettin' their Miss Utah on (there must be like, 40 pounds of pecs in that pic!)

B4 we begin, allow me to say a few words about love...

There are many types of love:

• The love a bro feels when he tastes the rocky-mountain freshness of a Coors Light (but only when the mountains are blue, bruh, otherwise it tastes like alpaca piss).

• The love a bro feels when he smells the cloth and rubber of his brand-new Starbury basketball shoes (knowing he will own the court that night)

• The love a bro feels when he hears Ants Marching coming from a old-school stereo sitting on the fratio. Watch the video; it will explain everthing.

• The love a bro feels when he sees an unoccupied grass field (knowing there are like, potentially hours of pick-up ultimate frisbee to be played there (if you can find enough bros for 5v5 (and if you don't roll nine bros deep, shame on you)

• The love a bro feels when he touches a ping pong ball knowing there's a long night of beer pong ahead (my roommate Derek and I make up the legendary beer pong twosome "Team Drain," and like Franklin Delano Roosevelt, we have never been defeated)

This isn't what you thought love was? I give you the wise words of Oscar Gamble:

"Roses are red, violets are blue. They don't think it be like it is, but it do."

The point is ... love can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. For Des, love will light the darkness. May we all be lucky enough to find that love.

LADIES AND GENTLEFRATERNITYMEN, THE STATS:

Love Count: 29

Heart Count: 7 

This number seems low, I know. But I was on glass #2 of Kendall-Jackson Chardonnay, so give me a break.

Rose Count: 44

Journey Count: 4

Right Reasons Count: 1

1 on 1 Date #1: Brad. At first, it seemed like this was going well enough. Brad and Des had a lot of fun, and Brad didn't even mention his mistake, I mean son, Maddox!

After going to the boardwalk in Atlantic City, Brad and Des spent some time together out on the beach around a majestic sandcastle. I was once part of a sandcastle (aka my friends buried me in the sand and carved a mermaid with big sand boobs).

After the beach time, the two love birds had dinner. The dinner conversation was rocky, because Brad talking was about as interesting as when girls talk about their mutual bad experiences with "Tequila Night." 

Des takes Brad up to the top of the lighthouse and she ELIMINATES him. I guess the lighthouse didn’t guide him to love … LOL. He gone.

Group Date #1: Brooks, Bryden, Zak K, Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Ben, Chris, Micheal, Mikey T. 

It’s a Mr. America Pageant! I'll save the space on the recap and hit that in each of the dude breakdowns. Basically, there were three parts to the competition: Q&A, talent, and swimsuit. The picture shown above is of the talent portion.

1 on 1 Date #2: James gets the privelige of the second one on one date. He and Des fly in a helicopter with a woman from the Red Cross and look at the devastation of Hurricane Sandy. 

All I can think during this is, "If James achieves a helicopter makeout here, we've truly made history." The helicopter makeout is one of the best moments of any Bachelor season.

 

But the odds of James pulling this off? Greater than the odds of your boss shotgunning a Bud Light Lime-a-Rita during a client meeting. And those things are delicious! I know shared traumatic experiences can breed intimacy, but this is just too much, bruh.

James and Des don't make out on the helicopter :(. But they do meet a nice older couple, Manny and Jan, who have been married 38 years and are trying to rebuild their home on the shore. Long story short, James and Des eat pizza and make out in a bar (garlic breath be damned!) and then go to a Darius Rucker concert. This is by far the best date of the season, actually.

If ya'll are in Chicago on June 28th, see ya at the Darius concert at Ravinia. Peace.

MORE STATS:

First Rose: Zak W

Last Rose: Mikey T

Group Date Rose: Zak W

Eliminated: Brad, Zack K

Makeouts: Chris, James, Michael G, Chris. (I set the over/under at five going in. My coworker took the over. Guess who is $1 richer. Guess who spent that $1 on a Mcdouble.

DUDE NOTES:

Brooks: For his talent during the man pageant, Brooks played a ukelele and sang. However, he cannot sing or play the ukelele. Doesn't matter; once he finished, he threw the uke on the ground and smashed it completely. #hendrix. He placed third.

Juan Pablo: He can twirl a baton. Really well. And he winks like a champion. And he has a daughter!!!! Funny that we hadn't heard about that yet...

Zak K: For his talent, he played acoustic guitar and sang. He’s a much better singer than Brooks. 

After this week, I'm thinking we might have to start taking Zak seriously. He placed second in the pageant, and during the group date dinner that night, he sang Des another song that I think she really liked. For his efforts, Zak got the Group Date Rose.

Bryden: He pelvic thrusted during his talent portion. When in doubt, throw the crotch out. I've always said it.

Bryden doesn’t get any time on the group date, which makes him angry, and he questions his feelings. Now remember, in the promo at the beginning of the episode, they played this quote from Bryden's conversation with Des: 

"There are some things I want to talk to you about.” 

ABC made it seem like he was talking about Ben … but he was talking about … himself! Is this former stud slipping? He's not out yet, but it's not looking good.

Ben: He looked super frat in his cream yellow button-down. Evidently he’s focusing exclusively on the game now, because he's not talking about his son (it's Tyson, right?) anymore. 

Except he does show Des a necklace with his son’s thumbprint. I guess a tiger can't change his stripes, and a bro can't take the horse and rider off his Ralph Lauren, either. 

James: He's got calves like an angel. I also loved the shot of him in his bathrobe sipping wine. 

During Week 4, we found out that James cheated while he was with his girlfriend of 5.5 years when he was a freshman in college.What we didn't know is that he cheated at strip poker. And if you don't cheat at strip poker, you are stupid, because the girls don't play by the rules.

Chris: He wore high heels during the pageant. He writes poetry (and so does Des!) My favorite poet is Shell Silverstein! 

Chris has some real good conversation with Des. He joke with her about the Friend Zone, and Des takes the bait, and boom! Makeout baby! Chris continues to improve his stock.

Brad: Eliminated. Duh. He cried so much during his exit interview … yet he could barely string five words together during the dinner conversation.

Mikey T: “Most women see men as their bodies.” MIKEY TEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

He did really well during the pageant. For his talent, he basically did a striptease, complete with headstand pushups. He calls this “fairly meatheaded behavior.” 

He killed it in the swimsuit portion. Of his performance he said, “I killed it.” 

Also, his dimples just do not quit. Dimples for days. He said his superpower would be to become invisible. He’d just be a pair of floating dimples.

Kasey: He won the pageant. BY TAP DANCING. Do we have to endure another week of this guy?

That's it. Stay tuned on Monday, because I'm going dual threat with this thing. Coming Monday morning ... BACHELORETTE POWER RANKINGS POST.

BRO LOVES BACHELOR - WEEK 3

This is Week 3, right? 

Bachelorette Contestant Bro: Yo Bryden, you get somma dat Des action?

Bryden: Bruh,  I'm the Sydney Crosby of tonsil hockey. I cross the blue line and go straight to the back of the net.

That about says it, right? Let me expand on a few thoughts:

1. Maybe it's just my bloodlust for writing material, but it seems like there have been more makeout sessions early on this season than on previous seasons. By my unofficial count, eight (maybe 7.5) guys ventured inside Des' mouth during this episode: --> James, Kasey, Bryden, Juan Pablo, Ben, Chris, Brooks, Brandon (half). Not that I blame Des or the guys ... but is it all getting out of hand? 

And more importantly, how do we tell who's winning if don't have any useable benchmarks? It used to be that making out with the Bachelor/Bachelorette meant something. Throw that baby out with the bath water. When it gets down to the final ten guys, how am I supposed to decide who to draft onto my Bachelorette Fantasy Team?

 2. Brandon is not going to make it on the outside. 

-->  
Rule #1: Never say anything like, "I've never felt more confident." Don't go there. Go there, do not. Don't geaux there! 

Here are times you should not say things like that:

1. Before the big game (Intramural softball final, beer olympics, Greek God competition (all things I've lost))

2. Before you propose

3. Before you chug a smirnoff ice 

OMG this guy's doing #2 and #3 at the same time! Forget what I said, this guy can say anything he wants. Dude wins.


Back to Brandon. I'd always had this feeling I'd seen this guy before. Now I know where:

He's in the Sarah McLachlan animal cruelty video.

Don't actually watch this video. It's too depressing. I can't watch it. My roommate Derek knows this, so when it comes on, he turns the volume up and laughs while I struggle. He takes tremendous pleasure in this. 

Back to Brandon. He cries in many ways--while wearing suits, while shirtless, or while wearing only a zip-up hoodie unzipped to his belly button. He’s the ultimate acoustic guitar background music guy. He says each time he hangs out with Des is the best time of his life—and then tells a sob story about how he grew up without a father. He was the first one to say he’s “falling in love with her.” 

Then he kisses Des. She consumes his mind right now. 

AND THEN SHE SUMMARILY ELIMINATES HIM. 

Good work Des. Brandon passed from America's gaze after uttering this complete gem of a quote: 

“I’m blown away. I’m fucking blown away. What a mistake. What a giant mistake. I can’t even cry. I’m just out of tears.”

I don't think he's out of tears. ;) 

THE STATS:

Love Count: 25

Rose Count: 35

Heart Count: 3

Journey Count: 1 (Not good enough, ABC)

The Right Reasons Count: 4

-->

Group Date #1: Mikey T, Brooks, Chris, Bryan, Drew, Michael, Brad, Brandon, Zack K, Ben. 

#loveisabattlefield

We hardly knew yee, Brooks. One minute, dude is on top of the world. The next, he breaks his finger playing dodgeball, passes out after getting that finger reset, and has to go to the ER. The story has a happy ending, though, because he came back to the group date dinner and made out with Des for a while. Winner winner Des dinner!

For the first group date, the guys played some dodgeball. ABC brought in the dudes from the National Dodgeball League to tutor the bros; then the dudes faced off against each other in a best of three series for the right to continue on to the evening portion of the date. 

One of the teams won, because sports work that way, but Des decided to bring everyone to the party—COME ON BRUH THAT DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF COMPETITION!! I applaud ABC for changing the group date rules and adding some competition, but if the Bachelorette is going to just let everybody come to the tea party, then I'm not going to care. Let's make a hard and fast rule: You lose the competition, you don't get to go try and make out with Des over a nice plate of short rib ravioli.

One on One Date: Kasey. Skip it and go heat up a Lean Pocket. Dude's done.

Second Group Date: Zak, Bryden, Juan Pablo, James. 

It’s a cowboy boot camp! I recently started loving country music and everything about cowboys (Eric Church and Blake Shelton are obviously killing it), so this was right up my alley. And the guys did a good job. Plus, Des looked great in her Old West dress.

Each of the guys got to learn how to be cowboy stunt man. They each tried to impress Des with their new skills, and whoever did the best got to go on a little movie date with her. Juan Pablo spoke Spanish during his performance … which somehow was really funny. Obviously, Dream Boat Venezuela Man won.

Also, Dan’s pants split. But wait, who's Dan?

MORE STATS:

-->

First Rose: Bryden (*fist pump*)

Group Date Rose: Chris

Group Date Rose2: James

Final Rose: Ben (*yes*)

Eliminated: Brian, Brandon, Dan

DUDE NOTES:

Brian: He’s the mystery guy who has a girlfriend! Meet Stephanie:

Stephanie enjoys being in bad relationships. She enjoys crying on television, big earrings, rhinoplasty, mascara, and not letting Chris Harrison talk. Her interests are shoulder pads (get it, gurl), yelling at her son Donovan's role models, and throwing rocks.

  

Brian: “You threw rocks at my face.”

Steph: “I did throw rocks at you … because you’re a jerk.”

Yeah, she said that. This is a troubled relationship, but I'm really rooting for these two kids. I think they've got something great! Des sent Brian home...

Brad: I don’t know who he is, but he has a haunted past. He has a three-year-old son named Maddox. Ben, you've got competition. 

Brad’s mom is watching Maddox right now. Big Brother is watching Brad's mom watch Maddox Right now. Daryl Hall's private eyes are watching Big Brother watch Brad's mom watch Maddox right now. 

Brad told a story about domestic violence, and restraining orders, and stuff, but I blacked out (damn you, beergaritas!)
-->

Brooks: He pulled a Tierra and came back for the end of the group date party—in his Dodgeball uniform. He used a great line on Des, too: “Okay … kiss me.” 

I miss Tierra a lot.

Juan Pablo: Damn foreigners…

Mikey T: “Some stud named Mikey.” MIKEY TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Ben Guy With Kid: He’s so into being the villain. So into it that he wears a black wife beater around. A black wife beater? COME ON BRO!!!

Dude with Type 1 Diabetes (Michael G): “This isn’t my grandfather’s Dodgeball. This is a cargo-cage death match.” What?

Drew: Is Drew gay?

Kasey: He looks like a Backstreet Boy, or a member of N’SYNC. But aren't they all?

Chris: Leads Des to a secret spot on the roof. He plays it very cool. Des likes how he smiles; she says it’s the small things that make her notice him. Chris is feeling a lot more confident.

BOOM! Things are starting to get cooking. Stay tuned for next week's edition. And leave comments.

 
 

BRO LOVES BACHELOR - WEEK 2

Yes, I know, this is my Week 2 post and Week 3's episode just finished. I apologize. I've been remiss in my duties. I wish I had been Katniss in my duties.

Oh well, here goes. Here are my opening thoughts:

The title of this episode should be JUST KISS ME, ALREADY (FOR THE RIGHT REASONS)

This is not a makeout pic, but I think it captures where Des' head is at right now.

What a turnaround. Remember when Fantasy Suite Bro asked Des if she wanted to get away from everything and she declared, "I'm not that kind of girl?" Well, in Week 2, she sorta became that kind of girl. I counted three makeout sessions that (Brooks, Bryden, and Ben--what a week for the B Bros!)

If you like metaphors, here is one of the thing you like:

Remember when in Mighty Ducks 2, Team USA lost to Iceland in the group stage by about ten goals? There was no way they were coming back. They were toast. Iceland was green, and Greenland was full of ice. Not even a Gordon Bombay introspective revolution could bring this rat-tag pee-wee bunch together.

No way Emilio's ever been more jostled than in this pic. But the thing is, the Ducks came back and beat Iceland in the championship, which led to the most dramatic dialogue ever in a children's sports movie (sorry, Big Green). Exhibit A:

Coach Sven Illundyjeksvard: "Gunar, you lost it for me."

Supposedly 15-year-old Gunar Stahl but truly 24-year-old Steroid-laced struggling Hollywood actor Mickey Stardust: "No, you lost it for yourself."

Basically, Des' Week 2 turnaround is exactly like what happened in Mighty Ducks 2. The Ducks went from afterthought to Goodwill Games champions. Des was a sweet, unassuming Cinderella in Week 1, and Jenna Jameson's understudy a few days later. It should not be possible. Not even Big David Blaine could complete that transformation.

The magic of the Bachelor, people. Let's see the stats.

-->

Love Count: 20

Rose Count: 34

Heart Count: 4

Journey Count: 2

Other words nominees: amazing (huge), fairy tale, pursue my dreams, here for the right reasons (this wins; drink every time you hear it), angel

First Rose: Brooks

Group Date Rose: Ben

Final Rose: Brandon

Eliminated: Will, Robert, (Johnny Torch), Nick M (Who?)

Episode Highlights

First 1v1 Date: Brooks had the first date. The dude looks like Mike Miller working as a server at an Italian restaurant. I got another Miami Heat reference in this post. Am I proud? Yes. 

Overall, I thought their date seemed kinda middle school (not that I went on any dates in middle school) and that Brooks is a little bit of a whistle. Then again, he did get to participate in a makeout sesh below the Hollywood sign! 

For their romantic dinner date, ABC road blocked off a bridge in LA.

I’m surprised Vin Diesel and Paul Walker didn’t come charging right through for a little drag race! Also, haven't they done this exact date before?

Des and Brooks continued to make out during the live performance by (band)! I don't know what band it was, but it was super romantic! But, is Brooks really first one-on-one date material? Des had that honor during Sean's season, and no one thought twice about it. I can't say Brooks inspired the same confidence.

Group Date: Dan, Drew, Juan Pablo, Brian, James, Nick, Michael G, Zak W (his name is not Zach), Kasey, Ben, Will, Brandon, and Mikey T got a crack at this one. Each dude represented a different color of the rainbow during this date. I craved skittles.

I didn’t know there were that many shades of blue—kidding, here are some: cerulean, teal, aquamarine, oceanique, infinite sorrow (for those of you who lost your serving jobs at Chili's). 

They made a rap video with Soulja Boy. ABC is trying to branch out from it's target demographic of middle-aged housewives into the more dangerous, fun-loving type of young person who loves watching white people be bad at things like rap. 

The name of the video was “For the Right Reasons.” Dig.

Second 1v1 Date: The untouted star of this season might be Des' teal Bentley. My roommate Derek calls it the “Bargain Barrel Bentley.” Come, on bro. This thing is hot.

Bryden has the second date. Quick question: how is he on leave from the Army? 

They go on a little trip to the beach. There’s an awesome shot of the two of them drawing in the sand through a rock arch (they are secretly drawing naughty man parts), and then another awesome shot of them through an orange grove (laughing at two oranges and a branch displayed together (which looks like naughty man parts)). #cinematography

They have a lovely candlelit dinner with a side of acoustic guitar. We find out that Bryden was in a big car accident while working construction. He rolled his trailer on top of the truck and it burst into flames. He had to get airlifted out—he had a collapsed lung, broken ribs, and 100 or more stitches. 

“I actually have a couple pictures if you want to see them…” and then he produces the pictures immediately. ??????? That’s kind of a joke. But the whole experience gave him a huge life lesson – live every day like it’s your last. I know a life lesson: stick up for what you believe in

Then it’s pool time! There's some awkward conversation when they turn off the music and finally Des says, “Just kiss me already.” Hence the title of this week's post. I like Bryden.

Dudes:

Brooks: “I’m waiting for a sign…” Way ahead of you, bruh. His green suit is awesome. Brooks didn’t speak to his father from age 13-19. His dad just skipped out, and then came back years later and cried about it. He’s 28 now and still working on his relationship with his dad. But he realizes there’s a lot to be grateful for and he wants to do better for his kids. He actually looked like he cared and believed what he was saying. He got teary—yes!!! THE TEARS BEGIN 22 MINUTES IN.

Zak: Gives Des an antique journal from a father to a daughter. No comment. There is amazing music during this segment. Zak is a clown but he’s really killing it. Des said he really “blew her away.” He really showed some depth. Zak is an idiot though.

Mikey T: He is a stripper. He has a really close Italian family. He looks like he’s going to have a feud with Ben. He thinks Ben isn’t genuine and asks Ben to talk to him; he calls him out. He gets a “politician” feeling from Ben (I think he’s right on that). Ben just sits there trying to look concerned and says “okay.” They end up bonding over their shoes. I don’t think we’ve seen the end of this. Mikey is the greatest.

Ben Guy With Kid: Ben swoops in and steals Des from Mikey T. The dudes are already starting to hate him. Dude drama usually takes a long time to boil, but we’ve already got some. This is good work by ABC. The first thing Ben talks about is his kid Brody, obviously. He tells Des that he wanted to kiss her during the video, but his cowboy hat was in the way. So he takes his opportunity right there and makes out with her. Dude, wow. He is the opposite of Tony from Emily’s season. Is this guy Bentley from Ashley's season all over again? He got the group date rose.

Brandon: He gave us this gem: “I was born, and I had a mom and a dad like you did.” 

His dad left the family when he was five years old and didn’t come back. He went to a lot of schools and his mother was a drug addict. This is some serious stuff, but he’s playing this card really, really early. He claims to have raised his little brothers and sisters. This dude is kind of a wackadoo, but Des says he has positive energy. So does a proton. LOL SCIENCE COMEDY! BILL NYE BONER!

Dude with Type 1 Diabetes (Michael G): His blood sugar was at 800 and normally it’s 80-120.  That's like, 420x higher than normal. He was in the middle of this story and then Ben came and stole Des away. He calls Ben a, “Type of Pile of B.S.” Ben is a complete tool. He, Mikey T, and an anonymous bodyguard confront Ben. 

“The example you’re setting for your son is hey, when you make a mistake, just lie about it. He picked the wrong guy to lie to.” #nailedit

He also gave us an “It is what it is” comment. #nailedit

Brian: He brought up the “D” word. He means divorce, but think I thought of decks.

I can't wait for next week. I plan on watching tomorrow. Stay tuned.

BRO LOVES BACHELOR - WEEK 1

-->

Quick thing right off

The Bachelor is probably my favorite show on television. You might be wondering why.

I'm a 20-something college graduate living and working in the Chicago area. I went to Northwestern to study journalism. I like playing pickup basketball, sweating, grilling meats outdoors, drinking Mike's hard lemonade while golfing, sweating some more, and wearing pink Vineyard Vines polo shirts with white khaki shorts. I can be super bro-y. Yet I would rather watch The Bachelor than do most of the things listed above.

This is me: 

Under armor polo - nice work.

I don't work in the journalism industry, so I figured I'd write about something I'm passionate about. This fits the bill. Every week, I'll be posting something new about each episode of the Bachelorette - follow along and I think you'll enjoy it. Unless you're too damn good for some trashy TV.

The Secret of The Bachelor: Self-awarity

I created that term, self-awarity. It's good, I know!

"That show is a joke. How can you take it seriously?"

This is a common question from those who aren't in on the secret. I know most of the show is set up, but come on now - it's just good fun. No, Des and whoever she picks probably won't get married and live happily ever after. They might not even make it a few weeks (not everyone is Ashley and J.P.).

It doesn't matter what happens after the show. When the show's on, it's going to be a good time. The Bachelor has heroes, villains, storytelling, and cinematography just like any other drama. It's not real - it's reality, and it knows it. We all know it. Treat it like you should treat yourself - not too seriously.

Let's jump into week one:

WEEK 1 BY THE STATS

Bachelorette: Desiree Hartsock. Des is a sexy, tall brunette who got eliminated later in the game on Sean's season of the Bachelor. I don't know why she got eliminated. She was the best. I told people that if I ever sent in my Bachelor application it would be for her - then I remembered that I'd have to get on P90X immediately if wanted any shot at it and then I remembered that I had a lot of green chile chicken enchilada leftovers to eat. Guess what won. Sorry, Des.

Host: Chris Harrison. Chris floats in and out of prominence on this show. I like it when he's involved. I like the awkwardness of his sit-down interviews. I love hearing "Ladies. This is the final rose of the evening. (Insert bachelor name here), when you're ready." Chris is like the crust on a pizza. And I can tell that's DiGiorno pizza crust. It's essential but it doesn't get much love. Whatever man, if you don't want to finish that Chris crust, I'll take it and wolf it down. Dude kills it.

Contestant Bros: Twenty-five of them. First reaction is that only about five even have a chance. The rest seem like total clowns, gimmicks, or whistles. Hopefully they prove me wrong.

The bros, or some of them:

Bryden: Iraq war veteran. Seems real nice, but nothing special. Des liked seeing him get out of the car. He played it cool at the first meeting, and that's a big indicator. NO ONE WHO TRIES A GIMMICK AT THE FIRST MEET UP EVER MAKES IT. Unless you're Lindsay from Sean's season (wedding dress stunt, anyone?) But hey, she lost in the final. So point made. Bryden got the third Rose and I like him.

Will: From Chicago. Does Bikram yoga. Reminds me of Tony Gray from the Wire. Calls Des "Athena." This isn’t Battlestar Galactica bro; no one needs a call sign.

Drew: From Scottsdale (the stomping grounds of Arie Luyendyk from Emily's season (check out that sick Dutch name, bruh) and check out this triple parenthesis))) A favorite. Drew's parents are divorced and his dad was an alcoholic. His sister is mentally handicapped. Obviously here's here for the long haul; you don't waste a story like that.

Nick R: Chicago. Suit guy. Professional magician. His tailoring was better than his magic; I liked the purple flair. GO U!!!!

Zach: Drilling fluid engineer. Let's cal him Mr. abs. His hair goes higher than Cheech and Chong. He walked out of the limo with no shirt on. “Will you accept these abs?” Another contestant, Michael, called him the “shirtless stripper guy.” Which had better odds – the Heat winning the NBA finals or him being first in the pool? By the way, I can't wait to see Chris Bosh pour champagne all over himself again this year. He got the second rose, which sickens me. 

Robert Has a one-eyed dog. YOU CAN'T FAKE THAT! He looks like Chris Evans who played Johnny Torch. I think Des likes this guy a lot. I'm going to start introducing myself as "Johnny Torch" to people I don't know.

Brandon aka Pinstripes: Flipped a coin to decide whether to do the Bachelorette interview or go to the birthday party his grandparents threw for him. Uhhh … do both? It's called "Calendar" on your Outlook account, and it helps you organize your schedule. Use it.

Mike R: Dental student from Dallas. Air Force vet. Born and raised in England. 

“My mom was a great mom when she wasn’t struggling with addiction.” 

So ... she wasn't really a great mom at all, right? Let's not qualify a statement like that. The music during this part sounded like the part from Lord of the Rings after Gandalf dies. Spoiler alert, though, he doesn't die, he fights a Balrog and gets enough XP to lvl up into Gandalf the White. 

Hashtag Dude: Ugh, die.

Larry: Designated old dude. Almost strained Des' hamstring. He looked like your creepy philosophy professor. Needless to say he didn't make it. 

Jonathan, Fantasy Suite Dude: “My love tank has not been depleted yet.” First to leave. He then proceeded to deplete his love tank on every  bush outside the house.

Diogo, Knight in Shining Armor: No Jaime Lannister. He gone! I searched "Jaime Lannister dreamy" to find that picture. Come back to us, ladies.

Juan Pablo: Venezuelan former pro soccer player. Brings chocolate. Talks weird. He’s like Roberto from Allie's season who doesn’t bring anything else to the table except being foreign.

Sidenote to women everywhere: Foreign dudes are the same as American dudes. They just talk differently. And if they're from Europe, they probably live with their parents. Sound like something you want to get into? 

Ben, Dude with Kid: Brody is the kid’s name. Ben calls Brody his best friend, his partner in crime. It sounds unhealthy that his best friend is three years old. He should play with kids his own age. Especially if daddy is letting him get involved in the crime game this early. Go back to school, lil hopper!

I'm intrigued to see if Ben's child exploitation ploy will work. I think openly using the kid as a bargaining chip is despicable, but it makes for good TV. 

Okay, one more thing to dissect with Ben. He said, “family is extremely important to me.” When talking about Brody's mother, he also said, “It’s more like … two friends have a kid together.” Sounds like you shouldn't be having kids.

Ben got the first rose. So much is wrong with this.

Ronnie from Jersey Shore: I don't know his real name, but it looks like we'll get to watch him cry a lot! ;( 

First rose: Ben

Last rose: Mikey T

To close, some quick hits:

Number of times we heard "Journey": 3

This is my favorite word you hear on Bachelor. It's great. I was pissed that I had to wait 23 minutes to hear it the first time (during Chris' first long monologue). 

Number of times we heard "Love": 29

It's probably closer to 40, but I was taking notes so who knows. 

Number of times we heard "Heart": 6

Number of times we heard "Cinderella": 4

Looks like "Cinderella" is the theme of Des' season. As you will see below, there was a lot of fairy tale vocabulary in Episode 1. 

Key word nominees for next week: soul mate, humbling, blessed, devastated, Prince Charming (big one), fairy tale (huge), dream come true, bell of the ball, Desorion (some dude named a star after her. I love this and I'm doing it as soon as I can find someone worthy of all that hydrogen). I forgot to keep track of "rose." Would have been off the charts.

That's it for this week, folks, I'll have the next one up Tuesday or Wednesday.