Bachelor Preview - Nick Viall

This is my first post in a long time. I think it's been about 2.5 years. My recent life's journey, much like that of a Bachelor contestant, has had its ups and downs, highs and lows, and Veuve Clicqouts and Keystone Lights. That's just the way of things. But honestly I don't drink Veuve, it's hipster trash.

Two years ago, I moved up to Fairbanks, Alaska to become a junior brewing intern at the HooDoo Brewing Company. It didn't pay much, and it was colder than Andi and Kaitlyn's combined dismissal of our fearless new Bachelor Nick, but it freed my mind enough so that I could truly immerse my newly freed mind in alcohol without any fears, cares, or responsibilities getting in the way. Also while I was up there, I invented the liquor stocking. Made a lot of money off that. Now I'm back in the Lower 48 and, like Nick, I'm back with a vengeance. So let's get to it. 

This guy! Again! I think that like most of America, I hated Nick for the first 90% of his Bachelor career. He was smug, overly confident, and didn't give a shit about anyone except himself and his lady love, whoever that was at the time. He was a singularly brazen douche who was also singularly charming, the epitome of the "I'm here for (the Bachelorette) Guy." And it actually worked, twice, except for the part where he was runner up both times. 

On last summer's installment of Bachelor in Paradise, Nick grew a bit of a softer side. He didn't see anyone he really wanted once Josh staked a claim in Amanda. When Josh wasn't eating Tombstone pizzas on the beach in Mexico, he was sucking Amanda's face on the beach in Mexico. Seriously, Amanda and Josh sucked more face than a dementor on Dudley Dursley. But anyway, once he couldn't have Amanda, he settled into a more casual, cheerful, and dare I say mature attitude. He actually seemed to start caring about other people, how they felt, and what they wanted. Maybe he was just pulling the wool over the producer's eyes. Either way, he won himself a shot at being the next Bachelor, and for that, we wish him good luck. It's Nick's turn.

By the way, Nick's favorite classy Midwestern beer is Hamm's. He likes the eggyness.

Enough about Nick! He's a dirty third-party voter! Let's talk about the ladies! I think we've got a good crop this year. I'm going to get my top six listed and analyzed, and then give out a few "Most Likely To" awards to round us out.

1. Sarah, 26, Newport Beach, CA

For me, Sarah is the odds-on favorite. She's cute, she looks fun, she's from California, and she's a teacher. Seems like a pretty lethal combination on par with Vin Diesel/Paul Walker RIP or heroine and uncaring neighbors. As a teacher, she can work anywhere, so there won't be any drama over that. Her bio on abc.com also says she's socially Democratic and economically Republican, so she's clearly extremely intelligent. Although, when asked what kind of animal she'd be, she said, "A puppy! Or, if you're a bird, I'm a bird right? :)" That's our favorite, folks.

2. Lacey, 25, Manhattan, NY

Lacey's biggest regret is that she gives people third and fourth chances, which means she's perfect for Nick, because he needs at least four chances (and counting) to get things right. Lacey is pretty, lives in NYC, has a good job, and is educated (she speaks Arabic and did a double major). Those are all pluses, but really what puts her over the edge is that her favorite movies are Armageddon, Step Brothers, and Wedding Crashers. Armageddon is the best movie ever made. Side note, along that line, do you remember when they're all undergoing psych testing by NASA, and Max starts pretending to be Harry Caray calling a Cubs World Series win? Well, that happened now. Not only is Armageddon heart-wrenching, epic cinema, it is also prophetic. Bring on the asteroid. I'm ready.

3. Elizabeth "Liz", 29, Las Vegas, NV

Liz. Lizard. Lizaroo. We've learned from the preview show that Liz already met Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding. They not only met each other, they slept together. The next day, Nick asked her for her number, and she didn't give it to him. WTF? So, we already know Nick and Liz have some chemistry. But can they get over their history? And when it comes to light, will the other ladies turn on Liz completely and ruin her chances?

4. Kristina, 24, Lexington, KY

Kristina is cute, peppy, comes from Kentucky, has a foreign accent, and is an orphan on top of it all. What's not to like? Go orphans!

5. Jasmine B, 25, Tacoma, WA

There are a lot of eyes on Jasmine G this season because she's a Golden State Warriors cheerleader. But I say, don't sleep on Jasmine B (B for Bud Light ;))! She seems sassy, pretty, and willing to challenge Nick. She's also a flight attendant, and flight attendants have a winning history on The Bachelor. See Lauren B from Ben Higgins' season. Jasmine G also likes Steve Harvey, so we know she has good taste, just like Steve Harvey has great taste in very large suits.

6. Corinne, 24, Miami, FL

Corinne is this year's villain. She seems to be willing to do anything and everything to win. She'll get into fights with the girls, take her top off, and try to sneak into Nick's room to bang him. This is just from the preview show. Oh, and she's the type to drop the, "I run a multi-million dollar company" bomb. Fasten your seat belts, Corinne is going to play her role beautifully. The question is, is she a Courtney Robertson, or a Tierra?


At a ceremony held yesterday, the following awards were given to other contestants:

The Honorary Lace Award for mostly likely to get wasted and jump in the pool

·      Whitney, because she is from Minnesota and likes hockey and is also a Pilates instructor. It’s a cover. She also has a vodka-chugging Romanian look to her.

The Honorary Olivia Award for the mostly likely to make a great first impression and turn into a psychopath

·      Sarah, because while she is our favorite, she also admitted to loving gambling, so she may be crazy.

The Honorary Catherine Lowe Award for most likely to win sneakily.

·      Danielle L is also a small business owner and is pretty and fun. I would have said Christen, because she likes Katniss and seems fun, but she is a virgin. I want to tell her to go hug a pony and shut up. 

o   Most Likely to Turn into a Dolphin

·      This one goes to Astrid! To clarify, for whatever reason, at least six contestants said they would like to be dolphins in their online bios. Astrid is a plastic surgery office manager—so she has the best access to the people who can actually do it. Alexis is closest to the actual dolphins in Miami, but oh well. Briana loves Big Macs and she won’t give them up, and dolphins don't eat Big Macs. Lauren would give 100% and has access to dolphins in Naples, but unfortunately you have to give 110% to become a dolphin.

Random Bachelor Prop Bets

I'll do more of these later, but off the top of my head:

o   Will a former contestant return to the show? – 500. I think someone will definitely be back from a previous season. Maybe Britt. If we're doing a previous-rejects themed season, Britt would be perfect. She got kicked off of Chris's season before her time, and then lost out to Kaitlyn to be the Bachelorette before JoJo (thank God). Britt is obnoxious, but it would be a great story line. The other ladies would hate her more than a hummus platter without the celery and carrots.  

o   Will a contestant self-eliminate? – 200. I think someone definitely will. It seems to happen every year. Lace did it recently, and it's always fulfilling to see someone realize they shouldn't reveal their alcoholism to a national TV audience, but only after they're revealed their alcoholism to a national TV audience.

o   Will Sean Lowe sit down with Nick and give him advice before he meets the ladies? – 150. This is almost mandatory. Sean is the poster child for playing by the Bachelor rules, staying in ABC's good graces, and being mildly interesting, eloquent, and entertaining at the same time. He is the anti-Juan Pablo. There's no way they don't throw up three minutes of Sean and Nick time before the contestants get to the mansion. The real question is, how many of Sean and Nick's shirt buttons will collectively be undone during the segment? I say the over/under is 5. Do they both go three deep? That would be tremendous.

o   Will Nick be shirtless at any point during his backstory segments? – 1500. Of course he will. You're a fool if you bet against it.

Acoustic Guitar Apologies

I shoulda been a cowboy. Just like my friend Craig here.

Now, if that picture doesn't immediately demonstrate it, Craig is not much of a cowboy at all. For one, cowboys are soft spoken. Craig is like a scene out of the Gilmore Girls, but louder and possibly more obnoxious.

Two, Craig holds his liquor like a Tri Delt holds a martini glass after four pomegranate cosmos to the face. Watch out if you're wearing your Reefs, bro, you may have some bloody footsies pretty soon.

Finally, cowboys can always play guitar. They are made for sitting around blazing camp fires, eating cans of baked beans with rusty spoons, chugging gallons of moonshine out of a cowhide boot, and playing a delicious acoustic set of Dave Matthews Band classics. I know Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger made sweet love to that song. You can't not make sweet love to Crash Into Me.

Craig can do none of these things. Craig is no cowboy. Thus, Andi eliminated him along with Carl and Nick S last night.

Andi took Eric on her first one-on-one date. The night is bittersweet for viewers because of Eric's untimely passing, and the fact that he and Andi seemed to have a fervently wholesome time together.

To start, they go to the beach and build a sandcastle. As a child, I loved to build sandcastles on the Jersey Shore. Today, I think if I could build a sandcastle, I'd make a replica of Helm's Deep. That's one sweet schloss. 

Speaking of Helm's Deep, my boys and I came up with a sick drinking game senior year. We called it, "Fellowship of the Ring Drinking Game." You had to drink every time Frodo and the gang said things like Shire, Baggins, ring, or made a reference to the Hobbit. Drink every time you hear Concerning Hobbits. Drink twice every time you hear the Nazgul scream. Finish your beer when Boromor dies. RIP, you brave man of the West.

Honestly, you will probably make it through about 40 minutes of this game before you have to gurf. But that only makes room to keep playing!

Anyway, after a sweet buttgrab from Eric, a helicopter picks up the lucky couple on the beach! A scene ensues that has more dynamic helicopter shots than I had beanie babies in elementary school. But alas, no makeout. Eric, you couldn't get one smooch in real quick? Weak shit, bro.

They go to the top of a snowy mountain. They have a snowball fight and then do some snowboarding with Dolf, the snowboard guy. Andi is pretty bad at first, but she gets it done later with some help from Dolf. Later, they do some sledding together and it’s very romantic. Andi thinks it’s “epic.” Like when I ate 50 chicken nuggets and a smile fries from McDonald's in under 16 minutes. True story.

Is there anything Eric isn’t good at? They have dinner in a beautiful mountain cabin. Andi describes Eric as a man with, “piercing blue eyes.” He's a “Renaissance man.”

Then, Eric gets into some heavy stuff. Eric’s dad hitchhiked across the United States for his Master’s thesis. They used to call that being homeless, but now you can get a degree out of it. Eric talks about his time as a journalist in Syria. He crossed the border illegally and was in a city that got shelled and destroyed while he was there. Militants with grenades and assault rifles came to his room, and his “Fixer” went pale. The militants thought he and the other journalist he was with were spies. He wrote a text to his parents saying goodbye. But in the end, the militants took pity on him and decided to tell him sternly to go back to Turkey. Thus, he had the opportunity to be a Bachelorette contestant. Killer.

Well done, Eric. You're kinda pretentious, but a good guy none the less.

The group date was even more romantic than Eric's one-on-one! If you consider a dude stripper joint more romantic than snowboarding and candlelight dinners. Brian, Marquel, Bradley, Greg, Cody, Brette, Tasos, Josh, Ron, Marcus, Nick S, and Dylan got the right to shake what their mother provided them with on the group date. “Let’s bare our souls…”

The guys get some training and have to perform for a live audience. There are three groups: firemen, cowboys, and soldiers, plus a robot and an airplane pilot. Nick is the robot, and Marcus gets to be the airplane pilot.

Sharleen, Dog Lover, and Chris Harrison all attend this date. Chris even slapped one of the guy’s asses. Dog Lover looks like she’s having a phenomenal time. Marcus does really well as the pilot. He throws Andi his pilot hat, strips down, and shakes his ass. Andi digs it, and all the money the guys get from tips go to charity.

 

But mostly, I was just happy to see Dog Lover. Look at that Dog Lover/possible alien spawn!

Chris gets the next one-on-one date. Andi looks great in her ‘40s glam, a green dress with red lipstick and diamond earrings. 

Chris is a farmer from Iowa, which means he grows corn to feed hogs. Which, if you consider the growing American bacon craze, is a very good thing. Chris embodies the true farm boy spirit: he loves God and his family, appreciates the value of hard work, and listens to International Harvester every morning while eating a dozen scrambled eggs, half a gallon of fresh cream, and a score of loaves of white bread. 

I'm not sure why FarmersOnly chose these guys to their spokespeople when they could have had Chris. But then again, city folks just don't get it.

So, Chris and Andi go to the Santa Anita racetrack in California. She’s got him on her arm the whole time; it’s very romantic. They have mint juleps (made with Old Grandad, I'm sure). There’s an old couple next to them who have been together for 55 years. They ask how long Chris and Andi have been together, and it's a touching moment. Too bad Chris and Andi have only been together for approximately 69 minutes. Hehehehehehe.

At night, they have a nice dinner date at the racetrack club. Andi asks why Chris hasn’t found a soul mate. Chris says he dated someone in college and they got engaged at one point. But they grew and changed and it didn’t work out. It wasn’t there in the end. When he proposed to this girl, it was in his head more than in his heart. Chris and Andi get serenaded on the race track, and Andi kisses him. Farmer Chris gets the first kiss of the show!

The Rest of the Bros (or like, four of them):

Do I lose my man card for posting that pic?

Dylan: Evidently it's a theme that every season has to have an opera singer. Dylan got his chance to serenade Andi by the fire with a nice aria.

Game of Thrones humor. Lol.

 

Marcus: Andi says he is an introvert, but Andi says she notices him. That's because he looks exactly like Ryan Gosling.

Hey girl.

Marcus tells Andi that he gives everything in a relationship. If everything is most of the beer money and Settlers of Catan-playing ability, I give everything in a relationship also. Andi gives him the group date rose, because he assumed his role as an airplane pilot with confidence and humility. Reminds me of Kareem Abdhul Jabbar in Airplane. Kidding, I haven't seen any movies made before 1994.

Marcus is well spoken and quiet, not too far up or down. He’s a main player.

Nick V: Made a classy move and brought some champagne and strawberries to his personal time with Andi at the cocktail party. Andi appreciates it. He asks, “What haven’t you found in a guy?" She says it’s the personal connection, the unconditional love. Nick says the same is true of him, but with a sleek pair of legs and the skill to pull off a beef wellington. He’s very erudite.

Josh M: He and Andi have some great flirtation during their 1 on 1 time. He stumbles over his words and laughs a lot. He’s got some butterflies. He wants to get to know her more. They start making out. Just like any real love story!

He’s the second guy to get a makeout session. And when they kissed, he says it just felt natural. Let's hope he still feels that way after Nick V, Marcus, Brette, Chris, Tasos, Marquel, Rob, Bradley, Patrick, Chris Harrison, Bigfoot, and the guys from Chumba Wumba lock lips with Andi.

Overall, I like where this season is going. There seem to be some real feelings developing, and Andi isn't some brainless mope like Emily Maynard or even Des, as much as it kills me to say it.

Bullseye, ABC. You #nailedit

Follow me @BroLovsBachelor. Piece. 

An Order of the Heart

On this Memorial Day, America will turn their eyes to Andi Dorfman, the star of the 10^th season of the greatest show on television, The Bachelorette. But before we get to Andi, let’s remember a few of the Bachelorettes who have come before her. Because as my grandpa always said, “If you don’t remember where you came from, make sure you come up with something good. Like Tupelo, Mississippi, or Ulan Bator, Mongolia. Chicks love that shit.”

Thanks, Pap Pap. My current Facebook profile says I was born in Wollongong, New South Whales, Australia. Ask me about wombats; I could go for days on those furry little dudes. And then we’ll make out.

Ali Fedotowsky

After self-eliminating from Jake’s season (smart move), Ali took on the role of Bachelorette. I don’t remember much from this season besides thinking Ali had great hair. She picked Roberto, and they dated for a couple years, but ultimately it didn’t last. RIP.

Ashley Hebert

It’s actually Ashley Rosenbaum now, since she and J.P. tied the knot a few years ago. He’s a great follow on twitter, actually, @JP_Rosenbaum. Ashley is probably still going through dental school, but she made some time to find love. Ashley’s season gave us possibly the best 10 minutes of reality television ever when Ben Flajnik professed his love for her and was summarily eliminated. Watch that link. It’s so good.

Emily Maynard

She had about as much brains as quart of motor oil and toted her young daughter around like a Tory Burch clutch. I have no time for her.

Desiree Hartsock

I had a huge crush on Des after Sean’s season of the Bachelor. She was tall, brunette, and looked great in a cocktail dress. Des had it all. We remember her mostly because of her crazy brother, hippie parents, and crushing sob session when Brooks took himself out of the running for her heart. But hey, Chris wasn’t such a bad consolation prize.

And now, to Andi!

Job: Assistant District Attorney

Andi likes fighting crime and working in the street. I like those things too, but if you replace fighting crime with sitting in a lawn chair extremely casually and working in the street with making different shapes using bottle caps from the empty Boston Lagers I’m housing.

Hails From: Atlanta, Georgia

Hotlanta is the home of CNN, Coca Cola, Time Warner, and the Chili’s in B Terminal of the Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. When I think of all the skillet queso I’ve eaten there, I get that butterflies in your stomach feeling. But the boner kind.

 

Family: Alive

Her parents have been married for 30 years. I haven’t been alive for 30 years, but I hope to one day achieve that advanced age. I assume that at that time, I will learn many secrets, such as the meaning of life, and the reason airline peanuts are so hard to open.

Andi’s dad says the Bachelorette will be easier for him this time; this isn’t Juan Pablo. He wants Andi to be sure of which guy it’s going to be when she comes and introduces the guys to them. Her dad looks like he appreciates freedom and I would like to have a beer with him and talk about how much we like Kingsford Match Light Kingsford. That stuff is the best. After that, we can debate which of our favorite characteristics is most import: honor, courage, ability to slow-cook meats, or knowing which type of boat shoes to wear to a given social function.

Her sister is also very pretty, and if she is not occupied with a current lover, I know someone who has two thumbs pointing at himself who would appreciate an interview for that job. My other fingers are clenched together into a kind of fist, as is typical with that gesture.

Likes: Yellow sundresses, denim jackets, sequins, bookshelves, journeys, and rainbow mini-marshmallows. Bird Flu finds Andi’s smile infectious.

Dislikes: Foreigner football (soccer), opera singers (Sharleen excluded), Francophiles, osteoporosis, and those who threaten the sanctity of America’s borders.

  

One more thing before we conclude. I’ve always thought about how my Bachelor introduction would go, and I think I finally figured out what I’d do. So here goes:

I would confidently stride out onto the flagstone Bachelormansion patio in a black suit and solid purple tie (Go ‘Cats). I would bring a six-pack of miller high life, but one beer would be strangely missing. She asks me what happened to the last beer? I say the following:

“Each beer in this sixer of refreshing beverages represents a different pillar of my life. One is family—the people in my life who I love the most and love me in the same way.”

At this point I proceed to shotgun the beer.

“The second beer is for friends—the bros who stick by you even when you give a 3/10 your phone number. Three is fraternity. Four is freedom, and five is America.”

At this point I’ve shotgunned five beers.

Then, I tell her that one beer is still missing. The beer that represents my wife. After a prolonged “aaaawwweeeeee…,” I pull out a beer that’s been taped to the inside of my leg the whole time, and ask if she would do me the honor of shotgunning it to symbolize the start of our journey. She agrees, and after I teach her the proper method of opening the hole at the bottom using a key, your thumb, and slight pressure applied in a circular motion, she takes the sweet suds to the face.

When she’s done, she has a little foam in the corner of her mouth. I lean in and say, “You’ve still got a little left to finish.” She says, “Why don’t you take care of that for me?”

Pretty much at that point I’ve already won.

Stay tuned for the Episode 2 recap tomorrow. Follow me on Twitter @BroLovsBachelor.

POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 5

Ripples were felt by the entire Bachelor Internet community last week, as JPabs dashed our favorite Dog Lover's hopes. Juan reenacted the gut-wrenching scene from Air Bud, only Air Bud was Kelly (a human (sort of)), and Juan was the little blonde boy feeding her pudding. They both ended up in tears, for all the right reasons.

Warning: Don't watch that link if you don't want to cry. I fast forwarded to about two minutes in, and it is just heartbreaking. This was probably the first cinematic moment that made your favorite frat daddy shed a few. Not even allergy tears, like Clare had at the end of the the rose ceremony. Real tears fortified with sorrow and a 40oz Robitussin. 

But life goes on. Let's get to the rankings.
 

 
1. Andi: She continues to make progress without getting a one on one date. How she's gonna be the last girl to get one, I have no idea. She would have been my first choice. Kat got a one on one, for allergy crying out loud! It doesn't matter. Sharleen's looking self-elimination square in the face, and Andi is poised to make a Catherine-like move in Week 6. We've seen it happen before, and it may just happen again. 

However, I'm stilling not getting a winning vibe off Andi. JP seems to gravitate towards needy women (like just about every Bachelor before him) and Andi is not the needy type. She's too much of a rock. Which is why I'm calling it now and saying she's the next Bachelorette.  

2. Nikki: JPabs loves Nikki the nurse. In Week 5, Nikki descended into Hell. But on the way...she found her angel. Can someone pass the chloroform? Nikki went from pissy 12-year-old in Week 4 to reformed nice girl in Week 5. She pulled a classic "conquering your fear" move when she somehow made it to the bottom of the cave without having a complete mental breakdown. I bet she farted on JP on the way down though. Talk about a power move.

3. Renee: Mother Hen came home to roost in Week 5. Everyone, and I mean everyone, loves Renee. She is killing it. When JP kept feeding her some bullshit about how he wouldn't kiss her because of her son, Ben, Renee basically said "fuck that kid" and told him to put up or shut up. And he put up, all right. How as THAT for a first kiss? I mean, how fair is it that JP #aquablasts Clare, but then won't even kiss Renee? Her reaction to finally getting that kiss was probably the most genuine moment of the season. DON'T TELL ME YOU DIDN'T SMILE AFTER THAT. #TeamRenee #TeamRenee #TeamRenee

Unfortunately, I think she's got third place locked down. If this were real life, she'd win no problem. She and Juan are on the same wavelength: they understand each other and they want the same things. The problem is, this is too short a window to make it happen. Renee is a milk snake in a house of vipers. The other girls are like flamethrowers, and she's a Zippo lighter. It makes me sad. Renee, America is with you.

4. Clare: Repeat after me: There is only one Courtney Robertson. Who do you think you are, Clare? What game are you playing at? You're a child. Camila looks at you and won't trade her dunkaroos even though you're offering a lifetime supply of pushpops. You think you can just go get JP to go on a little midnight swim, and there won't be consequences? 

I say they did NOT have sex in the ocean. The waves were too rough. Also, after what Courtney and Ben did, even if Juan Pablo and Clare did nothing, we will all still assume they did. They're aware of that, and the editors at ABC can make it look however they want. It's bad either way.

5. Sharleen: This panda bear is on the prowl. Or not. I ranked her #2 behind her Dog Lover last week, but that looks incredibly premature at this point. Sharleen isn't up for competing against women like Clare, Andi, and Nikki. She's gone next week. Which leaves a spot open for one of the gypsies at the bottom of the bracket.

6. Cassandra: Yup, that's Detroit Piston's baller Rodney Stuckey! I just think that's great. NBA player or Bachelor, Cassandra's a jersey-chaser either way. I'm not sure there's anything going on in her head besides Cover Girl commercials and Chobani magazine spreads, and I don't think we'll have to deal with her much longer. However, if the show only eliminates two people next week, and one spot goes to Sharleen's self-exit, and the other goes to the loser of a two-on-one date, Cassandra could sneak through to Week 7.

7. Chelsie: The Thetas are hosting a new philanthropy event this weekend. They will be selling hugs for $1, kisses for $2, and dime bags for $9. All proceeds go to buying Kelly a new dog (Molly ran away and started her basketball career).

 
8. Kat: Wait, I thought Cassandra was the former NBA dancer! Also, why are her boobs covered in this photo? Show a little cleave, lady! You seem willing enough to do it on TV? Kat's just jealous she didn't think of Clare's #aquablast move first. 

Kat goes home in a two on one with Chelsie.

 

POWER RANKINGS - WEEK 4

1. Dog Lover: I'm tired of looking like a fool while Dog Lover continues to crush it week after week. During the first week, she got the group date rose. Second week, she got painted up like one of her poochie's life-sized dooks, yet managed to make it through. This week, she and Andi started their own variety show (Two Bitches and Molly), and did a great impression of Goblin-Clare eating octopus. So at this point, I'm all-in on Dog Lover. I can't see the future, and she can't see much of anything with that lazy eye, but I've heard Braille is hot these days, and I'm ready to finger-read my way through this world with her at my side.

2. Sharleen: It pains me to say this, but she looks like the favorite right now. However, we might have another Brooks situation on our hands. Juan Pablo is running (effortlessly, because he's conditioned like Hercules), but Sharleen is only sauntering quickly. JP continually showers her with compliments, while she calls him, "not that dull" and treats him to a miniscule two lines of operatic exposition. He needs to knock her down a few pegs or she's going to run over him like a Deere over a woodchuck. Hey Sharleen, NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND THE WORDS IN OPERA! They're just not saying anything because they don't want to look bad in front of Lord Traffordshire and the Immaculate Lady of Cuntsylvannia.

3. Andi: She hasn't had a one on one date yet, but it looks like Andi is primed for a surge next week. Her stock continues to stay high despite not receiving a rose apart from in a rose ceremony. She fell victim to JP's arcane desire to not make out with all the hot chicks he can (bro, if you've got access, you gotta cash in for those of us who can't, six-year-old daughter be damned), but they shared a moment in the back of that snack bar in Seoul. The Snack Bar of Seoul sounds like Clare's idea of a good time.

4. Renee: Next week is do-or-die for Mother Hen. Renee always seems this close to breaking through, but can't seem to make it. She's like the baby chick who can't peck it's way out of the egg shell, and then dies. Dude, dark simile, I know, but hear me out: Renee is like the seal that gets eaten by the orca on the beach (Shamu no!). She's like the freshman who keeps coming by the frat house even after spring rush is three weeks past (give that guy the Michelob Ultra and save the Heineken for me). But hey, on the other side, she's pretty, and she's got the best insight into what JP actually goes through day to day. That ain't nothing.

5. Clare: Clare is the kind of girl who would take that picture. *drops mic

6. Nikki: I was overjoyed to see the "Girl on the group date is out of her comfort zone, gets super salty, bitches in confessional the whole day, pouts while the other girls try to have fun, but then gets her one-on-one time, pouts some more, and gets the group date rose" tradition continue. Nikki is bad. Book it. Nikki and Clare are two sides of the same coin, and they're both going down in flames. Except that Clare got JP to go back on his no-kissing rule, and Nikki got to make friends with the bathtub faucet. #rightreasons

7. Cassandra: Barely featured in this episode, it seems like Cassandra can't quite hold sway with the other women. She's not outwardly catty like her looks suggest, but neither does she seem to be holding back a deeper, thoughtful side. She's a hot chick and not much else. Not everyone scores in the personality department.

8. Chelsie: Chelsie is a college freshman. She's meeting new boys, having a little too much wine, making questionable decisions, and figuring it all out in the morning via text with her friends back in Paducah, Kentucky. After a good cry, she'll be back in the game, prancing out of the limo and waving her arms skyward in anticipation of a fairy-tale date in Saigon or Hanoi. Don't expect too much, but come back five years from now and you might have someone worth sharing a 2 for $20 at Chili's with.

9. Kat: Kat's Boobs are actually ranked 4.20, but the rest is dragging her up. I don't have much to say about Kat. I think that if she likes to dance so much, she should move to Seoul permanently and become the fifth member of a K-Pop group. She could go by the name "Macy" and twerk while little Korean children throw bits of octopus into her mouth. OMG Clare's worst nightmare!

10. Alli: Alli, you're in Chicago, right? I'll see you next week after you leave the show. Look for me on Tinder using the name "Trent Rothschild."

11. Danielle: Danielle, you can talk?